WOMAN'S DIARY: Tuesday 22nd June 2004.
Saw him late in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat. All through our late dinner he just didn't seem himself: he hardly laughed, and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in: he hesitated, but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh, and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up, but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me, and that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep. .. .. .. ..
MAN'S DIARY: Tuesday 22nd June 2004.
England lost to France. Gutted. Got a shag though.
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
Chinese Sick Leave
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
Bonde Nun
Mother superior calls all the nuns together and says to them, "I must tell you all something.... We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Praise the lord", says a blonde nun at the back. I'm so tired of Chardonnay.”
"Praise the lord", says a blonde nun at the back. I'm so tired of Chardonnay.”
Bush
President Bush was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word " tragedy " So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a " tragedy.
One little boy stood up and offered: " If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy
" No, " said Bush, " that would be an accident. "
A little girl raised her hand: " If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.
" I'm afraid not, " explained the president. " That's what we would call a great loss. "
The room went silent. No other children volunteered and Mr Bush searched the room. " Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy? "
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand...
In a quiet voice he said: " If Air Force One, carrying you and Mrs Bush, was struck by a " friendly fire " missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy. "
" Fantastic! " exclaimed Bush. " That's right. And can you tell us why that would be a tragedy? "
" Well, " says the boy, " It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a sodding accident either! "
One little boy stood up and offered: " If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy
" No, " said Bush, " that would be an accident. "
A little girl raised her hand: " If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.
" I'm afraid not, " explained the president. " That's what we would call a great loss. "
The room went silent. No other children volunteered and Mr Bush searched the room. " Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy? "
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand...
In a quiet voice he said: " If Air Force One, carrying you and Mrs Bush, was struck by a " friendly fire " missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy. "
" Fantastic! " exclaimed Bush. " That's right. And can you tell us why that would be a tragedy? "
" Well, " says the boy, " It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a sodding accident either! "
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
Paper Bag
A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors."Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag.
"Hmm, you look ok to me, said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows. Come back and see me in a couple of days."
The little paper bag felt no better when he went back for the results. "What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag.
"I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.
"No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper bag.
"Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Perhaps you've been abroad ! recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?" queried the doctor.
"No, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"
"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Then there can be only one explanation," said the doctor.
"Your mother must have been a carrier ."
"Hmm, you look ok to me, said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows. Come back and see me in a couple of days."
The little paper bag felt no better when he went back for the results. "What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag.
"I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.
"No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper bag.
"Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Perhaps you've been abroad ! recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?" queried the doctor.
"No, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"
"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Then there can be only one explanation," said the doctor.
"Your mother must have been a carrier ."
Lights Out
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. After 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic."You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!
"The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:"I'll explain the toy . .. you explain the kids."
She went completely ballistic."You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!
"The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:"I'll explain the toy . .. you explain the kids."
Stevie Wonder
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Hong Kong and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Chinese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!". Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord". A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise. The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord".
Well and truly cheesed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass. You get up here and do it!"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing .....
Wait for it
" A jazz chord, to say, I ruv you..."
Well and truly cheesed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass. You get up here and do it!"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing .....
Wait for it
" A jazz chord, to say, I ruv you..."
Ooops
A man was standing next in line at a checkout, when the attractive blonde woman in front of him turned around and gave him a big smile."Hello," she said, as she waited for her change.
"Er, I'm sorry. Do I know you?" The man said in some confusion.
"Oh, my mistake. I thought you were the father of one of my children," she said apologetically, and picking up her shopping, she left the store.
The man was astonished. He thought, "How amazing that a good looking woman like that should have forgotten who fathered her children." Then he began to worry. He had had an encounter in his youth that could have resulted in a child he didn't know about. She had been blonde, pretty, and about the same height.On leaving the store, he saw the woman getting into her car. He ran over to her and said, "Look, you couldn't have been the girl I met that night at a party in Hampstead, in 1980 could you? We shagged on the billiards table in front of everyone, things got really wild and I got so drunk that I didn't get your number.
"The woman looked utterly outraged and said, "No! I'm your son's English teacher."
"Er, I'm sorry. Do I know you?" The man said in some confusion.
"Oh, my mistake. I thought you were the father of one of my children," she said apologetically, and picking up her shopping, she left the store.
The man was astonished. He thought, "How amazing that a good looking woman like that should have forgotten who fathered her children." Then he began to worry. He had had an encounter in his youth that could have resulted in a child he didn't know about. She had been blonde, pretty, and about the same height.On leaving the store, he saw the woman getting into her car. He ran over to her and said, "Look, you couldn't have been the girl I met that night at a party in Hampstead, in 1980 could you? We shagged on the billiards table in front of everyone, things got really wild and I got so drunk that I didn't get your number.
"The woman looked utterly outraged and said, "No! I'm your son's English teacher."
IT
After digging to a depth of 100 metres last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.
So, not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 metres and headlines in the US papers read: "US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephones 1000 years earlier than the British."
One week later, the Australian newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500 metres, Australian scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireless technology."
So, not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 metres and headlines in the US papers read: "US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephones 1000 years earlier than the British."
One week later, the Australian newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500 metres, Australian scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireless technology."
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