Apparently these are genuine clips from British Council flat tenants complaining to the Council about problems with their flats!!
1) My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2) He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3) It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
4) I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
5) I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
6) And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7) I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
8 ) My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9) I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
10) Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11) I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
12) 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
13) I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14) The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
15) Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and
not fit to drink.
16) Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
17) I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
18 ) The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
19) Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
20) I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do
something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
21) Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
22) I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
Saturday, April 23, 2005
Friday, April 22, 2005
HR Lingo Explained
"COMPETITIVE SALARY" We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY" We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED" Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY" Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL" We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED" Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON" If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has beenfilled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE" We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE" You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST" You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS" You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS" Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY" We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED" Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY" Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL" We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED" Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON" If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has beenfilled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE" We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE" You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST" You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS" You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS" Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
Beer Theories
Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
*
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
*
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
*
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.
*
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven! *
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
*
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
*
Beer: helping ugly people have sex since 3000 b.c.
*
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
*
To some it's a six-pack, to others it's a "support group." Salvation in a can!
*
One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy, Norm. "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kill brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
*
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
*
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
*
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.
*
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven! *
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
*
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
*
Beer: helping ugly people have sex since 3000 b.c.
*
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
*
To some it's a six-pack, to others it's a "support group." Salvation in a can!
*
One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy, Norm. "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kill brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
UK Oil
We've often asked the question-- How is it that we are running out of oil here in the UK?
The answer is simple nobody checked the oil, you see the oil is in the north sea, the dipsticks are in London!
The answer is simple nobody checked the oil, you see the oil is in the north sea, the dipsticks are in London!
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Lock Your Doors!
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. while he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict! look at his clothes! he probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you!!" to which the wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you!!" to which the wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Trivial Facts
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
Butterflies taste with their feet.The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Starfish have no brains.
Polar bears are left-handed.
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
Competition
A radio station in Australia ran a phone-in competition to find the most embarrassing moment in listener's lives. The final four were:
4th Place.
"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that! if she didn't start behaving herself, right now, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma I saw you kissing Daddy's Willie last night.' After this enlightening exchange, the silence was deafening. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank, with my daughter in tow.The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me were screams of laughter."
3rd Place.
"It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downsta! irs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride down to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed.When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on as a whole crowd of people yelled 'SURPRISE'.My entir! e family - parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins as well as my friends, were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen on the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.Since then, no one in my family has planned any surprise parties.
2nd Place.
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag.The checkout girl got on the public address system, which boomed out across the store for everyone to hear, "Price check for Tampax supersize".But it got worse. Someone at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for 'Thumbtacks', and replied in a business like tone, his voice booming over the same public address system: "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you belt in with a hammer?"
1st Place. And the winner is . . .
This happened at a major Australian University, during a biology lecture.A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young woman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand you correctly, ! you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in sugar? "The professor responded, "Yes, that's correct", adding some statistical data to his lecture.Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books, and without another word, walked out of the class - and never returned. However, as she was heading for the door, the professor's reply was a classic.Totally straight faced, he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat."
4th Place.
"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that! if she didn't start behaving herself, right now, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma I saw you kissing Daddy's Willie last night.' After this enlightening exchange, the silence was deafening. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank, with my daughter in tow.The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me were screams of laughter."
3rd Place.
"It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downsta! irs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride down to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed.When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on as a whole crowd of people yelled 'SURPRISE'.My entir! e family - parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins as well as my friends, were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen on the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.Since then, no one in my family has planned any surprise parties.
2nd Place.
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag.The checkout girl got on the public address system, which boomed out across the store for everyone to hear, "Price check for Tampax supersize".But it got worse. Someone at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for 'Thumbtacks', and replied in a business like tone, his voice booming over the same public address system: "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you belt in with a hammer?"
1st Place. And the winner is . . .
This happened at a major Australian University, during a biology lecture.A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young woman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand you correctly, ! you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in sugar? "The professor responded, "Yes, that's correct", adding some statistical data to his lecture.Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books, and without another word, walked out of the class - and never returned. However, as she was heading for the door, the professor's reply was a classic.Totally straight faced, he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat."
Monday, April 18, 2005
Monkeys
A lorry driver breaks down on the M6 with a cargo of live monkeys on board, bound for Chester Zoo. They need to be delivered by 9:00 am and the driver fears he will get the sack if they don't get there on time. He decides to try and thumb a lift for his monkeys and eventually an Irish lorry driver pulls over."Where they going ?" asks the Irish chap."Do s a favour mate and take these to Chester Zoo for me" says the driver, "and heres a hundred quid for your troubles." "Happy days," says the Irish fella, loads the monkeys onto his truck and gets on his way. The lorry driver goes about trying to fix his truck and is there for a good few hours when he notices the Irish fella coming back down the motorway, still with all the chimps on board. Panicking, he flags him down again. "What are you playing at," he fumes, "I told you to take them to Chester Zoo !" "I did," says the Irish fella, "but there's still fifty quid left so now we're going to Alton Towers
Puns
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
*
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!".
*
Two Eskimos were sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
*
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
*
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
*
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
*
A woman has identical twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
*
These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
*
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
*
There was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
*
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!".
*
Two Eskimos were sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
*
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
*
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
*
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
*
A woman has identical twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
*
These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
*
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
*
There was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Saturday, April 09, 2005
Vincent Van Gogh Family Tree
Contrary to popular belief, the artist, Vincent Van Gogh, actually had many relatives. Archivists just dug up information revealing the following:
A dizzy Aunt - Verti Gogh
The Brother who loved prunes - Gotta Gogh
The Brother who owned a convenience store - Stopn Gogh
His Uncle, a magician - Wherediddy Gogh
A Cousin who lived south of the border - Amee Gogh
That Mexican Cousin's American half-bro - Grin Gogh
His Nephew who drove a stage coach - Wellsfar Gogh
A constipated Uncle - Cant Gogh
The second Cousin, a professional dancer - Tan Gogh
The bird-lover Uncle - Flamin Gogh
The fruit-loving Cousin - Man Gogh
An Aunt who taught positive thinking - Wayto Gogh
A Sister who loved disco - Go Gogh
And his Niece, who traveled the country in a motor home - Winnie Bay Gogh
A dizzy Aunt - Verti Gogh
The Brother who loved prunes - Gotta Gogh
The Brother who owned a convenience store - Stopn Gogh
His Uncle, a magician - Wherediddy Gogh
A Cousin who lived south of the border - Amee Gogh
That Mexican Cousin's American half-bro - Grin Gogh
His Nephew who drove a stage coach - Wellsfar Gogh
A constipated Uncle - Cant Gogh
The second Cousin, a professional dancer - Tan Gogh
The bird-lover Uncle - Flamin Gogh
The fruit-loving Cousin - Man Gogh
An Aunt who taught positive thinking - Wayto Gogh
A Sister who loved disco - Go Gogh
And his Niece, who traveled the country in a motor home - Winnie Bay Gogh
Dr Dave
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an reassuring voice in his head that said, "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering......
Dave...........................you're a vet."
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an reassuring voice in his head that said, "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering......
Dave...........................you're a vet."
Surprise
A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special chicken surprise. The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. 'Jesus, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and again he sees two beady little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down. Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation. 'Well sir', says the waiter, 'What did you order?' 'We both chose the same', he replies, 'the chicken surprise' 'Oh I do apologise, this is my fault' says the waiter..... 'I've brought you the Peking duck'
Friday, April 08, 2005
A funny thing...
A funny thing happened to me the other day.............
So I started playing the piano and this elephant burst into tears, I said "do you recognise the tune?", he said "I recognise the ivory"...
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one"...
So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.
So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Weggie Kray.
So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up,I said Do you get my drift?".
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for AROMATIC duck".
But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller",he said "Not you again".
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a checked tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".
Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch.
And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.I said "Are you two an item?".
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".
So I started playing the piano and this elephant burst into tears, I said "do you recognise the tune?", he said "I recognise the ivory"...
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one"...
So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.
So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Weggie Kray.
So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up,I said Do you get my drift?".
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for AROMATIC duck".
But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller",he said "Not you again".
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a checked tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".
Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch.
And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.I said "Are you two an item?".
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
Mr Common Sense
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr. Common Sense.
Mr. Sense had been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).
His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. - Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son,Reason.
He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
Mr. Sense had been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).
His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. - Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son,Reason.
He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
Monday, April 04, 2005
Testing
Scientists at Roll Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, and military jets , all travelling at maximum velocity.
The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl and to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.
Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers in 2003 for testing.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
"Defrost the chicken."
The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl and to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.
Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers in 2003 for testing.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
"Defrost the chicken."
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