The Philosophy Of Ambiguity

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘where’s the self-help section?' she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all?
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
19. Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
23. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
24. How is it possible to have a civil war?
25. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
26. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
27. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
28. Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?
29. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
30. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
31. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
32. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god?

Fruit Cake Recipe

You will need a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs and two cups of dried fruit a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt. a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts and a bottle of whisky.
Sample the whisky to check for quality.
Take a large bowl, check the whisky again to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink : repeat
Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter into a large fluffy bowl and one spoon tea of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whisky is still OK cry another tup. turn of the mixer brak two leggs and add to the bowl, and chick in the tup of dried fruit, mix on the turner. If the fruit gets stuck in the beaters, pry it loose with a drewscriber, sample the whisky again to check for tonsisticity.
Next sift two cups of flour or something. Who cares ? check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and straing your nuts. Add one babblespoon of drown sugar, or whatever colour you can find. Mix well, grease the oven, turn the cake pan to 350 gredees Don't forget to beat of the turner, throw the bowl out of the window, check the whisky again and go to bed.
Wohonny Jalker

Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.'
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people that were nearly 100 years old, having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
'Oh, no, my dear,' replied granny.
'Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply 'IN 'on the Ding, and 'OUT' on the Dong.'
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd still be alive today if the Ice Cream van hadn't come along!"

The Amazing Italian

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing. A sign read: "Don't Miss the Amazing Italian." The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.
There, under The Big Top, in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian.
Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders.
Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't Miss the Amazing Italian." He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket.
Again, the center ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "but I have to know something. I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," said the Italian, "My eyes aren't what they used to be."

Leaving Work Early

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided that when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early??
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in quick workout at the spa before meeting dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss!! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them . 'No way', the blonde exclaimed. 'I almost got caught yesterday!'

Computer Problem?

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like Eric........ .....

The Pirate

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'
'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'
Bartender, 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'
Pirate, 'Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.'
Bartender, 'Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?'
Pirate, 'We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really.'
Bartender 'What about that eye patch?'
Pirate, 'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.'
'You're kidding,' said the bartender, 'you lost an eye just from bird shit.'
Pirate, 'It was my first day with the hook.'

Garbage

Neville the Aborigine had been out of work for a long timeand when he was offered the job at the council as a garbage collector he decided to take it up. On his first day things were going great until he arrived at one house and noticed there was no wheelie bin out front.
Neville thought to himself, "I wanna do a good job and not get fired from here but if they find out I missed one house then I will get fired."
So he went up to the door and knocked on it. To his surprise it was a fellow Aborigine who answered.
Neville breathed a sigh of relief and said to the otherbloke, "Where's ya bin?"
The man replied, "I bon on 'olidays,"
Neville then said, "Na, mate, where's ya BIN?"
"I bin on 'olidays I tell ya," was the reply.
Neville, slightly frustrated, says, "Na, ya idiot --where's ya wheelie bin?"
The other bloke looked round to see who might be listening.
"Well," he said. "I weally bin in jail -- but I'm tellin' everyone I bin on 'olidays, eh!"

Little Girl

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger,
'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?'

Zoo Joke

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him.
To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both.
What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says 'What's the food like here?'
Wait for it!!....
The lions say: 'Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees'

Who is Jack Schitt?

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation.
Jack is the son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.
However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.
She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt. Two other of the 6 children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, Were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal s0n, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
So now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them.

Technical Support

Dear Technical Support,
18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble.
However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.
Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better.
I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.
I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0.
While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with CookingPlus and Cleanhouse2008.
Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.
Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge.
These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.
Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week.
Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.
Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.
Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2007, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2007, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.
Help requested please!---------------------------------

And the flip side...
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and Jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate---------------------------------------------------------

Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Try entering the command: C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly.
CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck, Tech

Paddy on Border Duty

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.
Paddy, the officer, stops them and tells them: 'It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four'
'Quattro is just the name of the automobile,' the Englishman retorts disbelievingly.
'Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five persons.'
'You cannot pull that one on me,' replies Paddy 'Quattro means four.
You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.'
The Englishmen replies angrily, 'You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!'
'Sorry,' responds Paddy, 'Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.'

News Flash...

Viagra is now available in powder form for your tea.

It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft.