Credit Crunch....

Quote of the day (from a trader): "This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife."

What's the difference between Investment Bankers and London Pigeons? The Pigeons are still capable of making deposits on new BMWs

Grandmas

4 old mischievous Grandma's were sitting at a table in a nursing home.

About then an old Grandpa walked in.

One of the old Grandma's yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'

The old man said, 'There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools.'

One of the old Grandma's said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants & under shorts & we can tell your exact age.'

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandma's asked him to first turn around a couple of times & to jump up & down several times. Then they all piped up & said, 'You're 87 years old!'

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess?'

Slapping their knees & grinning from ear to ear, all 4 old ladies happily yelled in unison--'We were at your birthday party yesterday!' 

There was a church.....

There was a church down in Texas that had a young, very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Her trim waist made the jiggle even that more apparent.  

Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably - especially the men. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.  

One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons though because they are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while.  

She agreed to try it.  

The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a Thermon tewday."

Forgivness

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your  enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:                    'I outlived the bastards.' 

The Elderly Golfer

Arthur is 90-years-old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day, he arrives home looking downcast.

'That's it,' he tells his wife. 'I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I hit the ball, I can't even see where it goes.'

His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says, 'Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try?'

'That's no good,' sighs Arthur. 'Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help.'

'He may be a hundred and three,' says his wife, 'but his eyesight is perfect.'

So, the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.

He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway He turns to the brother-in-law and asks, 'Did you see the ball?'

'Of course I did!' replied the brother-in-law. 'I have perfect eyesight!'

'Where did it go?' says Arthur.

'I don't remember.'

Whoops....

Nine comments they would like to take  back made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer  Olympics.

1. Weight-lifting commentator: 'This is Gregoriava from  Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was  amazing.'

2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a  lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her  mother.'

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my  parents, especially my mother and father.'

4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing,  but none of them really that serious.'

5. Softball  announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same  thing again.'

6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't likeit. In fact you can see it all over their  faces.'

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice,  the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British  crew.'

8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is  everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the  field.'

9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons  Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his  balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just  said?

London Olympics 2012

London (Stratford) will be hosting the Olympic Games in 2012.

You may not know is that many of the famous events, which go to make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2012. A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below:

OPENING CEREMONY

The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the area in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS

In previous Olympic Games, East London's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT

Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES

As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc)

HAMMER

Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.

FENCING 

Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes.

SHOOTING 

A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages deliveryman. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.

BOXING 

Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS 

Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT 

As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON 

Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.

SWIMMING EVENTS 

All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised, please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by 'The Verve.'

THE MARATHON 

A safe route has yet to be decided.

MEN'S 50KM WALK 

Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London, especially anyone that appears to be... mincing

THE CLOSING CEREMONY 

Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir. The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following the inevitable pitch invasion by confused West Ham organised hooliganism club. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler

Bad Day

Ever wonder what happens when Hallmark Card writers are having a bad day? 

 

My tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!   

 

 Heard your wife left you,

How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.   

 

Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

'What the hell was I thinking?'   

 

Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.   

How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby? 

I've always wanted to have

someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.  

 

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you. 

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.    

 

Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike! 

When we were together,

you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

We have been friends for a very long time ..

let's say we stop?

I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy

Did you ever find out who the father was? 

 

Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

So your daughter's a hooker,

and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay