A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols.
He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing.
The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night." The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way."
The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him. The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent.
Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells." The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead.
Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing:
"Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!"
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Sinners
A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's'."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies. "Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style. The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"
The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes".
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's'."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies. "Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style. The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"
The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes".
Muffin
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut. The barber smiles at her and says, Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."
"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get tits too."
"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get tits too."
Innocence
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and Action Man."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."
"No," said the little girl. "She comes with Action Man, she fakes it with Ken."
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and Action Man."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."
"No," said the little girl. "She comes with Action Man, she fakes it with Ken."
Sexist
A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the Police. The police officer approaches him and asks: "Have you been drinking Sir?" "Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving badly?" "No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious"
Oh the pain!
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour if it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain that the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands' blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the milkman was dead on the porch.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain that the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands' blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the milkman was dead on the porch.
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Funny you should say that......
Jewish businessman in Chicago sent his son to Israel for a year to absorb the culture. When the son returned, he said, "Papa, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity."
"Oy vey," said the father, "What have I done?"
He took his problem to his best friend. "Ike," he said, "I sent my son to Israel, and he came home a Christian. What can I do?"
"Funny you should ask," said Ike. "I, too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi."
They explained their problem to the rabbi. "Funny you should ask," said the rabbi. "I, too sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. What is happening to our young people?"
They prayed, telling the Lord about their sons. As they finished their prayer, a voice came from the heavens:
"Funny you should ask," said the voice. "I, too, sent my son to Israel..."
"Oy vey," said the father, "What have I done?"
He took his problem to his best friend. "Ike," he said, "I sent my son to Israel, and he came home a Christian. What can I do?"
"Funny you should ask," said Ike. "I, too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi."
They explained their problem to the rabbi. "Funny you should ask," said the rabbi. "I, too sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. What is happening to our young people?"
They prayed, telling the Lord about their sons. As they finished their prayer, a voice came from the heavens:
"Funny you should ask," said the voice. "I, too, sent my son to Israel..."
Senior Center
It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, ------ it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Shit!" said the Hypnotist ...
It took three weeks to clean up the senior center.
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, ------ it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Shit!" said the Hypnotist ...
It took three weeks to clean up the senior center.
Sunday, December 18, 2005
Ohhhhhh! What a Feeling!!
On a flight to Chicago, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
The flight attendant noticed his predicament. "Sir," she said, "you may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.
"He went in and did what he needed to do, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP,and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist... he pushed WW.
Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button.
Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom is more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure!
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button, which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew, he was in a hospital and, as soon as he opened his eyes, saw a nurse staring down at him with a smirk on her face. "What happened?" he exclaimed. "You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse.
"The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
The flight attendant noticed his predicament. "Sir," she said, "you may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.
"He went in and did what he needed to do, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP,and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist... he pushed WW.
Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button.
Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom is more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure!
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button, which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew, he was in a hospital and, as soon as he opened his eyes, saw a nurse staring down at him with a smirk on her face. "What happened?" he exclaimed. "You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse.
"The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Merry Christmas !
A Christmas Story
'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!
I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde.
I'm going SOUTH for the season
'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!
I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde.
I'm going SOUTH for the season
Proven by Mathematics !
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will get you to the top!
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will get you to the top!
Police Warning - Please read
Police today warned all men who frequent clubs and parties to stay cautious when offered drinks by women.
Females are using a date rape drug called "beer" to target unsuspecting men. This drug comes in liquid form and is available nearly everywhere. "Beer" is used by female predators to persuade hapless male victims to go home with them.
Women need only persuade a man to consume a few of these "beers"and then ask him home for no-strings-attatched sex, a simple approach that renders most men helpless. After several "beers", men will have sex with even unattractive women. Often men awaken with only hazy memories of the night before, a horrible headache, and a vague feeling that something bad happened.
Some really unfortunate men are even seperated from their life's savings in a scam called "a relationship." In extreme cases, females have entrapped unsuspecting males into long-term servitude through a punishment called "marriage." Apparently, men are much more suspectible to this scam once "beer" is administered. Forward this warning to every male you know. And if you, or some man you know, have fallen victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women who administer it, rest assured: male support groups exist in every major city where you can discuss the ugly details of your encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, look in the Yellow Pages under "Golf Courses."
Females are using a date rape drug called "beer" to target unsuspecting men. This drug comes in liquid form and is available nearly everywhere. "Beer" is used by female predators to persuade hapless male victims to go home with them.
Women need only persuade a man to consume a few of these "beers"and then ask him home for no-strings-attatched sex, a simple approach that renders most men helpless. After several "beers", men will have sex with even unattractive women. Often men awaken with only hazy memories of the night before, a horrible headache, and a vague feeling that something bad happened.
Some really unfortunate men are even seperated from their life's savings in a scam called "a relationship." In extreme cases, females have entrapped unsuspecting males into long-term servitude through a punishment called "marriage." Apparently, men are much more suspectible to this scam once "beer" is administered. Forward this warning to every male you know. And if you, or some man you know, have fallen victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women who administer it, rest assured: male support groups exist in every major city where you can discuss the ugly details of your encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, look in the Yellow Pages under "Golf Courses."
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Facelift
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spends £5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she saysto the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think Iam?"
"About 32," is the reply."Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I guess about 29."The woman replies, "Nope I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds,"Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I am 50, but thank you."
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old awoman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast...He gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says,"Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?' The old man says, "promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't." she says.
"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
She spends £5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she saysto the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think Iam?"
"About 32," is the reply."Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I guess about 29."The woman replies, "Nope I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds,"Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I am 50, but thank you."
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old awoman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast...He gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says,"Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?' The old man says, "promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't." she says.
"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
Friday, December 09, 2005
6th grade Science class
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued.
"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework
And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued.
"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework
And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
Chocolate Joke
Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a coach journey. It was After Eight. She was from Quality Street; he was a Fisherman's Friend.
On the way, they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum & Butter and she had a Wine Gum. He asked her name. "Polo, I'm the one with the hole", she said.
"I'm the one with the Nuts", he thought. Then he touched her Milky Way.
They checked in and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt the contrast of her Double Decker. Then he showed her his Curly Wurly. Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any more Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a Magic Moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he came out, his Fun Sized Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more but he decided to take Time Out. However, he noticed her PinkWafers looked very appetising...So he did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbert and gave her a Gob Stopper.
Unfortunately Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel. Sadly, he was soon to discover he had caught VD. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with All Sorts.
Thursday, December 08, 2005
20 Things You Can Only get away with Saying at Christmas
1. I prefer breasts to legs
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside nice and moist.
3. I like Smother the butter all over the breasts!
4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5. I've never seen a better spread!
6. Are you ready for seconds yet?
7. It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?
8. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
9. Don't play with your meat.
10. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
11. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
12. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
13. You still have a little bit on your chin.
14. How long will it take after you put it in?
15. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
16. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
17. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
18. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning
19. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!
20. Do like a nice stuffing.
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside nice and moist.
3. I like Smother the butter all over the breasts!
4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5. I've never seen a better spread!
6. Are you ready for seconds yet?
7. It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?
8. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
9. Don't play with your meat.
10. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
11. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
12. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
13. You still have a little bit on your chin.
14. How long will it take after you put it in?
15. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
16. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
17. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
18. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning
19. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!
20. Do like a nice stuffing.
Tickle Me Elmo
A factory in America makes Tickle Me Elmo toys and the toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm.
A new employee is hired and she reports for her first day promptly at 08:00.
The next day at 08:45 there is a knock at the Personnel manager's door and the foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole assembly line is backing up fast. The Personnel manager decides to see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the assembly line is so banked up, that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor. At the end of the line is the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics, he pulls himself together and approaches the woman.
"I'm sorry," He says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday". "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".
A new employee is hired and she reports for her first day promptly at 08:00.
The next day at 08:45 there is a knock at the Personnel manager's door and the foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole assembly line is backing up fast. The Personnel manager decides to see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the assembly line is so banked up, that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor. At the end of the line is the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics, he pulls himself together and approaches the woman.
"I'm sorry," He says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday". "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".
Mind Boggling Questions
Here are a few things to think about that you may never have considered.
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two pennyworth in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME junk, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two pennyworth in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME junk, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
Sleeping Pills
A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.
"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks..................................And believe me, it helps me sleep at night."
As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.
"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks..................................And believe me, it helps me sleep at night."
Onions and Christmas Trees!!
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only
Sunday, December 04, 2005
Oh to be British...
One of the national daily papers asked for comments about "what it means to be British".
Here is a comment from a chap in Switzerland who lived in Britain for 12 years.
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then traveling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV."
And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign!!
Here is a comment from a chap in Switzerland who lived in Britain for 12 years.
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then traveling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV."
And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign!!
Thursday, December 01, 2005
Ventriloquist
An English ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.
He figures he'll have some fun, so he says to the Welshman "Can I talk to your dog?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git"
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?
Dog: "Doin' alright"
Villager: (Look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (Pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play"
Villager: (Look of disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either. I think"
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (Absolutely dumfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements"
Villager: (Total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: (In a panic) "The sheep's a bl***y liar!!
He figures he'll have some fun, so he says to the Welshman "Can I talk to your dog?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git"
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?
Dog: "Doin' alright"
Villager: (Look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (Pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play"
Villager: (Look of disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either. I think"
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (Absolutely dumfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements"
Villager: (Total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: (In a panic) "The sheep's a bl***y liar!!
Men and women....................
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call eachother Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer toeach other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy. EATING OUT Whenthe bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in £20, eventhough it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, andnone will actually admit they want change back.When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he wants. A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't want.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, comb, shaving cream,razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A manwould not be able to identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL LOOK
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentistappointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears, andhopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call eachother Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer toeach other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy. EATING OUT Whenthe bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in £20, eventhough it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, andnone will actually admit they want change back.When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he wants. A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't want.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, comb, shaving cream,razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A manwould not be able to identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL LOOK
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentistappointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears, andhopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house
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