Some Facts

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. 
A human hair can hold 3kg. 
The length of a penis is 3x the length of the thumb. 
The femur is as hard as concrete. 
A woman's heartbeat is faster then a mans. 
Women blink 2x as much as men. 
We use 300 muscles to keep our balance when we stand. 
The women have read this entire text. 
The men are still looking at their thumb!

The Future

A group of 40 year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitresses there had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.

10 years later, at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and they even had an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

Rabbit

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'
The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie.  He then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down
The next night there is standing room only in the pub.
The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.
The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties...'
The rabbit looks aghast.
The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'
The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'
'Ok', says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.
He then waves to the crowd and leaves....
NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
-----
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.
When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.
The barman says, 'Who  are you?', To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'
The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous. You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.  Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'
The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'
The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties.  You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'
The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.
The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'
'I DIED', said the rabbit.
'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'
After a short pause, the rabbit said... *'Mixin-me-toasties.’*

My New Golf Book

You may not know it, but I have been very busy over the last couple of year’s putting my thoughts and ideas together into a book. I am very proud of the results and, in order to market the publication, I am asking friends and family to assist.
The book is on golf... I believe it gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I have gained through my years of experience.
The book is only £49.95 and can be ordered by simply replying to this email with the appropriate credit card info.

Highlights include:

   Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt
   Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Maxfli from the Rough When You Just Hit a Titleist from the Tee
   Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker
   Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance off the Shank
   Chapter 5 - When to Give the  Marshall the Finger
   Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings
   Chapter 7 - When to Implement Handicap Management
   Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m.
   Chapter 9 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water
   Chapter 10- How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three off the Tee
   Chapter 11- When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent
   Chapter 12- When to Re-grip Your Ball Retriever

The book also includes the latest GOLF TERMS
  A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole
  A Diegio Maradonna - a very nasty 5 footer
  A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read
  A Rio Ferdinand - Lipped out
  A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't
  A Cuban - needs one more revolution
  An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker
  A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand
  A Kate Winslett - a bit fat but otherwise perfect
  A Kate Moss - bit thin
  A Gerry Adams - playing a Provisional
  A Rodney King - over-clubbed
  An O. J. Simpson - got away with it
  A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver
  A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver
  A Ladyboy - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems
  An elephant's arse - high and shitty
  A condom - safe but didn't feel real good
  A circus tent - a BIG top
  An Anna Kournikova - looks great, but unlikely to get a result
  A Vinnie Jones - nasty kick when you're not expecting it
  A Ryanair - flies well but lands a long way from the target 

So What did You Think....?

He laid her on the table, so white & clean & bare. His forehead wet with beads of sweat, he rubbed her here & there. He touched her neck & felt her breast, then droolin felt her thigh. The slit was wet & all was set, he gave a joyous cry. The hole was wide... He looked inside, all was dark & murky. He rubbed his hands & stretched his arms... Then STUFFED the Christmas TURKEY! 

Spaghetti

For several years, an englishman was having an affair with an Italian woman. 
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey', she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife agreed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.

Cricket - An Explanation

It’s the cricket season…In order to assist people who not familiar with the game of Cricket, we offer this explanation . . . . .
Cricket is a game in which there are 2 sides - one out on the field, and the other in.
Each man in the side that is in goes out, and when he is out he comes in, then the next man goes out until he's out and then he comes in.
When the side that is in is all out, the side that has been out goes in, and the side that was in goes out and tries to get out the side that went in.
Sometimes there are men still in and not out when the side that is in is finally out.
When both sides have been in and out, including those not out and no longer in - that is the end of the game.

Announcement

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."  The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.  Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance."  The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards."  They don't have any other levels.  This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide."  The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender."  The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing."  Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." 

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs."  They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.  These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate."  Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!"  "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled."   So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Fortune Teller

During a shopping outing in Ireland with her sisters, Agnes O'Brien sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute.
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news.
"There's  no easy way to say this, so I'll just be  blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year".
Visibly  shaken, Agnes stared at the woman's lined  face,  then at  the crystal, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She  simply had to know.
She met  the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked her question.
"Will I  be acquitted?" 

Banking Crises - Word of Warning!

If the global crisis continues at the present rate, by the end of this year only two banks will be left operational .... the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank! And before you know it, these two will merge, and the whole place will be full of bloody w**kers. 

Good Old Welsh

An American photographer on vacation was inside a church in London taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '£10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Lincoln. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in London and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then travelled to York , Rotherham , Sheffield   Dewsbury, and Pickering. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '£10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Yorkshire decided to travel down to Wales to see if the Welsh had the same phone.

He arrived in Cardiff , and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 pence per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over England and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in England the price was £10,000 per call. Why is it only 50pence here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Wales now, son ... it's a local call.'

EU Irish Bailout

It is a slow day in a damp little Irish town. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the town, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the pub.

The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.

The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the same note.

The hotel proprietor then places the note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.  

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a bailout package works.

Handy Woman

A beautiful blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman', and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs that she could do..

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about £50 ?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house ?'

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it ?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes", the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50, and handed it to her along with a £10 tip.

"And by the way" the blonde added, "It's not a Porch, it's a Lexus!

Fatality

A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.
He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that  it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself'.
So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
The husband says; 'Stone me, it wasn't that creased in the shop'.

His funeral is this Thursday.

Girlfiends

A group of 15 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they only had £6.00 between them and Jimmy Johnson, that cute boy in Social Studies, lives on that street and they might see him and they can ride their bikes there.

10 years later, the group of 25 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the beer was cheap, they had free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover and there were lots of cute guys. 

10 years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and if they go late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

10 years later, at 45 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the martinis were big, and the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later, at 55 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was reasonable, the wine list was good, they had windows that open in case of a hot flash, and fish is good for your cholesterol. 10 years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because lighting was good and they have an early bird special. 

10 years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because food was not too spicy, the restaurant was disabled friendly, and they even had an elevator! 

10 years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before!

The Irish Prostitute

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. 

Upon her return, her Father cussed her. 
'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line?
Why didn't ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute...'

'Ye what!!?
Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner!
You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, the title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex.
And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club.......... (takes a breath)..........and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera'.
'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff.....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'
'Glory! Ye scared me half to death, girl!
I thought ye said a Protestant.
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.'

A Cabbie's Fantasy

A cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:

#1, you have to be single and

#2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK," the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Fancy Dress party."

Divorce v Murder

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law. I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife......
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Priest

A priest kept chickens at his village parish and one evening the cockerel went missing. At mass the priest asked:

"Who has a cock?" All the men got up.

"No, I meant who has seen a cock" All the women stood up.

"No, no, who has seen a cock that isn't theirs?" - Half the women got up.

"Oh for goodness sake" said the priest.

"Who has seen my cock?" All the choir boys got up.

Improved Health Service

The British Medical Association has weighed in on the new Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The ENT specialists wouldn’t hear of it.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't  have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in London. 

The Polish Divorce

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.

One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?

Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand.

Does either of you have a real grudge?

No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean what are your relations like?

All my relations still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player. 

Does your wife beat you up?

No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?

No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?

She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?

I got proof. 

What kind of proof?

She going to poison me. 

She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.

I can read, and it say: 

~~~Polish Remover~~~

Fascinate

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm  and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand.  She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand.  The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.   She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him for his offering.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

Everyones a Winner!

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine ..
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. 

Be Strong Honey

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sēx, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

First things First

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. 

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let"s row over to my place," she says. So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.  As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It"s not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No!  No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed.  "I can"t take another drop of coconut juice."

"It"s not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still.  How would you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I"m going to slip into something more comfortable.  Would you like to take a shower and shave?  There"s a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom.  There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone.  Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses.  "What"s next?"  When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias.  She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We"ve both been out here for many months.  You must have been lonely. There"s something I"m certain you feel like doing right now, something you"ve been longing for, right?" She stares into his eyes.

He can"t believe what he"s hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, "You"ve built a Golf Course?"