Fatality

A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.
He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that  it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself'.
So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
The husband says; 'Stone me, it wasn't that creased in the shop'.

His funeral is this Thursday.

Girlfiends

A group of 15 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they only had £6.00 between them and Jimmy Johnson, that cute boy in Social Studies, lives on that street and they might see him and they can ride their bikes there.

10 years later, the group of 25 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the beer was cheap, they had free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover and there were lots of cute guys. 

10 years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and if they go late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

10 years later, at 45 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the martinis were big, and the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later, at 55 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was reasonable, the wine list was good, they had windows that open in case of a hot flash, and fish is good for your cholesterol. 10 years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because lighting was good and they have an early bird special. 

10 years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because food was not too spicy, the restaurant was disabled friendly, and they even had an elevator! 

10 years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before!

The Irish Prostitute

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. 

Upon her return, her Father cussed her. 
'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line?
Why didn't ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute...'

'Ye what!!?
Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner!
You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, the title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex.
And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club.......... (takes a breath)..........and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera'.
'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff.....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'
'Glory! Ye scared me half to death, girl!
I thought ye said a Protestant.
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.'

A Cabbie's Fantasy

A cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:

#1, you have to be single and

#2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK," the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Fancy Dress party."

Divorce v Murder

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law. I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife......
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Priest

A priest kept chickens at his village parish and one evening the cockerel went missing. At mass the priest asked:

"Who has a cock?" All the men got up.

"No, I meant who has seen a cock" All the women stood up.

"No, no, who has seen a cock that isn't theirs?" - Half the women got up.

"Oh for goodness sake" said the priest.

"Who has seen my cock?" All the choir boys got up.