A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols.
He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing.
The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night." The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way."
The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him. The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent.
Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells." The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead.
Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing:
"Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!"
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Sinners
A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's'."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies. "Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style. The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"
The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes".
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's'."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies. "Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style. The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"
The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes".
Muffin
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut. The barber smiles at her and says, Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."
"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get tits too."
"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get tits too."
Innocence
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and Action Man."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."
"No," said the little girl. "She comes with Action Man, she fakes it with Ken."
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and Action Man."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."
"No," said the little girl. "She comes with Action Man, she fakes it with Ken."
Sexist
A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the Police. The police officer approaches him and asks: "Have you been drinking Sir?" "Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving badly?" "No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious"
Oh the pain!
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour if it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain that the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands' blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the milkman was dead on the porch.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain that the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands' blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the milkman was dead on the porch.
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Funny you should say that......
Jewish businessman in Chicago sent his son to Israel for a year to absorb the culture. When the son returned, he said, "Papa, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity."
"Oy vey," said the father, "What have I done?"
He took his problem to his best friend. "Ike," he said, "I sent my son to Israel, and he came home a Christian. What can I do?"
"Funny you should ask," said Ike. "I, too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi."
They explained their problem to the rabbi. "Funny you should ask," said the rabbi. "I, too sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. What is happening to our young people?"
They prayed, telling the Lord about their sons. As they finished their prayer, a voice came from the heavens:
"Funny you should ask," said the voice. "I, too, sent my son to Israel..."
"Oy vey," said the father, "What have I done?"
He took his problem to his best friend. "Ike," he said, "I sent my son to Israel, and he came home a Christian. What can I do?"
"Funny you should ask," said Ike. "I, too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi."
They explained their problem to the rabbi. "Funny you should ask," said the rabbi. "I, too sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. What is happening to our young people?"
They prayed, telling the Lord about their sons. As they finished their prayer, a voice came from the heavens:
"Funny you should ask," said the voice. "I, too, sent my son to Israel..."
Senior Center
It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, ------ it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Shit!" said the Hypnotist ...
It took three weeks to clean up the senior center.
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, ------ it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Shit!" said the Hypnotist ...
It took three weeks to clean up the senior center.
Sunday, December 18, 2005
Ohhhhhh! What a Feeling!!
On a flight to Chicago, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
The flight attendant noticed his predicament. "Sir," she said, "you may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.
"He went in and did what he needed to do, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP,and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist... he pushed WW.
Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button.
Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom is more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure!
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button, which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew, he was in a hospital and, as soon as he opened his eyes, saw a nurse staring down at him with a smirk on her face. "What happened?" he exclaimed. "You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse.
"The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
The flight attendant noticed his predicament. "Sir," she said, "you may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.
"He went in and did what he needed to do, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP,and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist... he pushed WW.
Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button.
Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom is more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure!
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button, which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew, he was in a hospital and, as soon as he opened his eyes, saw a nurse staring down at him with a smirk on her face. "What happened?" he exclaimed. "You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse.
"The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Merry Christmas !
A Christmas Story
'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!
I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde.
I'm going SOUTH for the season
'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!
I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde.
I'm going SOUTH for the season
Proven by Mathematics !
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will get you to the top!
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will get you to the top!
Police Warning - Please read
Police today warned all men who frequent clubs and parties to stay cautious when offered drinks by women.
Females are using a date rape drug called "beer" to target unsuspecting men. This drug comes in liquid form and is available nearly everywhere. "Beer" is used by female predators to persuade hapless male victims to go home with them.
Women need only persuade a man to consume a few of these "beers"and then ask him home for no-strings-attatched sex, a simple approach that renders most men helpless. After several "beers", men will have sex with even unattractive women. Often men awaken with only hazy memories of the night before, a horrible headache, and a vague feeling that something bad happened.
Some really unfortunate men are even seperated from their life's savings in a scam called "a relationship." In extreme cases, females have entrapped unsuspecting males into long-term servitude through a punishment called "marriage." Apparently, men are much more suspectible to this scam once "beer" is administered. Forward this warning to every male you know. And if you, or some man you know, have fallen victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women who administer it, rest assured: male support groups exist in every major city where you can discuss the ugly details of your encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, look in the Yellow Pages under "Golf Courses."
Females are using a date rape drug called "beer" to target unsuspecting men. This drug comes in liquid form and is available nearly everywhere. "Beer" is used by female predators to persuade hapless male victims to go home with them.
Women need only persuade a man to consume a few of these "beers"and then ask him home for no-strings-attatched sex, a simple approach that renders most men helpless. After several "beers", men will have sex with even unattractive women. Often men awaken with only hazy memories of the night before, a horrible headache, and a vague feeling that something bad happened.
Some really unfortunate men are even seperated from their life's savings in a scam called "a relationship." In extreme cases, females have entrapped unsuspecting males into long-term servitude through a punishment called "marriage." Apparently, men are much more suspectible to this scam once "beer" is administered. Forward this warning to every male you know. And if you, or some man you know, have fallen victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women who administer it, rest assured: male support groups exist in every major city where you can discuss the ugly details of your encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, look in the Yellow Pages under "Golf Courses."
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Facelift
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spends £5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she saysto the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think Iam?"
"About 32," is the reply."Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I guess about 29."The woman replies, "Nope I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds,"Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I am 50, but thank you."
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old awoman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast...He gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says,"Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?' The old man says, "promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't." she says.
"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
She spends £5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she saysto the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think Iam?"
"About 32," is the reply."Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I guess about 29."The woman replies, "Nope I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds,"Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I am 50, but thank you."
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old awoman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast...He gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says,"Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?' The old man says, "promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't." she says.
"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
Friday, December 09, 2005
6th grade Science class
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued.
"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework
And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued.
"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework
And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
Chocolate Joke
Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a coach journey. It was After Eight. She was from Quality Street; he was a Fisherman's Friend.
On the way, they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum & Butter and she had a Wine Gum. He asked her name. "Polo, I'm the one with the hole", she said.
"I'm the one with the Nuts", he thought. Then he touched her Milky Way.
They checked in and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt the contrast of her Double Decker. Then he showed her his Curly Wurly. Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any more Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a Magic Moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he came out, his Fun Sized Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more but he decided to take Time Out. However, he noticed her PinkWafers looked very appetising...So he did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbert and gave her a Gob Stopper.
Unfortunately Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel. Sadly, he was soon to discover he had caught VD. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with All Sorts.
Thursday, December 08, 2005
20 Things You Can Only get away with Saying at Christmas
1. I prefer breasts to legs
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside nice and moist.
3. I like Smother the butter all over the breasts!
4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5. I've never seen a better spread!
6. Are you ready for seconds yet?
7. It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?
8. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
9. Don't play with your meat.
10. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
11. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
12. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
13. You still have a little bit on your chin.
14. How long will it take after you put it in?
15. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
16. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
17. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
18. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning
19. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!
20. Do like a nice stuffing.
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside nice and moist.
3. I like Smother the butter all over the breasts!
4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5. I've never seen a better spread!
6. Are you ready for seconds yet?
7. It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?
8. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
9. Don't play with your meat.
10. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
11. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
12. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
13. You still have a little bit on your chin.
14. How long will it take after you put it in?
15. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
16. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
17. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
18. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning
19. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!
20. Do like a nice stuffing.
Tickle Me Elmo
A factory in America makes Tickle Me Elmo toys and the toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm.
A new employee is hired and she reports for her first day promptly at 08:00.
The next day at 08:45 there is a knock at the Personnel manager's door and the foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole assembly line is backing up fast. The Personnel manager decides to see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the assembly line is so banked up, that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor. At the end of the line is the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics, he pulls himself together and approaches the woman.
"I'm sorry," He says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday". "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".
A new employee is hired and she reports for her first day promptly at 08:00.
The next day at 08:45 there is a knock at the Personnel manager's door and the foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole assembly line is backing up fast. The Personnel manager decides to see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the assembly line is so banked up, that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor. At the end of the line is the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics, he pulls himself together and approaches the woman.
"I'm sorry," He says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday". "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".
Mind Boggling Questions
Here are a few things to think about that you may never have considered.
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two pennyworth in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME junk, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two pennyworth in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME junk, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
Sleeping Pills
A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.
"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks..................................And believe me, it helps me sleep at night."
As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.
"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks..................................And believe me, it helps me sleep at night."
Onions and Christmas Trees!!
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only
Sunday, December 04, 2005
Oh to be British...
One of the national daily papers asked for comments about "what it means to be British".
Here is a comment from a chap in Switzerland who lived in Britain for 12 years.
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then traveling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV."
And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign!!
Here is a comment from a chap in Switzerland who lived in Britain for 12 years.
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then traveling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV."
And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign!!
Thursday, December 01, 2005
Ventriloquist
An English ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.
He figures he'll have some fun, so he says to the Welshman "Can I talk to your dog?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git"
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?
Dog: "Doin' alright"
Villager: (Look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (Pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play"
Villager: (Look of disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either. I think"
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (Absolutely dumfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements"
Villager: (Total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: (In a panic) "The sheep's a bl***y liar!!
He figures he'll have some fun, so he says to the Welshman "Can I talk to your dog?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git"
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?
Dog: "Doin' alright"
Villager: (Look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (Pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play"
Villager: (Look of disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either. I think"
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (Absolutely dumfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements"
Villager: (Total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: (In a panic) "The sheep's a bl***y liar!!
Men and women....................
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call eachother Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer toeach other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy. EATING OUT Whenthe bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in £20, eventhough it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, andnone will actually admit they want change back.When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he wants. A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't want.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, comb, shaving cream,razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A manwould not be able to identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL LOOK
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentistappointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears, andhopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call eachother Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer toeach other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy. EATING OUT Whenthe bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in £20, eventhough it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, andnone will actually admit they want change back.When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he wants. A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't want.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, comb, shaving cream,razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A manwould not be able to identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL LOOK
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentistappointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears, andhopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
007?
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.
So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my bawls in your left hand and ma wullie in your right hand". Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "alright chuck".
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to....... "I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun". Cilla complies with the routine.
The results are absolutely mind blowing. Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer dat much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser , the bitch stole ma wallet !".
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.
So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my bawls in your left hand and ma wullie in your right hand". Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "alright chuck".
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to....... "I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun". Cilla complies with the routine.
The results are absolutely mind blowing. Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer dat much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser , the bitch stole ma wallet !".
Old Age!
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!"
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old.
"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!"
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old.
"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00!"
Sunday, November 27, 2005
African News Reports
*The following are actual news excerpts from the African press in South
Africa, Swaziland, Kenya and Zimbabwe.*
1. The Cape Times (Cape Town, RSA):
"I have promised to keep his identity confidential," said Jack Maxim, a spokesperson for the Sandton Sun Hotel, Johannesburg, "but I can confirm that he is no longer in our employment. We asked him to clean the lifts and he spent four days on the job. When I asked him why, he replied: 'Well, there are forty of them, two on each floor, and sometimes some of them aren't there.'
"Eventually, we realized that he thought each floor had a different lift, and he'd cleaned the same two lifts twenty times each. We had to let him go. It seemed best all round. I understand he is now working for GE Lighting."
2. The Star (Johannesburg):
"The situation is absolutely under control," Transport Minister Ephraem Magagula told the Swaziland parliament in Mbabane. "Our nation's merchant navy is perfectly safe. We just don't know where it is, that's all."
Replying to an MP's question, Minister Magagula admitted that the landlocked country had completely lost track of its only ship, the Swazimar. "We believe it is in a sea somewhere. At one time, we sent a team of men to look for it, but there was a problem with drink and they failed to find it, and so, technically, yes, we've lost it a bit. But I categorically reject all suggestions of incompetence on the part of this government. The Swazimar is a big ship painted in the sort of nice bright colours you can see at night. Mark my words, it will turn up. The right
honourable gentleman opposite is a very naughty man, and he will laugh on
the other side of his face when my ship comes in."
3. The Standard (Kenya):
"What is all the fuss about?" Weseka Sambu asked a hastily convened news conference at Jomo Kenyatta International Airport. "A technical hitch like this could have happened anywhere in the world. You people are not patriots. You just want to cause trouble."
Mr Sambu, a spokesman for Kenya Airways, was speaking after the cancellation of a through flight from Kisumu, via Jomo Kenyatta, to Berlin: "The forty-two passengers had boarded the plane ready for take-off when the pilot noticed one of the tyres was flat," he said. "Kenya Airways did not possess a spare tyre, and unfortunately the airport nitrogen canister was empty. A passenger suggested taking the tyre to a petrol station for inflation, but unluckily the jack had gone missing so we couldn't get the wheel off. Our engineers tried heroically to reinflate the tyre with a bicycle pump, but had no luck, and the pilot even blew into the valve with his mouth, but he passed out. "When I announced that the flight had to be abandoned, one of the passengers, Mr Mutu, suddenly struck me about the face with a life-jacket whistle and said we were a national disgrace. I told him he was being ridiculous, and that there was to be another flight in a fortnight. And, in the meantime, he would be able to enjoy the scenery around Kisumu, albeit at his own expense."
4. From a Zimbabwean newspaper:
While transporting mental patients from Harare to Bulawayo, the bus driver stopped at a roadside shebeen (beerhall) for a few beers. When he got back to his vehicle, he found it empty, with the 20 patients nowhere to be seen.
Realizing the trouble he would be in if the truth were uncovered, he halted his bus at the next bus stop and offered lifts to those in the queue. Letting 20 people board, he then shut the doors and drove straight to the Bulawayo mental hospital, where he hastily handed over his 'charges', warning the nurses that they were particularly excitable.
Staff removed the furious passengers; it was three days later that suspicions were aroused by the consistency of the stories from the 20. Nothing more has been heard of the real patients and they have apparently blended comfortably back into Zimbabwean society.
Africa, Swaziland, Kenya and Zimbabwe.*
1. The Cape Times (Cape Town, RSA):
"I have promised to keep his identity confidential," said Jack Maxim, a spokesperson for the Sandton Sun Hotel, Johannesburg, "but I can confirm that he is no longer in our employment. We asked him to clean the lifts and he spent four days on the job. When I asked him why, he replied: 'Well, there are forty of them, two on each floor, and sometimes some of them aren't there.'
"Eventually, we realized that he thought each floor had a different lift, and he'd cleaned the same two lifts twenty times each. We had to let him go. It seemed best all round. I understand he is now working for GE Lighting."
2. The Star (Johannesburg):
"The situation is absolutely under control," Transport Minister Ephraem Magagula told the Swaziland parliament in Mbabane. "Our nation's merchant navy is perfectly safe. We just don't know where it is, that's all."
Replying to an MP's question, Minister Magagula admitted that the landlocked country had completely lost track of its only ship, the Swazimar. "We believe it is in a sea somewhere. At one time, we sent a team of men to look for it, but there was a problem with drink and they failed to find it, and so, technically, yes, we've lost it a bit. But I categorically reject all suggestions of incompetence on the part of this government. The Swazimar is a big ship painted in the sort of nice bright colours you can see at night. Mark my words, it will turn up. The right
honourable gentleman opposite is a very naughty man, and he will laugh on
the other side of his face when my ship comes in."
3. The Standard (Kenya):
"What is all the fuss about?" Weseka Sambu asked a hastily convened news conference at Jomo Kenyatta International Airport. "A technical hitch like this could have happened anywhere in the world. You people are not patriots. You just want to cause trouble."
Mr Sambu, a spokesman for Kenya Airways, was speaking after the cancellation of a through flight from Kisumu, via Jomo Kenyatta, to Berlin: "The forty-two passengers had boarded the plane ready for take-off when the pilot noticed one of the tyres was flat," he said. "Kenya Airways did not possess a spare tyre, and unfortunately the airport nitrogen canister was empty. A passenger suggested taking the tyre to a petrol station for inflation, but unluckily the jack had gone missing so we couldn't get the wheel off. Our engineers tried heroically to reinflate the tyre with a bicycle pump, but had no luck, and the pilot even blew into the valve with his mouth, but he passed out. "When I announced that the flight had to be abandoned, one of the passengers, Mr Mutu, suddenly struck me about the face with a life-jacket whistle and said we were a national disgrace. I told him he was being ridiculous, and that there was to be another flight in a fortnight. And, in the meantime, he would be able to enjoy the scenery around Kisumu, albeit at his own expense."
4. From a Zimbabwean newspaper:
While transporting mental patients from Harare to Bulawayo, the bus driver stopped at a roadside shebeen (beerhall) for a few beers. When he got back to his vehicle, he found it empty, with the 20 patients nowhere to be seen.
Realizing the trouble he would be in if the truth were uncovered, he halted his bus at the next bus stop and offered lifts to those in the queue. Letting 20 people board, he then shut the doors and drove straight to the Bulawayo mental hospital, where he hastily handed over his 'charges', warning the nurses that they were particularly excitable.
Staff removed the furious passengers; it was three days later that suspicions were aroused by the consistency of the stories from the 20. Nothing more has been heard of the real patients and they have apparently blended comfortably back into Zimbabwean society.
Teachers Advice
Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit.
"Nina's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:
"Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother."
"Nina's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:
"Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother."
Dinner
Two cannibals are munchin on a clown. one looks at the other and says,
"Yo, does this thing taste funny to you?"
"Yo, does this thing taste funny to you?"
World's Shortest Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
The girl said, "NO!"
And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting andplayed golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.
THE END
The girl said, "NO!"
And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting andplayed golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.
THE END
Saturday, November 19, 2005
Chicken Surprise
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises,and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies,"Chicken Surprise.
"Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises,and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies,"Chicken Surprise.
"Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"
Seeing Valerie
The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged £1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out the money in cash, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row --too expensive-- and there were no discounts. The price was still £1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, "Exeter "
"Really" she said. "I have family in Exeter"
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your £3,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that there are three things in life that are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged £1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out the money in cash, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row --too expensive-- and there were no discounts. The price was still £1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, "Exeter "
"Really" she said. "I have family in Exeter"
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your £3,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that there are three things in life that are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
Unwise
A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes from zero to 200 in 6 seconds flat".
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway.She opened it and found a brand new set of bathroom scales.
He could be out the spare bedroom by the new year.
His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes from zero to 200 in 6 seconds flat".
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway.She opened it and found a brand new set of bathroom scales.
He could be out the spare bedroom by the new year.
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Phone Call
Phone Call ((((RING)))) **Pick Up**
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul "
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul"
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"
Brief Pause - "Uh, okay then, ..this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door,and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"
"Okay Daddy, just a minute" - A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy"
"And what happened honey?" he asked
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul ?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause**
Then Daddy says,"Swimming pool?... we don't have........??...
Is this 486-5731?"
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul "
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul"
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"
Brief Pause - "Uh, okay then, ..this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door,and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"
"Okay Daddy, just a minute" - A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy"
"And what happened honey?" he asked
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul ?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause**
Then Daddy says,"Swimming pool?... we don't have........??...
Is this 486-5731?"
Monday, November 14, 2005
The Three Bears
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in her little chair at the table.
She looks into her little bowl. It's empty.
"Who's been eating my porridge?!!" she squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and his is also empty.
"Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells...
"For goodness sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you? It was Mummy Bear who got up first, it was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Mummy Bear who made the coffee, it was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Mummy Bear who set the damn table, it was Mummy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dishes, and now that you've decided to drag yourselves downstairs and grace Mummy Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, coz I'm only going to say this one more time...
I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!!"
She looks into her little bowl. It's empty.
"Who's been eating my porridge?!!" she squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and his is also empty.
"Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells...
"For goodness sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you? It was Mummy Bear who got up first, it was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Mummy Bear who made the coffee, it was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Mummy Bear who set the damn table, it was Mummy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dishes, and now that you've decided to drag yourselves downstairs and grace Mummy Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, coz I'm only going to say this one more time...
I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!!"
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Another Blonde Joke
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started".
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when its finished? "
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the
table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, looks at the box then turns to her and
says: - "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger,"
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax, let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "let's put all the Frosties back in the box."
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started".
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when its finished? "
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the
table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, looks at the box then turns to her and
says: - "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger,"
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax, let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "let's put all the Frosties back in the box."
Zoo (2)
A man goes to a zoo but when he arrives there's only a dog............................ It was a shitzu
Man & Ostrich
A man walks into a restaurant with a full grown ostrich with him.
As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours? " I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. That will be £4.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger,fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be £8.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours? " I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. That will be £4.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger,fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be £8.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
The Perfect Husband
Several men are in the changing room of a golf club.
A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes garage and saw the new models. I
saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing.... The house we wanted last year
is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes garage and saw the new models. I
saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing.... The house we wanted last year
is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
Tiger
A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Cruise
The diary of a lady on a cruise.
DAY ONE
I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited.
DAY TWO
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful, and we saw some whales and dolphins. This is turning out to be the wonderful holiday I expected. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.
DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honoured and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.
DAY FOUR
Went to the ship's casino and won about £80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his stateroom. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.
DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to spend the night with him, and again I declined. He told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship. I was appalled.
DAY SIX
I saved 1,600 lives today, twice.
DAY ONE
I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited.
DAY TWO
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful, and we saw some whales and dolphins. This is turning out to be the wonderful holiday I expected. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.
DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honoured and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.
DAY FOUR
Went to the ship's casino and won about £80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his stateroom. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.
DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to spend the night with him, and again I declined. He told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship. I was appalled.
DAY SIX
I saved 1,600 lives today, twice.
Sunday, November 06, 2005
Tech Support
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have
Female customer: A white one
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No . wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
===============
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, dammit!
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
===============
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah.thank you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
===============
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
===============
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
Female customer: A white one
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No . wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
===============
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, dammit!
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
===============
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah.thank you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
===============
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
===============
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
Cow Joke
One cow to another cow.
I was artificially inseminated this morning.
Second cow.
I don't believe you.
First cow
It's true, straight up, no bull.
I was artificially inseminated this morning.
Second cow.
I don't believe you.
First cow
It's true, straight up, no bull.
Newly Weds
A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a v1rgin. Truth be told, he is not too experienced either.
On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring," he says, "I know dis yo firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his v1rgin bride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want to try somethin I have hear about .. numbaa 69."
More thoughtful silence, this time from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries... "You want... Chicken wiff Broccori?
On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring," he says, "I know dis yo firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his v1rgin bride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want to try somethin I have hear about .. numbaa 69."
More thoughtful silence, this time from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries... "You want... Chicken wiff Broccori?
Innocence
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said,"My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask???
The daughter replies, they make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?
The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said,"My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask???
The daughter replies, they make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?
Thursday, November 03, 2005
Learn a New Word Each Day!
Arbitrator (ar'-bi-tray-ter): A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Avoidable (uh-voy'-duh-buhl): What a bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney (buh-lo'-nee): Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette (burn'-a-det): The act of torching a mortgage.
Burglarize (bur'-gler-ize): What a crook sees with.
Control (kon-trol'): A short, ugly inmate.
Counterfeiters (kown-ter-fit-ers): Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Eclipse (i-klips'): what an English barber does for a living.
Eyedropper (i'-drop-ur): a clumsy ophthalmologist.
Heroes (hee'-rhos): what a guy in a boat does.
Left Bank (left' bangk'): what the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
Misty (mis'-tee): How golfers create divots.
Paradox (par'-u-doks): two physicians.
Parasites (par'-uh-sites): what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist (farm'-uh-sist): a helper on the farm.
Polarize (po'-lur-ize): what penguins see with.
Primate (pri'-ma)t: removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
Relief (ree-leef'): what trees do in the spring.
Rubberneck (rub'-er-nek): what you do to relax your wife.
Seamstress (seem'-stres): describes 200 pounds in a size two.
Selfish sel'-fish: what the owner of a seafood store does.
Subdued (sub-dood'): a guy, that works on one of those submarines.
Sudafed (sood'-a-fed): bringing litigation against a government official
Avoidable (uh-voy'-duh-buhl): What a bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney (buh-lo'-nee): Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette (burn'-a-det): The act of torching a mortgage.
Burglarize (bur'-gler-ize): What a crook sees with.
Control (kon-trol'): A short, ugly inmate.
Counterfeiters (kown-ter-fit-ers): Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Eclipse (i-klips'): what an English barber does for a living.
Eyedropper (i'-drop-ur): a clumsy ophthalmologist.
Heroes (hee'-rhos): what a guy in a boat does.
Left Bank (left' bangk'): what the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
Misty (mis'-tee): How golfers create divots.
Paradox (par'-u-doks): two physicians.
Parasites (par'-uh-sites): what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist (farm'-uh-sist): a helper on the farm.
Polarize (po'-lur-ize): what penguins see with.
Primate (pri'-ma)t: removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
Relief (ree-leef'): what trees do in the spring.
Rubberneck (rub'-er-nek): what you do to relax your wife.
Seamstress (seem'-stres): describes 200 pounds in a size two.
Selfish sel'-fish: what the owner of a seafood store does.
Subdued (sub-dood'): a guy, that works on one of those submarines.
Sudafed (sood'-a-fed): bringing litigation against a government official
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Duck Hunting
A big city lawyer went duck hunting. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own. The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in the country. We settle small disagreements like this with the Hoosier "Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Hoosier' Three Kick Rule'?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get onto feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you! old coot. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own. The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in the country. We settle small disagreements like this with the Hoosier "Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Hoosier' Three Kick Rule'?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get onto feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you! old coot. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
Brazillians
President Bush's morning security briefing is wrapping up. Donald Rumsfeld is concluding his part and says, " Finally, three Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday near Baghdad . "
" OH MY GOD! " shrieks Bush, and he buries his head in his hands for a seemingly interminable 30 seconds.
Stunned at the unexpecteddisplay of emotion, the president's staff sit speechless, not sure how to react. Finally, Bush looks up and asks Rumsfeld,
" How many is a brazillion? "
" OH MY GOD! " shrieks Bush, and he buries his head in his hands for a seemingly interminable 30 seconds.
Stunned at the unexpecteddisplay of emotion, the president's staff sit speechless, not sure how to react. Finally, Bush looks up and asks Rumsfeld,
" How many is a brazillion? "
A Christmas Tale
A Christmas tale to warm your hearts...
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day just before Christmas, a letter landed on his desk, simply addressed in shaky handwriting to "God". With no other clue on the envelope, he opened the letter and read, "Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on the State pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had in the world and no pension due until after Christmas. Next week is Christmas and I had invited two of my friends over for Xmas dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. God; can you please help me?"
The postal worker was really touched, and put a copy of the letter up on the Staff Notice board, at the main sorting office where he worked.The letter touched the other postmen and they all dug into their pockets and had a whip round. Between them they raised £96. Using an official franked Post Office envelope, they sent the cash on to the old lady, and for the rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter simply addressed to "God" landed in the Sorting Office. Many of the postmen gathered around while the letter was opened.It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your generosity, I was able to provide a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift - in fact we haven't gotten over it and our Vicar is beside himself with joy. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bast*rds at the Post Office.
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day just before Christmas, a letter landed on his desk, simply addressed in shaky handwriting to "God". With no other clue on the envelope, he opened the letter and read, "Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on the State pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had in the world and no pension due until after Christmas. Next week is Christmas and I had invited two of my friends over for Xmas dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. God; can you please help me?"
The postal worker was really touched, and put a copy of the letter up on the Staff Notice board, at the main sorting office where he worked.The letter touched the other postmen and they all dug into their pockets and had a whip round. Between them they raised £96. Using an official franked Post Office envelope, they sent the cash on to the old lady, and for the rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter simply addressed to "God" landed in the Sorting Office. Many of the postmen gathered around while the letter was opened.It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your generosity, I was able to provide a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift - in fact we haven't gotten over it and our Vicar is beside himself with joy. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bast*rds at the Post Office.
Monday, October 31, 2005
Saturday, October 29, 2005
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Friday, October 28, 2005
A Deer Hunter's Wife
Saturday morning a deer hunter gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the gun and goes to the garage to warm up his truck and head down to his favourite hunting area. He backs his truck out of the garage and discovers the rain is really pouring down. It is like a torrential downpour. There is also some snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 MPH. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so minutes later, he puts his truck in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed. There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is really terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "Can you b! elieve my stupid ass of a husband is out hunting deer in that s**t?"
Entrance
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard-bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God...."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard-bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God...."
Zoo
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who is the boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimpanzee house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked and stung by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. The new lion wanders up to another lion and says, "What's the food like here?"
The other lions say, "Absolutely brilliant. "Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."
The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who is the boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimpanzee house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked and stung by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. The new lion wanders up to another lion and says, "What's the food like here?"
The other lions say, "Absolutely brilliant. "Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."
Chat Up Lines
Smile and say ‘hello’
Do you believe in love at first sight…or shall I walk past again?
I seem to have lost my phone number, can I have yours?
All those curves, and me with no brakes.
You're like a parking ticket. You've got fine written all over you....
That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?
My bed is broken, can I use yours?
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
I want you almost as much as I want world peace.
HIM: "You look just like my first wife" HER: "How many times have you been married?" HIM: "Never".
"My friends over there bet that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl in the room. Want to buy some drinks with their money?"
"Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?"
Help the homeless – take me home with you.
If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Do I know you? (No.) That's a shame, I'd like to.
So, tell me about yourself; your dreams, your ambitions, your phone number.
Do you see my friend over there? (Point to friend who sheepishly waves from afar). He wants to know if you think I'm cute.
What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room?
Is it hot in here, or is it just you?
Guy: Are your parents terrorists? Girl: No, why? Guy: Because baby you're the BOMB!
Are you lost? Because heaven's a long way from here.
Those are nice jeans you have on... but you know they'd look even better crumpled up on the floor beside my bed.
If I followed you home, would you keep me?
I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you
"Oh no, I'm choking! I need mouth to mouth, quick!"
Why don't you come over here, sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?
Hi I'm Mr Right, I've heard that you've looking for me...
"Do you like to dance? Well then, could you go dance so I can talk to your friend? "
What are your measurements? I need them for the lotto as I know you're a winner and I want to be one too...
10 ton polar bear. If that doesn't break the ice, nothing will.
Oh, those are shoulder blades, I thought they were wings.
Hi, my name’s Fred Flintstone, and I’m gonna make your Bedrock!
If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d put U and I together.
My face is leaving in 10 minutes, you'd better be on it?
Was your father a thief? Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
Legs is the word of the day. Let's go back to your place and spread the word.
Is that a ladder in your tights or a stairway to heaven?
Do you sleep on your stomach? Do you mind if I do?
You don't sweat much for a fat lass
Do you believe in love at first sight…or shall I walk past again?
I seem to have lost my phone number, can I have yours?
All those curves, and me with no brakes.
You're like a parking ticket. You've got fine written all over you....
That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?
My bed is broken, can I use yours?
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
I want you almost as much as I want world peace.
HIM: "You look just like my first wife" HER: "How many times have you been married?" HIM: "Never".
"My friends over there bet that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl in the room. Want to buy some drinks with their money?"
"Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?"
Help the homeless – take me home with you.
If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Do I know you? (No.) That's a shame, I'd like to.
So, tell me about yourself; your dreams, your ambitions, your phone number.
Do you see my friend over there? (Point to friend who sheepishly waves from afar). He wants to know if you think I'm cute.
What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room?
Is it hot in here, or is it just you?
Guy: Are your parents terrorists? Girl: No, why? Guy: Because baby you're the BOMB!
Are you lost? Because heaven's a long way from here.
Those are nice jeans you have on... but you know they'd look even better crumpled up on the floor beside my bed.
If I followed you home, would you keep me?
I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you
"Oh no, I'm choking! I need mouth to mouth, quick!"
Why don't you come over here, sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?
Hi I'm Mr Right, I've heard that you've looking for me...
"Do you like to dance? Well then, could you go dance so I can talk to your friend? "
What are your measurements? I need them for the lotto as I know you're a winner and I want to be one too...
10 ton polar bear. If that doesn't break the ice, nothing will.
Oh, those are shoulder blades, I thought they were wings.
Hi, my name’s Fred Flintstone, and I’m gonna make your Bedrock!
If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d put U and I together.
My face is leaving in 10 minutes, you'd better be on it?
Was your father a thief? Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
Legs is the word of the day. Let's go back to your place and spread the word.
Is that a ladder in your tights or a stairway to heaven?
Do you sleep on your stomach? Do you mind if I do?
You don't sweat much for a fat lass
Saturday, October 22, 2005
Two Left Feet
While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.
Your foot will change direction.
I told you so .....And there's nothing you can do about it
Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.
Your foot will change direction.
I told you so .....And there's nothing you can do about it
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Love & Marraige
The husband and wife go to a counsellor after 15 years of marriage.
The counsellor asks them what the problem is, and the wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.
Finally, the counsellor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her with great warmth and passion.
The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.
The counsellor turns to the husband and says, "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I golf."
The counsellor asks them what the problem is, and the wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.
Finally, the counsellor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her with great warmth and passion.
The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.
The counsellor turns to the husband and says, "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I golf."
Daytime Affair
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One wet and windy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God -- hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover, "and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets, "it's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun; the rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window.
As he begins running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovers he has run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he starts running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Despite being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tries to blend in as best he can. After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replies, gasping for air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?"
"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car and go home!"
The third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?'
"Nope.......just when it's raining!"
One wet and windy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God -- hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover, "and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets, "it's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun; the rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window.
As he begins running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovers he has run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he starts running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Despite being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tries to blend in as best he can. After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replies, gasping for air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?"
"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car and go home!"
The third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?'
"Nope.......just when it's raining!"
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Guts or Balls?
The difference between guts and balls.
Guts -
is arriving home late after a night out with the lads, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
Balls -
is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the a*se and having the balls to say - "You're next fatty."
Guts -
is arriving home late after a night out with the lads, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
Balls -
is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the a*se and having the balls to say - "You're next fatty."
Construction Engineer
An old Construction Engineer went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his beer, a young lady sat down next to him.
She turned to the man and asked, "Are you a real Construction Engineer?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on big jobs, wearing a white helmet, playing computer games and attending meetings, so I guess I am."
"What do you do?' he asked.
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women, when I shower, watch TV, eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old man and asked, "Are you a real Construction Engineer?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
She turned to the man and asked, "Are you a real Construction Engineer?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on big jobs, wearing a white helmet, playing computer games and attending meetings, so I guess I am."
"What do you do?' he asked.
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women, when I shower, watch TV, eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old man and asked, "Are you a real Construction Engineer?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
Marriage Counsellor
A husband and wife go visit a marriage counsellor. First, the wife speaks to the counsellor alone. The counsellor asks,
” You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem? "
The wife replies,” It’ s my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues! "
" How does he drive you crazy? "
" For 20 years, " she says, " he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing. "
The marriage counsellor is amused,” Anything else "
" He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public! "
" Hmm, anything else? "
The wife hesitates,” Whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control! "
" Ah, " says the counsellor, " I think I’ ll talk to your husband now. "
So the wife goes out of the room and the husband says " For years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem? "
The counsellor explains,” She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public -- looking at the floor and never going near anyone else. "
The husband looks concerned, " Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I'd obey everything he said. "
" What did he say? "
" He said that I should never step on anyone's toes! "
The counsellor looks amused, " Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry. "
The husband looks sheepish, " Oh. Okay. "
The counsellor continues, " And you keep picking your nose in public. "
" Well, it’ s another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean. "
The counsellor smiled " That just means you should stay out of trouble. " then continued " And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking. "
" This, " says the husband seriously, " is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing. "
" What did he say? "
The husband replies, " In his dying breath, he said. Don't screw up. "
” You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem? "
The wife replies,” It’ s my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues! "
" How does he drive you crazy? "
" For 20 years, " she says, " he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing. "
The marriage counsellor is amused,” Anything else "
" He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public! "
" Hmm, anything else? "
The wife hesitates,” Whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control! "
" Ah, " says the counsellor, " I think I’ ll talk to your husband now. "
So the wife goes out of the room and the husband says " For years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem? "
The counsellor explains,” She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public -- looking at the floor and never going near anyone else. "
The husband looks concerned, " Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I'd obey everything he said. "
" What did he say? "
" He said that I should never step on anyone's toes! "
The counsellor looks amused, " Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry. "
The husband looks sheepish, " Oh. Okay. "
The counsellor continues, " And you keep picking your nose in public. "
" Well, it’ s another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean. "
The counsellor smiled " That just means you should stay out of trouble. " then continued " And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking. "
" This, " says the husband seriously, " is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing. "
" What did he say? "
The husband replies, " In his dying breath, he said. Don't screw up. "
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Pearly Gates
Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died:
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible.
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked every where, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible.
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked every where, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.
Headlines
The years best [actual] headlines of 2004:
- Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
- Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
- Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
- Miners Refuse to Work after Death
- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
- War Dims Hope for Peace
- If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
- Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges !
- Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
- Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
- Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
- Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes
1) Thats not right................................. Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive................ Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP.................................... Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man....................................... Dum Fuk
5) Small horse...................................... Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach?................... Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped in to a coffee table....... Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift.................. Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here.......................... Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet............. Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone.................... No Pah King
12) Staying out of sight........................... Lei Ying Lo
13) He's cleaning his automobile............. Wa Shing Ka
14) Your body odor is offensive............... Yu Stin Ki Pu
15) Great............................................. Fa Kin Su Pah
16) Would you like a fork ...................... Wa Ta Fook
2) Are you harboring a fugitive................ Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP.................................... Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man....................................... Dum Fuk
5) Small horse...................................... Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach?................... Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped in to a coffee table....... Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift.................. Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here.......................... Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet............. Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone.................... No Pah King
12) Staying out of sight........................... Lei Ying Lo
13) He's cleaning his automobile............. Wa Shing Ka
14) Your body odor is offensive............... Yu Stin Ki Pu
15) Great............................................. Fa Kin Su Pah
16) Would you like a fork ...................... Wa Ta Fook
Nursing Home Police
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.
One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished a round in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper, and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him Harold nodded, and said "Carry on, ma'am".As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable erection. "Oh, good grief," cried Ethel, "not the breathalyzer test again".
One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished a round in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper, and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him Harold nodded, and said "Carry on, ma'am".As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable erection. "Oh, good grief," cried Ethel, "not the breathalyzer test again".
Monday, October 17, 2005
The Cave
MEMORANDUM
From: Bin Laden, Osama
To: All Al Quieda Fighters
Subject: The Cave
Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns -
First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily, I've done my bit on the cleaning rota........ have you? I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster).
Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare most of the world population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the 'Wassup'thing. Thanks.
Third: Food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently, clearly wrote" Ossy " on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairylea slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.
Fourth: I'm not against team chanting and all that, but, we must distance ourselves from the Westerner's bat and ball games...it's just not cricket. Please do not chant " Ossy Ossy Ossy, Oy Oy Oy " every time I ride past on the donkey. Thanks
Five: Graffitti: Whoever wrote Ossie's into donkeys! on the group toilet wall please clean it off...it's a lie anyway, the donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.
Six: The use of chickens, is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse that the " chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain " will not be accepted in future. Bestiality with non halal chicken is forbidden...there is a grey area with donkeys however.
Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar,Hammed and Dave.
Love you lots, Group Hug.Os.
PS - I'm sick of having Osama's Bed Linen scribbled on my bed sheets -Cut it out Abdul, it's not funny anymore.
From: Bin Laden, Osama
To: All Al Quieda Fighters
Subject: The Cave
Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns -
First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily, I've done my bit on the cleaning rota........ have you? I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster).
Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare most of the world population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the 'Wassup'thing. Thanks.
Third: Food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently, clearly wrote" Ossy " on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairylea slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.
Fourth: I'm not against team chanting and all that, but, we must distance ourselves from the Westerner's bat and ball games...it's just not cricket. Please do not chant " Ossy Ossy Ossy, Oy Oy Oy " every time I ride past on the donkey. Thanks
Five: Graffitti: Whoever wrote Ossie's into donkeys! on the group toilet wall please clean it off...it's a lie anyway, the donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.
Six: The use of chickens, is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse that the " chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain " will not be accepted in future. Bestiality with non halal chicken is forbidden...there is a grey area with donkeys however.
Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar,Hammed and Dave.
Love you lots, Group Hug.Os.
PS - I'm sick of having Osama's Bed Linen scribbled on my bed sheets -Cut it out Abdul, it's not funny anymore.
Firemen
A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladders hung on the side and garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The littlegirl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a dog and a cat. The firefighter walks over to take a closer look, 'that's a lovely fire engine,' he says admiringly. 'Thanks,' says the little girl.
The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles.
'Little colleague,' says the firefighter, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.'
The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says: "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a bl**dy siren, would I?'
The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles.
'Little colleague,' says the firefighter, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.'
The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says: "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a bl**dy siren, would I?'
Pharmacy
A LADY walked into a drug store and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide.
The pharmacist said: "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said: "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband!" That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license.
"Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to pharmacist.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied: "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
The pharmacist said: "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said: "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband!" That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license.
"Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to pharmacist.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied: "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Van Gough
A CHAP walks into a pub and orders himself a beer. He notices that Vincent Van Gogh is sitting on the next stall, and asks himif he wants a beer.
"No thanks," replied Vincent, "I've got one ear."
"No thanks," replied Vincent, "I've got one ear."
Whip
A BLOKE and his girlfriend were making love in the back of his van when all of a sudden she shouted at him to whip her.
"Find something to whip me with now! If you do it will be the best sex you have ever had" she screamed. So he opened the window, snapped off the aerial and started whipping her with it.
Three weeks later she went to the doctor and asked him to take a look at some infected cuts that she had on her back. The doctor said: "These are really badly infected. I bet you got them making wild passionate love didn't you?''
"Yes" she replied, ''But how did you know that?'' she asked.
"Well, this is the worst case of van aerial disease I have ever seen."
"Find something to whip me with now! If you do it will be the best sex you have ever had" she screamed. So he opened the window, snapped off the aerial and started whipping her with it.
Three weeks later she went to the doctor and asked him to take a look at some infected cuts that she had on her back. The doctor said: "These are really badly infected. I bet you got them making wild passionate love didn't you?''
"Yes" she replied, ''But how did you know that?'' she asked.
"Well, this is the worst case of van aerial disease I have ever seen."
Ronnie Barker
In memory of a very funny man.....
This was originally shown on on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger (though god knows how many takes) Irony is that they received not one complaint. must have been the speed of delivery was too much for the whining herds. try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms as you read;
This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.
The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.
Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks
The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.
At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.
The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.
This was originally shown on on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger (though god knows how many takes) Irony is that they received not one complaint. must have been the speed of delivery was too much for the whining herds. try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms as you read;
This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.
The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.
Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks
The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.
At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.
The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.
Saturday, October 15, 2005
A visit to the mental asylum
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, "What is the criterion that defines a patient to be institutionalized?" "Well.." said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, and offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask them to empty the bathtub."
1. Would you use the spoon?
2. Would you use the teacup?
3. Would you use the bucket?
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup."
"Noooooo," answered the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug."
(You are not required to tell anyone how you did on this test)
1. Would you use the spoon?
2. Would you use the teacup?
3. Would you use the bucket?
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup."
"Noooooo," answered the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug."
(You are not required to tell anyone how you did on this test)
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