Monday, October 31, 2005
Saturday, October 29, 2005
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Friday, October 28, 2005
A Deer Hunter's Wife
Saturday morning a deer hunter gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the gun and goes to the garage to warm up his truck and head down to his favourite hunting area. He backs his truck out of the garage and discovers the rain is really pouring down. It is like a torrential downpour. There is also some snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 MPH. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so minutes later, he puts his truck in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed. There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is really terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "Can you b! elieve my stupid ass of a husband is out hunting deer in that s**t?"
Entrance
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard-bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God...."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard-bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God...."
Zoo
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who is the boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimpanzee house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked and stung by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. The new lion wanders up to another lion and says, "What's the food like here?"
The other lions say, "Absolutely brilliant. "Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."
The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who is the boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimpanzee house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked and stung by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. The new lion wanders up to another lion and says, "What's the food like here?"
The other lions say, "Absolutely brilliant. "Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."
Chat Up Lines
Smile and say ‘hello’
Do you believe in love at first sight…or shall I walk past again?
I seem to have lost my phone number, can I have yours?
All those curves, and me with no brakes.
You're like a parking ticket. You've got fine written all over you....
That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?
My bed is broken, can I use yours?
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
I want you almost as much as I want world peace.
HIM: "You look just like my first wife" HER: "How many times have you been married?" HIM: "Never".
"My friends over there bet that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl in the room. Want to buy some drinks with their money?"
"Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?"
Help the homeless – take me home with you.
If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Do I know you? (No.) That's a shame, I'd like to.
So, tell me about yourself; your dreams, your ambitions, your phone number.
Do you see my friend over there? (Point to friend who sheepishly waves from afar). He wants to know if you think I'm cute.
What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room?
Is it hot in here, or is it just you?
Guy: Are your parents terrorists? Girl: No, why? Guy: Because baby you're the BOMB!
Are you lost? Because heaven's a long way from here.
Those are nice jeans you have on... but you know they'd look even better crumpled up on the floor beside my bed.
If I followed you home, would you keep me?
I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you
"Oh no, I'm choking! I need mouth to mouth, quick!"
Why don't you come over here, sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?
Hi I'm Mr Right, I've heard that you've looking for me...
"Do you like to dance? Well then, could you go dance so I can talk to your friend? "
What are your measurements? I need them for the lotto as I know you're a winner and I want to be one too...
10 ton polar bear. If that doesn't break the ice, nothing will.
Oh, those are shoulder blades, I thought they were wings.
Hi, my name’s Fred Flintstone, and I’m gonna make your Bedrock!
If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d put U and I together.
My face is leaving in 10 minutes, you'd better be on it?
Was your father a thief? Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
Legs is the word of the day. Let's go back to your place and spread the word.
Is that a ladder in your tights or a stairway to heaven?
Do you sleep on your stomach? Do you mind if I do?
You don't sweat much for a fat lass
Do you believe in love at first sight…or shall I walk past again?
I seem to have lost my phone number, can I have yours?
All those curves, and me with no brakes.
You're like a parking ticket. You've got fine written all over you....
That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?
My bed is broken, can I use yours?
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
I want you almost as much as I want world peace.
HIM: "You look just like my first wife" HER: "How many times have you been married?" HIM: "Never".
"My friends over there bet that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl in the room. Want to buy some drinks with their money?"
"Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?"
Help the homeless – take me home with you.
If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Do I know you? (No.) That's a shame, I'd like to.
So, tell me about yourself; your dreams, your ambitions, your phone number.
Do you see my friend over there? (Point to friend who sheepishly waves from afar). He wants to know if you think I'm cute.
What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room?
Is it hot in here, or is it just you?
Guy: Are your parents terrorists? Girl: No, why? Guy: Because baby you're the BOMB!
Are you lost? Because heaven's a long way from here.
Those are nice jeans you have on... but you know they'd look even better crumpled up on the floor beside my bed.
If I followed you home, would you keep me?
I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you
"Oh no, I'm choking! I need mouth to mouth, quick!"
Why don't you come over here, sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?
Hi I'm Mr Right, I've heard that you've looking for me...
"Do you like to dance? Well then, could you go dance so I can talk to your friend? "
What are your measurements? I need them for the lotto as I know you're a winner and I want to be one too...
10 ton polar bear. If that doesn't break the ice, nothing will.
Oh, those are shoulder blades, I thought they were wings.
Hi, my name’s Fred Flintstone, and I’m gonna make your Bedrock!
If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d put U and I together.
My face is leaving in 10 minutes, you'd better be on it?
Was your father a thief? Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
Legs is the word of the day. Let's go back to your place and spread the word.
Is that a ladder in your tights or a stairway to heaven?
Do you sleep on your stomach? Do you mind if I do?
You don't sweat much for a fat lass
Saturday, October 22, 2005
Two Left Feet
While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.
Your foot will change direction.
I told you so .....And there's nothing you can do about it
Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.
Your foot will change direction.
I told you so .....And there's nothing you can do about it
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Love & Marraige
The husband and wife go to a counsellor after 15 years of marriage.
The counsellor asks them what the problem is, and the wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.
Finally, the counsellor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her with great warmth and passion.
The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.
The counsellor turns to the husband and says, "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I golf."
The counsellor asks them what the problem is, and the wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.
Finally, the counsellor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her with great warmth and passion.
The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.
The counsellor turns to the husband and says, "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I golf."
Daytime Affair
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One wet and windy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God -- hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover, "and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets, "it's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun; the rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window.
As he begins running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovers he has run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he starts running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Despite being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tries to blend in as best he can. After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replies, gasping for air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?"
"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car and go home!"
The third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?'
"Nope.......just when it's raining!"
One wet and windy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God -- hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover, "and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets, "it's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun; the rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window.
As he begins running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovers he has run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he starts running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Despite being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tries to blend in as best he can. After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replies, gasping for air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?"
"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car and go home!"
The third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?'
"Nope.......just when it's raining!"
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Guts or Balls?
The difference between guts and balls.
Guts -
is arriving home late after a night out with the lads, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
Balls -
is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the a*se and having the balls to say - "You're next fatty."
Guts -
is arriving home late after a night out with the lads, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
Balls -
is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the a*se and having the balls to say - "You're next fatty."
Construction Engineer
An old Construction Engineer went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his beer, a young lady sat down next to him.
She turned to the man and asked, "Are you a real Construction Engineer?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on big jobs, wearing a white helmet, playing computer games and attending meetings, so I guess I am."
"What do you do?' he asked.
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women, when I shower, watch TV, eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old man and asked, "Are you a real Construction Engineer?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
She turned to the man and asked, "Are you a real Construction Engineer?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on big jobs, wearing a white helmet, playing computer games and attending meetings, so I guess I am."
"What do you do?' he asked.
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women, when I shower, watch TV, eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old man and asked, "Are you a real Construction Engineer?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
Marriage Counsellor
A husband and wife go visit a marriage counsellor. First, the wife speaks to the counsellor alone. The counsellor asks,
” You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem? "
The wife replies,” It’ s my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues! "
" How does he drive you crazy? "
" For 20 years, " she says, " he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing. "
The marriage counsellor is amused,” Anything else "
" He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public! "
" Hmm, anything else? "
The wife hesitates,” Whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control! "
" Ah, " says the counsellor, " I think I’ ll talk to your husband now. "
So the wife goes out of the room and the husband says " For years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem? "
The counsellor explains,” She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public -- looking at the floor and never going near anyone else. "
The husband looks concerned, " Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I'd obey everything he said. "
" What did he say? "
" He said that I should never step on anyone's toes! "
The counsellor looks amused, " Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry. "
The husband looks sheepish, " Oh. Okay. "
The counsellor continues, " And you keep picking your nose in public. "
" Well, it’ s another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean. "
The counsellor smiled " That just means you should stay out of trouble. " then continued " And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking. "
" This, " says the husband seriously, " is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing. "
" What did he say? "
The husband replies, " In his dying breath, he said. Don't screw up. "
” You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem? "
The wife replies,” It’ s my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues! "
" How does he drive you crazy? "
" For 20 years, " she says, " he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing. "
The marriage counsellor is amused,” Anything else "
" He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public! "
" Hmm, anything else? "
The wife hesitates,” Whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control! "
" Ah, " says the counsellor, " I think I’ ll talk to your husband now. "
So the wife goes out of the room and the husband says " For years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem? "
The counsellor explains,” She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public -- looking at the floor and never going near anyone else. "
The husband looks concerned, " Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I'd obey everything he said. "
" What did he say? "
" He said that I should never step on anyone's toes! "
The counsellor looks amused, " Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry. "
The husband looks sheepish, " Oh. Okay. "
The counsellor continues, " And you keep picking your nose in public. "
" Well, it’ s another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean. "
The counsellor smiled " That just means you should stay out of trouble. " then continued " And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking. "
" This, " says the husband seriously, " is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing. "
" What did he say? "
The husband replies, " In his dying breath, he said. Don't screw up. "
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Pearly Gates
Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died:
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible.
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked every where, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible.
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked every where, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.
Headlines
The years best [actual] headlines of 2004:
- Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
- Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
- Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
- Miners Refuse to Work after Death
- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
- War Dims Hope for Peace
- If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
- Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges !
- Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
- Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
- Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
- Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes
1) Thats not right................................. Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive................ Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP.................................... Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man....................................... Dum Fuk
5) Small horse...................................... Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach?................... Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped in to a coffee table....... Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift.................. Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here.......................... Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet............. Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone.................... No Pah King
12) Staying out of sight........................... Lei Ying Lo
13) He's cleaning his automobile............. Wa Shing Ka
14) Your body odor is offensive............... Yu Stin Ki Pu
15) Great............................................. Fa Kin Su Pah
16) Would you like a fork ...................... Wa Ta Fook
2) Are you harboring a fugitive................ Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP.................................... Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man....................................... Dum Fuk
5) Small horse...................................... Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach?................... Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped in to a coffee table....... Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift.................. Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here.......................... Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet............. Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone.................... No Pah King
12) Staying out of sight........................... Lei Ying Lo
13) He's cleaning his automobile............. Wa Shing Ka
14) Your body odor is offensive............... Yu Stin Ki Pu
15) Great............................................. Fa Kin Su Pah
16) Would you like a fork ...................... Wa Ta Fook
Nursing Home Police
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.
One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished a round in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper, and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him Harold nodded, and said "Carry on, ma'am".As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable erection. "Oh, good grief," cried Ethel, "not the breathalyzer test again".
One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished a round in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper, and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him Harold nodded, and said "Carry on, ma'am".As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable erection. "Oh, good grief," cried Ethel, "not the breathalyzer test again".
Monday, October 17, 2005
The Cave
MEMORANDUM
From: Bin Laden, Osama
To: All Al Quieda Fighters
Subject: The Cave
Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns -
First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily, I've done my bit on the cleaning rota........ have you? I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster).
Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare most of the world population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the 'Wassup'thing. Thanks.
Third: Food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently, clearly wrote" Ossy " on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairylea slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.
Fourth: I'm not against team chanting and all that, but, we must distance ourselves from the Westerner's bat and ball games...it's just not cricket. Please do not chant " Ossy Ossy Ossy, Oy Oy Oy " every time I ride past on the donkey. Thanks
Five: Graffitti: Whoever wrote Ossie's into donkeys! on the group toilet wall please clean it off...it's a lie anyway, the donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.
Six: The use of chickens, is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse that the " chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain " will not be accepted in future. Bestiality with non halal chicken is forbidden...there is a grey area with donkeys however.
Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar,Hammed and Dave.
Love you lots, Group Hug.Os.
PS - I'm sick of having Osama's Bed Linen scribbled on my bed sheets -Cut it out Abdul, it's not funny anymore.
From: Bin Laden, Osama
To: All Al Quieda Fighters
Subject: The Cave
Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns -
First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily, I've done my bit on the cleaning rota........ have you? I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster).
Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare most of the world population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the 'Wassup'thing. Thanks.
Third: Food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently, clearly wrote" Ossy " on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairylea slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.
Fourth: I'm not against team chanting and all that, but, we must distance ourselves from the Westerner's bat and ball games...it's just not cricket. Please do not chant " Ossy Ossy Ossy, Oy Oy Oy " every time I ride past on the donkey. Thanks
Five: Graffitti: Whoever wrote Ossie's into donkeys! on the group toilet wall please clean it off...it's a lie anyway, the donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.
Six: The use of chickens, is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse that the " chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain " will not be accepted in future. Bestiality with non halal chicken is forbidden...there is a grey area with donkeys however.
Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar,Hammed and Dave.
Love you lots, Group Hug.Os.
PS - I'm sick of having Osama's Bed Linen scribbled on my bed sheets -Cut it out Abdul, it's not funny anymore.
Firemen
A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladders hung on the side and garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The littlegirl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a dog and a cat. The firefighter walks over to take a closer look, 'that's a lovely fire engine,' he says admiringly. 'Thanks,' says the little girl.
The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles.
'Little colleague,' says the firefighter, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.'
The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says: "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a bl**dy siren, would I?'
The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles.
'Little colleague,' says the firefighter, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.'
The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says: "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a bl**dy siren, would I?'
Pharmacy
A LADY walked into a drug store and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide.
The pharmacist said: "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said: "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband!" That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license.
"Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to pharmacist.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied: "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
The pharmacist said: "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said: "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband!" That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license.
"Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to pharmacist.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied: "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Van Gough
A CHAP walks into a pub and orders himself a beer. He notices that Vincent Van Gogh is sitting on the next stall, and asks himif he wants a beer.
"No thanks," replied Vincent, "I've got one ear."
"No thanks," replied Vincent, "I've got one ear."
Whip
A BLOKE and his girlfriend were making love in the back of his van when all of a sudden she shouted at him to whip her.
"Find something to whip me with now! If you do it will be the best sex you have ever had" she screamed. So he opened the window, snapped off the aerial and started whipping her with it.
Three weeks later she went to the doctor and asked him to take a look at some infected cuts that she had on her back. The doctor said: "These are really badly infected. I bet you got them making wild passionate love didn't you?''
"Yes" she replied, ''But how did you know that?'' she asked.
"Well, this is the worst case of van aerial disease I have ever seen."
"Find something to whip me with now! If you do it will be the best sex you have ever had" she screamed. So he opened the window, snapped off the aerial and started whipping her with it.
Three weeks later she went to the doctor and asked him to take a look at some infected cuts that she had on her back. The doctor said: "These are really badly infected. I bet you got them making wild passionate love didn't you?''
"Yes" she replied, ''But how did you know that?'' she asked.
"Well, this is the worst case of van aerial disease I have ever seen."
Ronnie Barker
In memory of a very funny man.....
This was originally shown on on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger (though god knows how many takes) Irony is that they received not one complaint. must have been the speed of delivery was too much for the whining herds. try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms as you read;
This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.
The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.
Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks
The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.
At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.
The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.
This was originally shown on on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger (though god knows how many takes) Irony is that they received not one complaint. must have been the speed of delivery was too much for the whining herds. try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms as you read;
This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.
The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.
Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks
The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.
At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.
The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.
Saturday, October 15, 2005
A visit to the mental asylum
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, "What is the criterion that defines a patient to be institutionalized?" "Well.." said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, and offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask them to empty the bathtub."
1. Would you use the spoon?
2. Would you use the teacup?
3. Would you use the bucket?
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup."
"Noooooo," answered the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug."
(You are not required to tell anyone how you did on this test)
1. Would you use the spoon?
2. Would you use the teacup?
3. Would you use the bucket?
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup."
"Noooooo," answered the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug."
(You are not required to tell anyone how you did on this test)
Fighter
A prize fighter was driving through Scotland - on a winter holiday with his wife. He said, " I've been thinking. I've always heard how tough Highlanders are. Here I am with a 20-0 record in the ring. I feel like I'm tough but I've never fought a Jock. It's got me to wondering. "The wife said, " Oh, that doesn't make any difference. You're successful at what you do. You've fought some mighty tough guys and you've always come out on top. "He said, " Yeah, but I still can't help but wonder. Before we go home, I'm going to have to whip a Jock's arse. "A while later a tyre burst. The fighter got stopped and it was way below freezing with driving sleet. He was not looking forward to changing the wheel. As he started getting the jack out a breakdown truck drove by. The driver, a giant of a man, asked " D'ye need a hand Jimmy? "The fighter said, " Yeah, I need a wheel change and I need to whip a Jock's arse. Which one do you want to help me with? "The jock said, " Hae aboot this? Ye whop my arse, I'll change your wheel. I whop your arse, ye hold my balls up out of the snow while I f**k the wee lady. "They agreed and set to.A little later the prize fighter and his wife were back on the road and she said, " I guess that Highlander wasn't so tough after all. "He said, " No, did you see the way he flinched when I dropped his balls in the snow ? "
Dead Pig
Tony Blair and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Tony told his driver to go up to the farm house and explain to the owners what had happened.About 1 hour later Tony sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn." What happened to you " , asked Tony.Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the Cigar and his 19 year old daughter ripped my clothes off and gave me a blow job." My God, what did you tell them " , asks Blair.The driver replies, " I'm Tony Blair's driver, and I just killed the pig"
Stuck Pig
A farmhand in Australia was out checking farm fences in his Landcruiser when he hit something. He radioed the farm for advice." There's a pig stuck in the bullbar and is still alive but he's kicking and squealing so much I can't get him free " he said.
" Okay, " said the boss." In the back of the 'cruiser there's a pistol Put it up to the pig's head and shoot it.When its body goes all limp you'll be able to get it off the bullbar and throw it into the bush. "About 45 minutes later the farmhand called in again," I did what you said, boss. I shot the pig in the head, he went all limp and I got him out of the bullbar, no problem. But I still can't go on. "" Why not? " Asked the boss. " What's the problem? "" Well it's his motorbike ... the flashing blue light is jammed under the wheel-arch. "
" Okay, " said the boss." In the back of the 'cruiser there's a pistol Put it up to the pig's head and shoot it.When its body goes all limp you'll be able to get it off the bullbar and throw it into the bush. "About 45 minutes later the farmhand called in again," I did what you said, boss. I shot the pig in the head, he went all limp and I got him out of the bullbar, no problem. But I still can't go on. "" Why not? " Asked the boss. " What's the problem? "" Well it's his motorbike ... the flashing blue light is jammed under the wheel-arch. "
Wasps
(Apologies for this one !)
A World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps is walking down The High St. one day when he spots an advert in his local record shop for "Wasp sounds from around the Globe". On further enquiry he discovers that a vinyl recording of this subject has just been released and a few copies are available in store there and then.
Naturally, being a World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps he is curious and asks the young chap behind the counter if he can have a listen to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe". A few seconds later the World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps is standing at one of those little sound stations with his Earphones on and a puzzled expression on his face. He removes the headphones, walks back to the counter and catches the young sales person's attention.
"Excuse me" he says, "I'm A World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps and I've just been listening to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe", and I must say, there appears to be some mistake. Those are no Wasp sounds with which I am familiar".
The young man dutifully checks the recording in question and assures the World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps that he is indeed listening to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe".
Puzzled, the World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps Returns to the headphones and once again begins to listen. After a few seconds he once again returns to the counter and accosts the young fellow there.
"Excuse me" he says, "As I mentioned before, I am a World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps and I've just been listening to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe" and I have to say again, those are no Wasp sounds with which I am familiar. Are you certain I have been listening to the correct recording?"
Slightly exasperated by now, the young man checks the disc currently playing and with a slightly sheepish grin confesses:
"Oops, sorry Sir, I seem to have played you the Bee side
A World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps is walking down The High St. one day when he spots an advert in his local record shop for "Wasp sounds from around the Globe". On further enquiry he discovers that a vinyl recording of this subject has just been released and a few copies are available in store there and then.
Naturally, being a World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps he is curious and asks the young chap behind the counter if he can have a listen to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe". A few seconds later the World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps is standing at one of those little sound stations with his Earphones on and a puzzled expression on his face. He removes the headphones, walks back to the counter and catches the young sales person's attention.
"Excuse me" he says, "I'm A World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps and I've just been listening to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe", and I must say, there appears to be some mistake. Those are no Wasp sounds with which I am familiar".
The young man dutifully checks the recording in question and assures the World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps that he is indeed listening to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe".
Puzzled, the World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps Returns to the headphones and once again begins to listen. After a few seconds he once again returns to the counter and accosts the young fellow there.
"Excuse me" he says, "As I mentioned before, I am a World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps and I've just been listening to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe" and I have to say again, those are no Wasp sounds with which I am familiar. Are you certain I have been listening to the correct recording?"
Slightly exasperated by now, the young man checks the disc currently playing and with a slightly sheepish grin confesses:
"Oops, sorry Sir, I seem to have played you the Bee side
Date
(This one also needs advanced apologies !)
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there's a gorgeous red head at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. With amazing reflex action, he reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks.
They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.
She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ...... and stay for breakfast.
They have a wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed!! Everything has been SO incredible!!!!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
No," she replies........."
She says:
"You just happened to catch my eye."
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there's a gorgeous red head at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. With amazing reflex action, he reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks.
They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.
She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ...... and stay for breakfast.
They have a wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed!! Everything has been SO incredible!!!!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
No," she replies........."
She says:
"You just happened to catch my eye."
Little Johnny
One day the Primary 1 teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs
to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said F***in' hell! A talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes!
to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said F***in' hell! A talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes!
Coincidence?.....you decide
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Now it gets really weird.
Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. Lyndon
Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839. Lee
Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Now hang on to your seat.
Lincoln was shot at the theatre named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln' made by 'Ford.'
Lincoln was shot in a theatre and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theatre.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And here's the kicker...
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Now it gets really weird.
Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. Lyndon
Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839. Lee
Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Now hang on to your seat.
Lincoln was shot at the theatre named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln' made by 'Ford.'
Lincoln was shot in a theatre and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theatre.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And here's the kicker...
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Pregnant
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused when on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he called the police.
When the policeman arrived he asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said: "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said: "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident".. I just lost it."
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused when on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he called the police.
When the policeman arrived he asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said: "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said: "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident".. I just lost it."
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Helpful Hints
A GUIDE TO HEALTH
(A question and answer session)
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q. Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride!"
(A question and answer session)
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q. Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride!"
Furniture Dealer
A furniture dealer from Newfoundland decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to France to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to the French capitol), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Newfoundland.To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the one other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, he has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Underground
A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service.I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction".
"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
"Do you want the good news first or the bad news. The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."
"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'".
"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".
"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me."
During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced: "step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman...unfortunately towels are not provided".
"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ....) "Oh go on then, stuff ourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."
"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions."
"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."
"We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door"
"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"
"Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please move ALL belongings away from the doors (Pause...) This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train - put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways"
"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage".
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service.I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction".
"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
"Do you want the good news first or the bad news. The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."
"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'".
"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".
"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me."
During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced: "step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman...unfortunately towels are not provided".
"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ....) "Oh go on then, stuff ourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."
"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions."
"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."
"We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door"
"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"
"Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please move ALL belongings away from the doors (Pause...) This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train - put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways"
"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage".
Gas
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says,
"Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I've passed gas at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was passing gas because they don't smell and are silent."
The doctor says,"I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back."Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now when I pass gas although still silent they stink terribly."
"Good," the doctor said, "now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
"Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I've passed gas at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was passing gas because they don't smell and are silent."
The doctor says,"I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back."Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now when I pass gas although still silent they stink terribly."
"Good," the doctor said, "now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
Monday, October 03, 2005
Darwin Awards 2005
Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious winners:
1. When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked
.....And now, the honourable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
1. When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked
.....And now, the honourable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
Wrong Man
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,"You sign! You sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,"You sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him,"Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,"You sign! You sign!"
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:"Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,"You sign! You sign!" Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him:
"Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"
The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
wait for it
...................Get your best Chinese accent ready
"You not Nissan Main Deala?"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,"You sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him,"Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,"You sign! You sign!"
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:"Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,"You sign! You sign!" Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him:
"Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"
The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
wait for it
...................Get your best Chinese accent ready
"You not Nissan Main Deala?"
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