A blonde walks into a bank in London and asks to see the Manager. She saysshe's going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000. The manager says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.The Manager and the tellers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a £200,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the £5,000 and interest which comes to £15.41. The Manager says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionairess. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000?"The blonde replies ..."Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Friday, September 30, 2005
Management Policy
EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY
Dress Code
Management advise that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay rise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay rise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay rise.
Sick Days
Management will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Holiday Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
Compassionate Leave
Management will not accept excuses for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. Management will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company notice board / intranet under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Dress Code
Management advise that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay rise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay rise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay rise.
Sick Days
Management will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Holiday Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
Compassionate Leave
Management will not accept excuses for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. Management will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company notice board / intranet under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)