Tongue Twister

See if you can do this:
Read each line aloud

This is this cat.
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dimwit cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top.
Now get back to work.

Caught Red Handed

A wife comes home early from work one day only to find her husband in bed with a strange woman. "That's it!" she screams at him. "I'm leaving you and never coming back." The husband says, "Don't you at least want to hear my explanation?" She shrugs and says, "Fine, let's hear your story. But this won't do you any good!" He says, "Well, I'm driving along the street, when I see this young lady in torn clothes, no shoes, all muddy and crying. I took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up in my house. She climbed into my truck and I brought her home. She took a shower and I gave her the underwear that doesn't fit you anymore, the silk blouse and slacks that I bought you two years ago that you wore once, the $150 Nike running shoes you bought and wore only twice. I even gave her some of the roast beef you had in the fridge, that you never touched last night. Then I showed her to the door. She was so grateful for all these things she thanked me profusely. But then, just as she was about to leave, She turned around and asked me........

"Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?"

You Choose !

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now.
He looks at her and says angrily; Fix the light, now? Does it look like I have an electricians logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!
The wife asks, well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right.
To which he replied, Fix the fridge door? Does it look like i have Hotpoint written on my forehead? I don't think so.
Fine, she says, Then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break.
Look I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps he says. Does it look like I have Woodies DIY written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the pub.
So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.
As he walks into the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
Honey, he asks, how'd all this get fixed?
She said, well, when you left I sat outside and cried just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.
He said, so what kind of cake did you bake him?
She replied, hellooooo.......do you see Delia Smith written on my forehead? I don't think so!!!

Paper Bag

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors
"Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag.
"Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days."
The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.
"What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag.
"I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.
"No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper bag.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!" "Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?" asked the doctor.
"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?" queried the doctor.
"NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"
"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor
"Your mother must have been a carrier"

Nurse

A patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a four hour operation.
A cute young nurse appears to sponge his hands and face. ”nurse" he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" embarrassed, the young nurse blushes and replies, "I don’t know. I’m only here to wash your hands and face." he struggles again to ask, "nurse are my testicles black?"
Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his privates and jiggles them about a bit, takes a good look and says, "there’s nothing wrong with them!" The man pulls off his oxygen mask, and says very slowly, "that was very nice but listen very, very carefully - ARE....MY.....TEST....RESULTS....BACK?"

Slip of the tongue?

A man gets up one morning to find his wife already in the kitchen cooking. He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in the frying pan.
"What are you doing?" he asks."I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied
Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."

Women Insensitive? Never!!

Dave returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Dave went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Alma agreed and again they made love.
Later, Dave was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Dave, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up."Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,"Listen Dave, I have to get up in the morning!

You don't.".

Irish Maths

Paddy is applying for job and must answer three questions!
Here's your first question," the foreman said.
"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" Paddy says.
"Dats easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"'Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says Paddy.
"Fair enough," says the boss, "Here is your second question.
Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
Paddy stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now! So it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire Paddy, so he says,
"All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
Paddy stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "Ere you go. One 'undred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
Paddy leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree, and says, "A little dog come along and crapped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one hundred........So when do I start?"

All Kinds of Sex

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be £3,500 for
"small, £6,500 for "medium, £14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked thedoctor. The man answered, "She'd rather have a new kitchen".

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - COLD As Ever." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: "Here Lies My Husband - STIFF At Last."

WOMEN'S HUMOR
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says "I'll miss you."

English Signs in Foreign Countries

1. In a Bangkok temple:
"IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN."
2. Cocktail lounge, Norway:
"LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR."
3. Doctors office, Rome:
"SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
4. Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
"DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
5. In a Nairobi restaurant:
"CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER."
6. On an Athi River highway:this is the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi.
"TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE."
7. On a poster at Kencom:
"ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP."
8. In a City restaurant:
"OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS."
9. A sign seen on an automatic rest room hand dryer.
"DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS."
10. In a cemetery:
"PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES."
11. Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
"GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED."
12. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
"OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR."
13. In a Tokyo bar:
"SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS."
14. Hotel, Yugoslavia:
"THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID."
15. Hotel, Japan:
"YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID."
16. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
"YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY."
17. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
"IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE."
18. Hotel, Zurich:
"BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE."
19. In a Swiss mountain inn:
"SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM."
20. Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
"WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS."
21. A laundry in Rome:
"LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME."

Dumb

A beautiful blonde goes into a bar and sits down next to a guy that's so homely looking, he hasn't had a date in over a year. Also, he's sooooo dumb that one night he slept with a ruler next to his head to see how long he slept. So he figures that he has absolutely no chance in the world to score a date with this ravishing buxom blonde.

Then suddenly she strikes up a conversation with him and soon they become rather chummy. It starts to get late and the bartender calls out last drink for alcohol, then the blonde leans over to the guy and says, "Let's have this last drink at my apartment."

Taken back by her request, and trembling, the guy finally utters the word, "OK."

They get up from the bar stool arm and arm headed for the door, when the blonde stops him and says, "Before we go back to my apartment there's one thing I have to tell you, I'm on my menstrual cycle."

He says, "That's ok, I'll follow you in my Honda."