After 25 years

Eileen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!

Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.

Irish Sausages

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '
They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.

Irish Lover

Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini-van when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!" Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy. About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.  The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"  Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy [let alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her] eventually admits that, yes, she did. Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen"...

Sunbathing

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.  For the sake of civility, and to keep it from gettin sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts. 

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you ' d lift your hat."  

He raised an eyebrow and replied,  "If you weren’t ' so ugly it would lift itself 

Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs

The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning.

As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores.

As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine.

One day as she arrived at the mine with the  lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in.

Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.

'Hello...Hello!' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear me? Hello!'

For a long while, there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, 'Hello! Is anyone down there?'

Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine, singing; 'Vote for GORDON BROWN, vote for GORDON BROWN

Snow White fell to her knees and prayed, 'Oh,thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive.

Phamacist

A respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide ? '

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

Updated Hit Records

Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include:
Bobby Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
Ringo Starr --- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends. 
The Bee Gees -- - How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
Johnny Nash --- I Can't See Clearly Now.
Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver 
The Commodores ---Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
Marvin Gaye --- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.
Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
The Temptations --- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
Abba--- Denture Queen.
Tony Orlando --- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To
Willie Nelson --- On the Commode Again

Old Scotsman

A little old Scotsman is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for £100?"
"Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for £1,000 ?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
So the little old Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again; "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for £10,000 ?"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, £10,000; Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"
"Nah", says the little old Scotsman... "Costs too much"

Econimics made Interesting

20 Economic Models explained with Cows
1. SOCIALISM
You have two cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
2. COMMUNISM
You have two cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
3. FASCISM
You have two cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
4. NAZISM
You have two cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
5. BUREAUCRATISM
You have two cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.
6. TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
7. SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
8. AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
9. ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.
10. A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
11. A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.
12. A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
13. AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
14. A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
15. A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
16. A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
17. A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad
18. AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the heck out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy.
19. INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
20.  WELSH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

Pay Your Dues

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts.
Malcolm the Dragon Slayer was obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Malcolm revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Malcolm to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Malcolm readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's  brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and  Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch; and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Malcolm would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Malcolm. Horatio then slipped Malcolm the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Malcolm worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Malcolm left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Malcolm found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.
With his obsession now satisfied, Malcolm couldn't have cared less; and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh told him to go away, off! The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.
The King immediately summoned Malcolm.
The moral of the story :- Pay your dues.

Medical Research

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is pre-menstrual or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his forehead while he is on fire. No further studies are expected. 

Anniversary

A couple are celebrating their 20^th anniversary in bed.

As she strips off the wife says “What did you think when you took my clothes off 20 years ago?”

He says “Well I thought I wanted to shag your brains out and suck your tits dry.”

She says “What are you thinking now?”

He says “I’m thinking it looks like I did a pretty good job.”

An Irish Blonde in a Casino

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice....

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, darlin', Mama is needin' new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The others answered,

'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, but all men...are men.

Making a Baby

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long……Hello…..Hello, - Mrs Smith. Oh my God she’s fainted.'

Sister Mary

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of a parochial school in a very advanced state of agitation.
"Father!" she cried, "just wait until you hear this!"
The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, "Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?"
"Well, Father" the nun began, "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!"
"A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.
"But that's not what has me so shocked, Father," replied the nun, "it was what they were wagering on! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!"
"What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest, "What did you do?"
"Well, I hit the roof, father."
To which the priest replied.... "Really! How much did you win?" 

How Men Survive Shopping

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping. This letter was sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford :
 
Dear Mrs. Murray, 
While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.  Below is a list of offences over the past few months, all verified by our surveillance cameras:
June 15: Took 24 boxes of co*doms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares..... and watched what happened.
August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.
September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it. 

November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible' theme.
December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.
December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'
December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'
And; last, but not least:

December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'!

Dishes

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.' 'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and makes love to her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, 'Hey, no problem, I'll do the f..kin' dishes!'

The Wedding Night

Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, So they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think!  Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom,  'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'
He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think.. I may have gave him my airplane glue.'

Nine Words Women Use

(1)  Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. 

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Camping with your Mates

Mick attended his 4 wheel drive clubs monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn't make the upcoming annual Innamincka trip because his missus wouldn't let him go. 

After copping the under the thumb remarks and other derisive remarks Mick left to go back home to the missus. Later when Mick's mates started arriving to set up camp at Innamincka common the following week, who should be there but Mick sitting up in front of the Cooper, swag rolled out , fishing  rod in hand, and the camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of Coolabah coals.

"Geez how did ya talk ya missus into letting you come here Mick?"  they asked.

"I didn't have to", was Mick's reply, "When I left the meeting last week I went home disappointed and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows.  Suddenly the missus snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'."

"When I peeled her hands back there she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do what ever you want."          

SO HERE I AM

Morning Sex

She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her 'T' shirt still around her neck.
A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

Old Timer Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.' 
Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'
OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?' Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

Little Joseph

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is £280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Joseph told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a £280,000 mortgage and no bike!

Sanity

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays soundmindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

Oldie

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place...

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says. 

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. 

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. 

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . ...............You just happened to catch my eye.'

25 pounds

A Scottish rugby fan is drinking in a London bar, when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Scottish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, 'That's about average in Scotland ... like I said, my boy's a typical Scots baby boy. Goanna be a rugby player.'   
Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of 'WOW!' One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, 'Say, aren't you the father of that typical Scots baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth?
Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?' The proud father answers, 'Twenty pounds.'
The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. 'What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!'
The Scotsman takes a slow swig of his MacEwans wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,   'Had him circumcised...'

The Management

Dear Employees,
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle. 

Sincerely,

The Management

A Week at the Gym

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
  
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally mad e it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a Nissan in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me.
Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
_________ _ _____________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!