When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."
Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to be the head of your household. You have been disobedient and not fulfilled your purpose. I told you to be the spiritual leader in your family. Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him. Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Mooooo
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of their first stops was the breeding bull exhibit. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "See ...He mated 50 times last year ... once-a-week."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year."
The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, that's once-a-DAY. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."
NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical tostable and the doctors say after months of rehab and a couple more operations he will be OK.
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "See ...He mated 50 times last year ... once-a-week."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year."
The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, that's once-a-DAY. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."
NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical tostable and the doctors say after months of rehab and a couple more operations he will be OK.
Saturday, April 01, 2006
Irish Medical Dictionary
Artery......................... The study of paintings
Bacteria...................... Back door to cafeteria
Barium....................... What doctors do when patients die
Benign....................... What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section....... A neighbourhood in Rome
Catscan...................... Searching for Kitty
Cauterize.................... Made eye contact with her
Colic.......................... A sheep dog
Coma......................... A punctuation mark
Dilate........................ To live long
Enema........................ Not a friend
Fester........................ Quicker than someone else
Fibula......................... A small lie
Impotent.................... Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain................. Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff............... A Doctor's cane
Morbid........................ A higher offer
Nitrates...................... Cheaper than day rates
Node.......................... I knew it
Outpatient.................. A person who has fainted
Pelvis......................... Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative............ A letter carrier
Recovery Room............ Place to do upholstery
Rectum....................... Nearly killed him
Secretion.................... Hiding something
Seizure....................... Roman emperor
Tablet........................ A small table
Terminal Illness........... Getting sick at the airport
Tumour........................One plus one more
Urine.......................... Opposite of you're out
Bacteria...................... Back door to cafeteria
Barium....................... What doctors do when patients die
Benign....................... What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section....... A neighbourhood in Rome
Catscan...................... Searching for Kitty
Cauterize.................... Made eye contact with her
Colic.......................... A sheep dog
Coma......................... A punctuation mark
Dilate........................ To live long
Enema........................ Not a friend
Fester........................ Quicker than someone else
Fibula......................... A small lie
Impotent.................... Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain................. Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff............... A Doctor's cane
Morbid........................ A higher offer
Nitrates...................... Cheaper than day rates
Node.......................... I knew it
Outpatient.................. A person who has fainted
Pelvis......................... Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative............ A letter carrier
Recovery Room............ Place to do upholstery
Rectum....................... Nearly killed him
Secretion.................... Hiding something
Seizure....................... Roman emperor
Tablet........................ A small table
Terminal Illness........... Getting sick at the airport
Tumour........................One plus one more
Urine.......................... Opposite of you're out
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes
1) That's not right .................................. Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?................. Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP...................................... Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man ........................................ Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse ....................................... Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach? ..................... WaiYu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table ........ Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift ................... Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here ........................... Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet .......... Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone ..................... No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ..Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight ........................... Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile ............... Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive ................. Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great ............................................... Fa Kin Su Pah
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?................. Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP...................................... Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man ........................................ Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse ....................................... Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach? ..................... WaiYu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table ........ Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift ................... Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here ........................... Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet .......... Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone ..................... No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ..Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight ........................... Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile ............... Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive ................. Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great ............................................... Fa Kin Su Pah
Call Centre Conversations
Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?"
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?"
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre"
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?"
Operator: "Doesn't the product give you a clue?"
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France): "If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland".
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".
Tech Support: "I need you to rightclick on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a popup menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. RightClick again. Do you see a popup menu?"
Customer: "No"
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?"
This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a seaprompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power............ A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!!!"
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?"
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre"
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?"
Operator: "Doesn't the product give you a clue?"
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France): "If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland".
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".
Tech Support: "I need you to rightclick on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a popup menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. RightClick again. Do you see a popup menu?"
Customer: "No"
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?"
This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a seaprompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power............ A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!!!"
Salesman
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Sod off!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration". And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse sh!t all over her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse sh!t from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Sod off!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration". And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse sh!t all over her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse sh!t from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."
Dustman
A Chinese dustman notices a bin is not placed out for collection and knocks on the door to find out why. A stunning woman opens the door covered in a great shimmering tan." Where you bin,” demands the little fella."
Oh I went to Barbados on a 2 week 5 star cruise " she replies, proud as punch. The bin man looks confused and says " no, where you wheely bin?” At this the girl frowns and snaps " Ok, on a effing sun bed! " and slams the door shut
Oh I went to Barbados on a 2 week 5 star cruise " she replies, proud as punch. The bin man looks confused and says " no, where you wheely bin?” At this the girl frowns and snaps " Ok, on a effing sun bed! " and slams the door shut
Brokeback Mountain
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other was a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than a drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You've done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and still no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace, with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my stockings." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by the boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was directed and dropped it to the floor. "Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and slipped them off. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other was a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than a drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You've done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and still no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace, with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my stockings." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by the boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was directed and dropped it to the floor. "Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and slipped them off. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
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