Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.
So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my bawls in your left hand and ma wullie in your right hand". Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "alright chuck".
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to....... "I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun". Cilla complies with the routine.
The results are absolutely mind blowing. Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer dat much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser , the bitch stole ma wallet !".
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Old Age!
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!"
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old.
"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!"
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old.
"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00!"
Sunday, November 27, 2005
African News Reports
*The following are actual news excerpts from the African press in South
Africa, Swaziland, Kenya and Zimbabwe.*
1. The Cape Times (Cape Town, RSA):
"I have promised to keep his identity confidential," said Jack Maxim, a spokesperson for the Sandton Sun Hotel, Johannesburg, "but I can confirm that he is no longer in our employment. We asked him to clean the lifts and he spent four days on the job. When I asked him why, he replied: 'Well, there are forty of them, two on each floor, and sometimes some of them aren't there.'
"Eventually, we realized that he thought each floor had a different lift, and he'd cleaned the same two lifts twenty times each. We had to let him go. It seemed best all round. I understand he is now working for GE Lighting."
2. The Star (Johannesburg):
"The situation is absolutely under control," Transport Minister Ephraem Magagula told the Swaziland parliament in Mbabane. "Our nation's merchant navy is perfectly safe. We just don't know where it is, that's all."
Replying to an MP's question, Minister Magagula admitted that the landlocked country had completely lost track of its only ship, the Swazimar. "We believe it is in a sea somewhere. At one time, we sent a team of men to look for it, but there was a problem with drink and they failed to find it, and so, technically, yes, we've lost it a bit. But I categorically reject all suggestions of incompetence on the part of this government. The Swazimar is a big ship painted in the sort of nice bright colours you can see at night. Mark my words, it will turn up. The right
honourable gentleman opposite is a very naughty man, and he will laugh on
the other side of his face when my ship comes in."
3. The Standard (Kenya):
"What is all the fuss about?" Weseka Sambu asked a hastily convened news conference at Jomo Kenyatta International Airport. "A technical hitch like this could have happened anywhere in the world. You people are not patriots. You just want to cause trouble."
Mr Sambu, a spokesman for Kenya Airways, was speaking after the cancellation of a through flight from Kisumu, via Jomo Kenyatta, to Berlin: "The forty-two passengers had boarded the plane ready for take-off when the pilot noticed one of the tyres was flat," he said. "Kenya Airways did not possess a spare tyre, and unfortunately the airport nitrogen canister was empty. A passenger suggested taking the tyre to a petrol station for inflation, but unluckily the jack had gone missing so we couldn't get the wheel off. Our engineers tried heroically to reinflate the tyre with a bicycle pump, but had no luck, and the pilot even blew into the valve with his mouth, but he passed out. "When I announced that the flight had to be abandoned, one of the passengers, Mr Mutu, suddenly struck me about the face with a life-jacket whistle and said we were a national disgrace. I told him he was being ridiculous, and that there was to be another flight in a fortnight. And, in the meantime, he would be able to enjoy the scenery around Kisumu, albeit at his own expense."
4. From a Zimbabwean newspaper:
While transporting mental patients from Harare to Bulawayo, the bus driver stopped at a roadside shebeen (beerhall) for a few beers. When he got back to his vehicle, he found it empty, with the 20 patients nowhere to be seen.
Realizing the trouble he would be in if the truth were uncovered, he halted his bus at the next bus stop and offered lifts to those in the queue. Letting 20 people board, he then shut the doors and drove straight to the Bulawayo mental hospital, where he hastily handed over his 'charges', warning the nurses that they were particularly excitable.
Staff removed the furious passengers; it was three days later that suspicions were aroused by the consistency of the stories from the 20. Nothing more has been heard of the real patients and they have apparently blended comfortably back into Zimbabwean society.
Africa, Swaziland, Kenya and Zimbabwe.*
1. The Cape Times (Cape Town, RSA):
"I have promised to keep his identity confidential," said Jack Maxim, a spokesperson for the Sandton Sun Hotel, Johannesburg, "but I can confirm that he is no longer in our employment. We asked him to clean the lifts and he spent four days on the job. When I asked him why, he replied: 'Well, there are forty of them, two on each floor, and sometimes some of them aren't there.'
"Eventually, we realized that he thought each floor had a different lift, and he'd cleaned the same two lifts twenty times each. We had to let him go. It seemed best all round. I understand he is now working for GE Lighting."
2. The Star (Johannesburg):
"The situation is absolutely under control," Transport Minister Ephraem Magagula told the Swaziland parliament in Mbabane. "Our nation's merchant navy is perfectly safe. We just don't know where it is, that's all."
Replying to an MP's question, Minister Magagula admitted that the landlocked country had completely lost track of its only ship, the Swazimar. "We believe it is in a sea somewhere. At one time, we sent a team of men to look for it, but there was a problem with drink and they failed to find it, and so, technically, yes, we've lost it a bit. But I categorically reject all suggestions of incompetence on the part of this government. The Swazimar is a big ship painted in the sort of nice bright colours you can see at night. Mark my words, it will turn up. The right
honourable gentleman opposite is a very naughty man, and he will laugh on
the other side of his face when my ship comes in."
3. The Standard (Kenya):
"What is all the fuss about?" Weseka Sambu asked a hastily convened news conference at Jomo Kenyatta International Airport. "A technical hitch like this could have happened anywhere in the world. You people are not patriots. You just want to cause trouble."
Mr Sambu, a spokesman for Kenya Airways, was speaking after the cancellation of a through flight from Kisumu, via Jomo Kenyatta, to Berlin: "The forty-two passengers had boarded the plane ready for take-off when the pilot noticed one of the tyres was flat," he said. "Kenya Airways did not possess a spare tyre, and unfortunately the airport nitrogen canister was empty. A passenger suggested taking the tyre to a petrol station for inflation, but unluckily the jack had gone missing so we couldn't get the wheel off. Our engineers tried heroically to reinflate the tyre with a bicycle pump, but had no luck, and the pilot even blew into the valve with his mouth, but he passed out. "When I announced that the flight had to be abandoned, one of the passengers, Mr Mutu, suddenly struck me about the face with a life-jacket whistle and said we were a national disgrace. I told him he was being ridiculous, and that there was to be another flight in a fortnight. And, in the meantime, he would be able to enjoy the scenery around Kisumu, albeit at his own expense."
4. From a Zimbabwean newspaper:
While transporting mental patients from Harare to Bulawayo, the bus driver stopped at a roadside shebeen (beerhall) for a few beers. When he got back to his vehicle, he found it empty, with the 20 patients nowhere to be seen.
Realizing the trouble he would be in if the truth were uncovered, he halted his bus at the next bus stop and offered lifts to those in the queue. Letting 20 people board, he then shut the doors and drove straight to the Bulawayo mental hospital, where he hastily handed over his 'charges', warning the nurses that they were particularly excitable.
Staff removed the furious passengers; it was three days later that suspicions were aroused by the consistency of the stories from the 20. Nothing more has been heard of the real patients and they have apparently blended comfortably back into Zimbabwean society.
Teachers Advice
Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit.
"Nina's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:
"Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother."
"Nina's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:
"Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother."
Dinner
Two cannibals are munchin on a clown. one looks at the other and says,
"Yo, does this thing taste funny to you?"
"Yo, does this thing taste funny to you?"
World's Shortest Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
The girl said, "NO!"
And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting andplayed golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.
THE END
The girl said, "NO!"
And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting andplayed golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.
THE END
Saturday, November 19, 2005
Chicken Surprise
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises,and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies,"Chicken Surprise.
"Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises,and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies,"Chicken Surprise.
"Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"
Seeing Valerie
The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged £1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out the money in cash, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row --too expensive-- and there were no discounts. The price was still £1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, "Exeter "
"Really" she said. "I have family in Exeter"
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your £3,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that there are three things in life that are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged £1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out the money in cash, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row --too expensive-- and there were no discounts. The price was still £1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, "Exeter "
"Really" she said. "I have family in Exeter"
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your £3,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that there are three things in life that are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
Unwise
A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes from zero to 200 in 6 seconds flat".
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway.She opened it and found a brand new set of bathroom scales.
He could be out the spare bedroom by the new year.
His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes from zero to 200 in 6 seconds flat".
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway.She opened it and found a brand new set of bathroom scales.
He could be out the spare bedroom by the new year.
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Phone Call
Phone Call ((((RING)))) **Pick Up**
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul "
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul"
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"
Brief Pause - "Uh, okay then, ..this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door,and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"
"Okay Daddy, just a minute" - A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy"
"And what happened honey?" he asked
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul ?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause**
Then Daddy says,"Swimming pool?... we don't have........??...
Is this 486-5731?"
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul "
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul"
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"
Brief Pause - "Uh, okay then, ..this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door,and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"
"Okay Daddy, just a minute" - A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy"
"And what happened honey?" he asked
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul ?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause**
Then Daddy says,"Swimming pool?... we don't have........??...
Is this 486-5731?"
Monday, November 14, 2005
The Three Bears
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in her little chair at the table.
She looks into her little bowl. It's empty.
"Who's been eating my porridge?!!" she squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and his is also empty.
"Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells...
"For goodness sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you? It was Mummy Bear who got up first, it was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Mummy Bear who made the coffee, it was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Mummy Bear who set the damn table, it was Mummy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dishes, and now that you've decided to drag yourselves downstairs and grace Mummy Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, coz I'm only going to say this one more time...
I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!!"
She looks into her little bowl. It's empty.
"Who's been eating my porridge?!!" she squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and his is also empty.
"Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells...
"For goodness sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you? It was Mummy Bear who got up first, it was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Mummy Bear who made the coffee, it was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Mummy Bear who set the damn table, it was Mummy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dishes, and now that you've decided to drag yourselves downstairs and grace Mummy Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, coz I'm only going to say this one more time...
I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!!"
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Another Blonde Joke
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started".
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when its finished? "
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the
table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, looks at the box then turns to her and
says: - "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger,"
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax, let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "let's put all the Frosties back in the box."
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started".
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when its finished? "
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the
table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, looks at the box then turns to her and
says: - "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger,"
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax, let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "let's put all the Frosties back in the box."
Zoo (2)
A man goes to a zoo but when he arrives there's only a dog............................ It was a shitzu
Man & Ostrich
A man walks into a restaurant with a full grown ostrich with him.
As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours? " I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. That will be £4.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger,fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be £8.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours? " I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. That will be £4.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger,fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be £8.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
The Perfect Husband
Several men are in the changing room of a golf club.
A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes garage and saw the new models. I
saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing.... The house we wanted last year
is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes garage and saw the new models. I
saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing.... The house we wanted last year
is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
Tiger
A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Cruise
The diary of a lady on a cruise.
DAY ONE
I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited.
DAY TWO
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful, and we saw some whales and dolphins. This is turning out to be the wonderful holiday I expected. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.
DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honoured and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.
DAY FOUR
Went to the ship's casino and won about £80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his stateroom. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.
DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to spend the night with him, and again I declined. He told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship. I was appalled.
DAY SIX
I saved 1,600 lives today, twice.
DAY ONE
I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited.
DAY TWO
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful, and we saw some whales and dolphins. This is turning out to be the wonderful holiday I expected. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.
DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honoured and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.
DAY FOUR
Went to the ship's casino and won about £80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his stateroom. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.
DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to spend the night with him, and again I declined. He told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship. I was appalled.
DAY SIX
I saved 1,600 lives today, twice.
Sunday, November 06, 2005
Tech Support
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have
Female customer: A white one
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No . wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
===============
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, dammit!
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
===============
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah.thank you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
===============
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
===============
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
Female customer: A white one
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No . wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
===============
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, dammit!
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
===============
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah.thank you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
===============
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
===============
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
Cow Joke
One cow to another cow.
I was artificially inseminated this morning.
Second cow.
I don't believe you.
First cow
It's true, straight up, no bull.
I was artificially inseminated this morning.
Second cow.
I don't believe you.
First cow
It's true, straight up, no bull.
Newly Weds
A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a v1rgin. Truth be told, he is not too experienced either.
On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring," he says, "I know dis yo firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his v1rgin bride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want to try somethin I have hear about .. numbaa 69."
More thoughtful silence, this time from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries... "You want... Chicken wiff Broccori?
On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring," he says, "I know dis yo firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his v1rgin bride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want to try somethin I have hear about .. numbaa 69."
More thoughtful silence, this time from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries... "You want... Chicken wiff Broccori?
Innocence
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said,"My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask???
The daughter replies, they make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?
The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said,"My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask???
The daughter replies, they make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?
Thursday, November 03, 2005
Learn a New Word Each Day!
Arbitrator (ar'-bi-tray-ter): A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Avoidable (uh-voy'-duh-buhl): What a bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney (buh-lo'-nee): Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette (burn'-a-det): The act of torching a mortgage.
Burglarize (bur'-gler-ize): What a crook sees with.
Control (kon-trol'): A short, ugly inmate.
Counterfeiters (kown-ter-fit-ers): Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Eclipse (i-klips'): what an English barber does for a living.
Eyedropper (i'-drop-ur): a clumsy ophthalmologist.
Heroes (hee'-rhos): what a guy in a boat does.
Left Bank (left' bangk'): what the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
Misty (mis'-tee): How golfers create divots.
Paradox (par'-u-doks): two physicians.
Parasites (par'-uh-sites): what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist (farm'-uh-sist): a helper on the farm.
Polarize (po'-lur-ize): what penguins see with.
Primate (pri'-ma)t: removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
Relief (ree-leef'): what trees do in the spring.
Rubberneck (rub'-er-nek): what you do to relax your wife.
Seamstress (seem'-stres): describes 200 pounds in a size two.
Selfish sel'-fish: what the owner of a seafood store does.
Subdued (sub-dood'): a guy, that works on one of those submarines.
Sudafed (sood'-a-fed): bringing litigation against a government official
Avoidable (uh-voy'-duh-buhl): What a bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney (buh-lo'-nee): Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette (burn'-a-det): The act of torching a mortgage.
Burglarize (bur'-gler-ize): What a crook sees with.
Control (kon-trol'): A short, ugly inmate.
Counterfeiters (kown-ter-fit-ers): Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Eclipse (i-klips'): what an English barber does for a living.
Eyedropper (i'-drop-ur): a clumsy ophthalmologist.
Heroes (hee'-rhos): what a guy in a boat does.
Left Bank (left' bangk'): what the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
Misty (mis'-tee): How golfers create divots.
Paradox (par'-u-doks): two physicians.
Parasites (par'-uh-sites): what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist (farm'-uh-sist): a helper on the farm.
Polarize (po'-lur-ize): what penguins see with.
Primate (pri'-ma)t: removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
Relief (ree-leef'): what trees do in the spring.
Rubberneck (rub'-er-nek): what you do to relax your wife.
Seamstress (seem'-stres): describes 200 pounds in a size two.
Selfish sel'-fish: what the owner of a seafood store does.
Subdued (sub-dood'): a guy, that works on one of those submarines.
Sudafed (sood'-a-fed): bringing litigation against a government official
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Duck Hunting
A big city lawyer went duck hunting. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own. The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in the country. We settle small disagreements like this with the Hoosier "Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Hoosier' Three Kick Rule'?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get onto feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you! old coot. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own. The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in the country. We settle small disagreements like this with the Hoosier "Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Hoosier' Three Kick Rule'?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get onto feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you! old coot. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
Brazillians
President Bush's morning security briefing is wrapping up. Donald Rumsfeld is concluding his part and says, " Finally, three Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday near Baghdad . "
" OH MY GOD! " shrieks Bush, and he buries his head in his hands for a seemingly interminable 30 seconds.
Stunned at the unexpecteddisplay of emotion, the president's staff sit speechless, not sure how to react. Finally, Bush looks up and asks Rumsfeld,
" How many is a brazillion? "
" OH MY GOD! " shrieks Bush, and he buries his head in his hands for a seemingly interminable 30 seconds.
Stunned at the unexpecteddisplay of emotion, the president's staff sit speechless, not sure how to react. Finally, Bush looks up and asks Rumsfeld,
" How many is a brazillion? "
A Christmas Tale
A Christmas tale to warm your hearts...
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day just before Christmas, a letter landed on his desk, simply addressed in shaky handwriting to "God". With no other clue on the envelope, he opened the letter and read, "Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on the State pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had in the world and no pension due until after Christmas. Next week is Christmas and I had invited two of my friends over for Xmas dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. God; can you please help me?"
The postal worker was really touched, and put a copy of the letter up on the Staff Notice board, at the main sorting office where he worked.The letter touched the other postmen and they all dug into their pockets and had a whip round. Between them they raised £96. Using an official franked Post Office envelope, they sent the cash on to the old lady, and for the rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter simply addressed to "God" landed in the Sorting Office. Many of the postmen gathered around while the letter was opened.It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your generosity, I was able to provide a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift - in fact we haven't gotten over it and our Vicar is beside himself with joy. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bast*rds at the Post Office.
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day just before Christmas, a letter landed on his desk, simply addressed in shaky handwriting to "God". With no other clue on the envelope, he opened the letter and read, "Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on the State pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had in the world and no pension due until after Christmas. Next week is Christmas and I had invited two of my friends over for Xmas dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. God; can you please help me?"
The postal worker was really touched, and put a copy of the letter up on the Staff Notice board, at the main sorting office where he worked.The letter touched the other postmen and they all dug into their pockets and had a whip round. Between them they raised £96. Using an official franked Post Office envelope, they sent the cash on to the old lady, and for the rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter simply addressed to "God" landed in the Sorting Office. Many of the postmen gathered around while the letter was opened.It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your generosity, I was able to provide a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift - in fact we haven't gotten over it and our Vicar is beside himself with joy. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bast*rds at the Post Office.
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