Atheist in the Woods

An atheist was walking through the woods.
"What majestic trees"!
"What powerful rivers"!
"What beautiful animals"! he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian"?
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

Insurance Claim

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.
The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and all I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything and I'm using some of the insurance money for this trip."
"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked confused... "How do you start a flood?"

Faith

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptised and didn't go to Sunday School. So they went to the nearest church. But, only the janitor was there. One little boy said, "We need to be baptised because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptise us?"
"Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "You are now baptised!".
When they got outside, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?"
The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you. We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water. and we're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you."
The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water!"
They all joined in asking, "Yeah! What do You think that means?"
"I think it means we're Pisscopailians!"

Airline Service

A Muslim was seated next to an Australian on a flight from London to Melbourne, Australia
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Aussie asked for a rum and coke, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Aussie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

Drunk Wisdom?

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g pack of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selection that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?'
The drunk replied, 'Cos you're ugly.'

Welfare

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, 'Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'
The social worker behind the counter said, 'Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2007 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.
A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. Located above the garage will be designated for your sole use and the
Salary is $200,000 a year.' The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, ' You're bull-shittin' me !'
The social worker said, 'Yea, well... You started it.'

Maths

A husband wrote a letter and left it for his wife to find. The letter read:

To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your 54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed - I shall be back home before midnight.

When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael my tennis coach, who, like your secretary, is also 18 years old.
As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of Maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference. 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow!!!

Football in Heaven

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played minor league football together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there." Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him,"Mike--Mike."
"Who is it?, asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?
"You're playing Tuesday."

Height Chart

Dog for Sale

A bloke is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back garden. The guy goes round the back and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told MI6 about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running." "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters & listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten Quid," the guy says.
"Ten Quid? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a bloody liar. He never did any of that stuff "

Lipstick

According to a news report, a certain private school in UK recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then, there are educators.

Tummy Trouble

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mum on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The parents stop an his mum quickly dismounts, pulling the covers aound her.
"What were you and dad doing?" the boy asks his mum.
"Well, your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it," she explains.
"Your wasting your time," says the boy.
"When you go shopping the lady next door gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

A Toast to the Wife

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Besttoast of the night"
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the othernight at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

My First Time...

It was my first time ever
And I'll never forget
I'd do it again
Without a single regret.
The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were all alone
Just she and I.
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do.
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came.
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow...

Metric

If God wanted us to go METRIC Jesus would've had 10 disciples not 12

Headlines

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband devised a scheme to solve both problems. He decided to take out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arrange to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious darkside underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie told the husband that the going price for snuffing out a spouse was £5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet to display a single pound coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the pound coin as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Asda store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie the entire proceeding was recorded by a hidden surveillance camera and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie finally revealed the whole sordid plan.
The hapless husband was quicklyarrested, and the most unusual financial arrangement was declared in bold headlines in the next morning's newspaper.
ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT ASDA'S

Miss Beatrice, the church organist

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"

The Week

Just how badly do you want a beer???

Scottish...ish

What do you call a dwarf that falls into a cement mixer? A wee hard man

What do you call a man who takes a small size in a shoe ? Wee Shooey.

What do you call a man who takes a small size in a shoe and can't find his dog ? Wee Shooey Douglas.

A guy walks into a GP's surgery. "Doctor , Doctor! He cries , "you've got to help me, I feel like I'm turning into coconut" Says the doctor, "You're bountae "

There were three coos in a field. Which wan wis oan its hoalidays ? The wan wi a wee calf.

What do you call an illegitimate insect ? A fly bastart.

What famous costume drama TV series of the 1970's was named after a queue for the toilet ? The Aw Needin Line.

Hear about the stupit skindiver? He didny have a scuba.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a social worker ? Ye can get yer bairn back aff a Rottweiler

What do you call a Glasgow Sikh who enjoys karaoke ? Gupty Singh

Two Glesga boys, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding. "Ach, it's all going magic," says Jock. "I've got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night... Archie nods approvingly. "Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock. "A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's grand, you'll look pure smart in that! "And what's the tartan?" Archie then enquires. "Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white..."

A wee Glesga woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed. "Breast fed," she replied. Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight. You don't have any milk !" I know," she said, "ah'm only his Granny, but noo I'm glad I came son!"

One day a Primary 1 teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said ' F****** hell! A talking pig! '

A wee woman from Glasgow's west-end was staying in a hotel in Edinburgh, she phoned room service for some pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge. "Toilet pepper!" yelled the woman

This bloke is sitting reading his Daily Record newspaper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan. Whit wis that fur?" he cries "That wis for the piece of paper in yir trooser pockets with the name Mary-Rose written oan it," said she. Don't be daft," he explains, "two weeks ago when I went to the races Mary-Rose wis the name of one o' the horses I bet on." She seems satisfied and apologises, and goes off to do work around the house. Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him again with the frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes around,he says, "whit the hell wis that fur?" "Your horse phoned!" she said

Perfectly Understood!

Esau Wood sawed wood.

Esau Wood would saw wood.

Oh the wood Wood would saw!

One day Esau Wood saw a wood-saw saw wood as no other wood-saw Wood ever saw would saw wood.

In fact, of all the wood-saws Wood ever saw saw wood, Wood never saw a wood-saw saw wood as the wood-saw Wood saw saw wood would saw wood.

Helpful!

In the Beginning

In the beginning, God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower, spinach, green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so that Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then, using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said, "You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, "Yes!" And Woman said, "I'll have one too with chocolate chips".
And lo, they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthy yogurt, so that woman might keep the figure That man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad". And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them". And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and T-bone steak, so big it needed its own platter, and Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats, adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.
God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan came forth with cable TV with a remote control, so that Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.
Then God gave lean beef, so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes, and super size 'em too". And Satan said, "It is good." And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed ......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery. And then Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.

A Little Perspective

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." --Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." --Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." --Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." --Lynn Lavner

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist." --Matt Barry

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." --George Burns

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." --George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." --Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading." --Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." --Jack Nicholson

" Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." --Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." --Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." --Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." --Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" --Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." --Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." --Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." --Robin Williams

The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

Good : Your wife is pregnant.
Bad : It's triplets.
Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good : Your wife's not talking to you
Bad : She wants a divorce.
Ugly : She's a lawyer.

Good : Your son is finally maturing.
Bad : He's involved with the women next door.
Ugly : So are you.

Good : Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad : You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly : You're in them.

Good : Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad : You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly : Your daughter borrowed them.

Good : Your husband understands fashion.
Bad : He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly : He looks better than you.

Good : You just gave "the birds and the bees" talk to your daughter
Bad : She keeps interrupting.
Ugly : With corrections

Good : Your son is dating someone new.
Bad : It's another man.
Ugly : He's your best friend.

Good : Your daughter got a new job.
Bad : As a hooker.
Ugly : Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way Ugly : She makes more money than you do.

Three Smiles

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls in the police to tell them what has happened.

First body: "Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky.
Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one: Seamus O'Reilly from Donegal, 30, struck by lightning. " Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. Thought he was having his photo taken."

6 Smart Arsed Answers

SMART ARSED ANSWER 6

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
"What are my choices?" the man asked. "Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ARSED ANSWER 5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without blinking an eyelid she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."


SMART ARSED ANSWER 4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a passing assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?
" The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."

SMART ARSED ANSWER 3

The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for speeding,rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the bobby said.
The kid replied, "Yes, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ARSED ANSWER 2

A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck, eh?
The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!"

SMART ARSED ANSWER 1

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. "Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well I suppose you'd need to do the exam with your other hand!"

Snow in Dublin

The Party

A couple were invited to a swanky masked fancy dress Halloween Party.The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no needfor his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind ofexplanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have agood time when you're not there."Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."
"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."

Year's Best (Actual) Headlines Of 2007

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
And the winner is....Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Irish Clinic

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.
"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".
"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: " So,Murphy, how was your day?"
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.
"The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."
"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"
"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."