The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a talent for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.
Friday, January 12, 2007
Friday, January 05, 2007
Baby Photographer
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?" "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat" After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um..equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.
"Mrs. Smith fainted!!!
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?" "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat" After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um..equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.
"Mrs. Smith fainted!!!
Diary of a Snow Shoveler
December 8 6:00 PM It started to snow. The first
snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails
and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft
flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma
Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again.
I love snow!
December 9 We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal
white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a
fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the
whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had!
Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again.
I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon
the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks
and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What
a perfect life!
December 12 The sun has melted all our lovely snow.
Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry;
we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on
Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much
snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow
again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man,
I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14 Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night.
The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything
sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed
up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the
life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried
everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite
this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this
way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and
bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car
and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants
a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's
silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16 Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass
on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell.
The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17 Still way below freezing. Roads are too
icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had
to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but
stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've
bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate
it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in
my own living room.
December 20 Electricity's back on, but had another 14
inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took
all day. The damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find
a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy
playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only
hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower
and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I
think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city
will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22 Bob was right about a white Christmas
because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and
it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me
45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and
then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed
and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to
hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the
winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is
lying.
December 23 Only 2 inches of snow today. And it
warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the
front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!!
Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She
says she did but I think she's lying.
December 24 6 inches - Snow packed so hard by
snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having
a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who
drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow
by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel.
I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to
finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at
100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've
just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas
carols with her and open our presents, but I was too
busy watching for the damn snowplow.
December 25 Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more
inches of the damn slop tonight - Snowed in. The idea
of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the
snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a
donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel.
The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a
fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life"
one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26 Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever
move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on
my nerves.
December 27 Temperature dropped to -30 and the
pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for
him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28 Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed
in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
December 29 10 more inches. Bob says I have to
shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest
thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30 Roof caved in. I beat up the snow
plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars,
not only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to
shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went
home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.
December 31 I set fire to what's left of the house. No
more shoveling.
January 8 Feel so good. I just love those little white
pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails
and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft
flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma
Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again.
I love snow!
December 9 We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal
white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a
fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the
whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had!
Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again.
I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon
the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks
and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What
a perfect life!
December 12 The sun has melted all our lovely snow.
Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry;
we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on
Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much
snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow
again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man,
I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14 Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night.
The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything
sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed
up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the
life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried
everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite
this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this
way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and
bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car
and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants
a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's
silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16 Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass
on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell.
The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17 Still way below freezing. Roads are too
icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had
to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but
stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've
bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate
it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in
my own living room.
December 20 Electricity's back on, but had another 14
inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took
all day. The damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find
a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy
playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only
hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower
and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I
think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city
will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22 Bob was right about a white Christmas
because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and
it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me
45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and
then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed
and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to
hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the
winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is
lying.
December 23 Only 2 inches of snow today. And it
warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the
front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!!
Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She
says she did but I think she's lying.
December 24 6 inches - Snow packed so hard by
snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having
a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who
drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow
by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel.
I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to
finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at
100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've
just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas
carols with her and open our presents, but I was too
busy watching for the damn snowplow.
December 25 Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more
inches of the damn slop tonight - Snowed in. The idea
of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the
snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a
donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel.
The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a
fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life"
one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26 Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever
move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on
my nerves.
December 27 Temperature dropped to -30 and the
pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for
him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28 Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed
in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
December 29 10 more inches. Bob says I have to
shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest
thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30 Roof caved in. I beat up the snow
plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars,
not only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to
shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went
home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.
December 31 I set fire to what's left of the house. No
more shoveling.
January 8 Feel so good. I just love those little white
pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
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