The Donkey & the Chicken

On the farm lived a chicken and a donkey, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the donkey fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the donkey 'hee hawed' for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran back to the farm.
Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-4 silver BMW.
Finding the keys in the ignition the chicken started the beautiful motor car and sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the donkey was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the donkey! Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.
A few weeks later, would you believe, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the donkey to save his life!
The donkey thought for a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip and the donkey pulled him up and out, saving his life.
And the moral of the story?
When you're hung like a donkey, you don't need a BMW to pull the chicks.

 

Promotion

A gas station in Arkansas was trying to increase its sales so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."
Soon a local "redneck" pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him pick a number from (1) to (10), if he guessed correctly, he would get his Free sex.
The buyer then guessed (8), the proprietor said, "You were close The number was (7). Sorry, no sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up, again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed (2) this time, again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Bubba replied, "No it ain't rigged Billy Ray -- my wife won twice last week

US Convention

A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! She took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he Blurted,out, "Business trip or Holiday?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States".
He swallowed hard... here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and quiet..... "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

Honesty

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

Chinese Proverbs

Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget

Three Nuns

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini".
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks.
"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says:
"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months. "

Loose Nuts

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Walmart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned a while later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead

Claude the Hypnotist

It was entertainment night at the senior centre and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced,
"Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put
into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Shit!" said the Hypnotist...
It took three days to clean up the senior centre.

Childrens Hour

A teddy bear got a job on a building site. Two days into the job, he went to see the foreman.
He said "Remember those tools we got issued on Monday. Well somebody's stolen my pick."
"Naturally" said the foreman. "It's Wednesday today isn't it?"
"What that got to do with it?" asked the teddy.
"Don't you know?" said the foreman. "Today's the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked."

Willie

An Irishman walks out of a pub, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches. "Can I help you lad?", asks the cop.
"Yesss, Sssshombody stol me car!", the Irishman replies.
The cop asks, "Well now, where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It was at the end of this key", he replies.
About this time the cop looks down to see that the Irishman's willie is being exhibited for all to see. He then asks, "Are you aware that you're exposing yourself?"
The Irishman looks down woefully and moans, "OHHH GOD... they got me girlfriend too!!"

10 Facts of Life

10 FACTS
10 - Life is sexually transmitted.
9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see one without an erection, make him a sandwich.
7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
6 - Some people are like a Slinky... Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
5 - Health freaks are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you 50 quid and a substantial tax cut saves you 50p?
2 - In the 60s, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and People take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006:
We know exactly where any untaxed car is located among the millions of Cars in Britain ......But we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal migrants and terrorists are located.

School

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything... Tutors, Mentors, flash cards, Special learning centers. In short, everything. They could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother Hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.
His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.
She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. "Well, then," she replied,
"Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?"
Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

New European Language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".
Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with"z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

Rabbit

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie"The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie.
The rabbit consumes them and leaves. The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman"
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year.
In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman", smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses.
The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties"
The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie"
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it"?
The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.The barman, with a roguish smile says, "Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it"
"Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie"The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves. NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, (3 of which were his) calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form floating above the bar. The barman says, "Who are you"To which he is answered, "I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house"
The barman says, "I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous"The rabbit says, "Yes I know"
The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead"
The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it"
The barman said "You never came back, after that fateful night, what happened"
"I DIED", said the Rabbit.
"Blimey " said the barman, "what from".
After a short pause, the rabbit said..." Mixing me toasties "

Thinker

One morning a husband returns to his lake cabin after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book, enjoying the peace and quiet.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think!

Blondes

A blind man walks into a bar, makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender. "Hey, You wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair that you should know five things.
Number One. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
Number Two. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
Number Three. I'm a six-foot-tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
Number Four. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
Number Five. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
She concludes by smugly asking, "Now think about it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Blonde Handyperson

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Smart Man!

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."
Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to be the head of your household. You have been disobedient and not fulfilled your purpose. I told you to be the spiritual leader in your family. Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him. Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

Mooooo

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of their first stops was the breeding bull exhibit. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "See ...He mated 50 times last year ... once-a-week."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year."
The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, that's once-a-DAY. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."
NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical tostable and the doctors say after months of rehab and a couple more operations he will be OK.

Irish Medical Dictionary

Artery......................... The study of paintings
Bacteria...................... Back door to cafeteria
Barium....................... What doctors do when patients die
Benign....................... What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section....... A neighbourhood in Rome
Catscan...................... Searching for Kitty
Cauterize.................... Made eye contact with her
Colic.......................... A sheep dog
Coma......................... A punctuation mark
Dilate........................ To live long
Enema........................ Not a friend
Fester........................ Quicker than someone else
Fibula......................... A small lie
Impotent.................... Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain................. Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff............... A Doctor's cane
Morbid........................ A higher offer
Nitrates...................... Cheaper than day rates
Node.......................... I knew it
Outpatient.................. A person who has fainted
Pelvis......................... Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative............ A letter carrier
Recovery Room............ Place to do upholstery
Rectum....................... Nearly killed him
Secretion.................... Hiding something
Seizure....................... Roman emperor
Tablet........................ A small table
Terminal Illness........... Getting sick at the airport
Tumour........................One plus one more
Urine.......................... Opposite of you're out

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes

1) That's not right .................................. Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?................. Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP...................................... Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man ........................................ Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse ....................................... Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach? ..................... WaiYu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table ........ Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift ................... Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here ........................... Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet .......... Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone ..................... No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ..Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight ........................... Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile ............... Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive ................. Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great ............................................... Fa Kin Su Pah

Call Centre Conversations

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?"
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?"
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre"
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".

RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?"
Operator: "Doesn't the product give you a clue?"

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France): "If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"

Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland".

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".

Tech Support: "I need you to rightclick on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a popup menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. RightClick again. Do you see a popup menu?"
Customer: "No"
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?"

This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a seaprompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power............ A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!!!"

Salesman

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Sod off!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration". And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse sh!t all over her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse sh!t from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

Dustman

A Chinese dustman notices a bin is not placed out for collection and knocks on the door to find out why. A stunning woman opens the door covered in a great shimmering tan." Where you bin,” demands the little fella."
Oh I went to Barbados on a 2 week 5 star cruise " she replies, proud as punch. The bin man looks confused and says " no, where you wheely bin?” At this the girl frowns and snaps " Ok, on a effing sun bed! " and slams the door shut

Brokeback Mountain

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other was a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than a drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You've done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and still no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace, with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my stockings." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by the boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was directed and dropped it to the floor. "Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and slipped them off. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

Since it's St Patricks Day

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, " Dat's dem. " The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. " Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere, " says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, " Dis looks like a grand place. " He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, " Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me! "

WAIT THERE'S MORE... Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other. “ Hi, Paddy. Watch dis, " Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says, " And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either! "

WAIT IT IS NOT OVER YET... Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. S ean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head. " Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgiejumping, den Seamus parrotshooting...and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!

Senior Moment

An elderly couple are enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?
We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you." "Yes," she says, again and we can do it for old time's sake. "Oooooooh, Henry, you old devil,that sounds like a good idea," she answers.
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this,having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's not any trouble." So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the Old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping around like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he's learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, "that was truly amazing - that old man was going like a train-I've got to ask him what his secret is."
As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else. You had sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

Bra Sizes

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? It is about time you became informed!
{A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!

They forgot the German bra. Holtzemfromfloppen!

Religious Bras

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from" Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied: There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...
The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.

One from Down Under

Mick, the Aussie rancher, walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache"
His wife, who is lying in bed, says:
"I think you will find that is a sheep"
His reply:
"I think you will find that I wasn't talking to you"

Three Bears

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...
Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eatin my powidge?" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!?" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots?
It was Mummy Bear who got up first.
It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.
It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.
It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.
It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants.
It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.
It was Mummy Bear who put the bloody cats out, cleaned the litter boxes, gave the cats their food, and refilled their water. And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once ...
I HAVEN'T MADE THE SODDING PORRIDGE YET!!!"

Three in a Sauna

Three women, two younger and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped.The others looked at her questioningly. "That was my pager," she said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, "that was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."The older woman felt very low tech; not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.
The woman finally said, "well, will you look at that...I'm getting a fax!!

The Loving Husband....

A man had two great tickets for the Football Cup final. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No", he says, "the seat is empty".
"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA cup final, the biggest sporting event in the year, and not use it?" He says, "well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been together since we got married".
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?" The man shakes his head... "No. They're all at the funeral".

The Average Englishman

The average Englishman in the home he calls his castle slips into his raincoat, patented by Chemist Charles Macintosh from Glasgow, Scotland.
En-route to his office he strides along the English lane, surfaced by John Macadam of Ayr, Scotland.
He drives an English car fitted with tyres invented by J. Thompson, Stonehaven, Scotland.
At the office he receives the mail bearing adhesive stamps invented by John Chalmers, Bookseller and Printer of Dundee, Scotland.
During the day he uses the telephone invented by Alexander Graham Bell, born in Edinburgh, Scotland.
At home in the evening his daughter pedals her bicycle invented by Kirkpatrick Macmillan, Blacksmith of Thornhill, Dumfriesshire, Scotland.
He watches the news on television, an invention of John Logie Baird of Helensburgh, Scotland, and hears an item about the U.S. Navy founded by John Paul Jones of Kirkbean, Scotland.
Nowhere can an Englishman turn to escape the ingenuity of the Scots. He has by now been reminded too much of Scotland and in desperation he picks up the Bible, only to find that the first man mentioned in the good book is a Scot, King James VI, who authorized its translation.
He could take to drink but the Scots make the best in the world.
He could take a rifle and end it all, but the breech-loading rifle was invented by Captain Patrick Ferguson of Pitfours, Scotland.
If he escaped death, he could find himself on an operating table injected with penicillin, discovered by Sir Alexander Fleming of Darvel, Scotland, and given chloroform, an anesthetic discovered by Sir James Young Simpson, Obstetrician and Gynecologist of Bathgate, Scotland.
Out of the anesthetic he would find no comfort in learning that he was as safe as the Bank of England founded by William Paterson of Dumfries, Scotland.

Husband & Wife Stores

The Husband Store
A store that sells NEW HUSBANDS has just opened in New York City, where awoman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are SIX floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking."Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework. "Oh my God!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband store.
A New Wives Store opened across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The rest of the six floors have never been visited.

Confession

A guy was kneeling down in church, making his confession.
The priest said "Are you new around here? I don't recognise your voice"
He said "I'm with the circus that's just arrived in town. I'm an acrobat."
"Oh", said the priest "I love circuses, especially the acrobats. Trouble is, with my job I don't get a chance to go there. I don't suppose there's any chance of you giving me a sneak preview of your act is there?"
"No problem" said the guy. So they walked out into the main church and the guy started doing his cartwheels, backflips and summersaults, up and down the aisles, watched by the delighted priest.
Two old ladies were sitting in the back row. One turned to the other and said "If that's the penance he's handing out this week, I'm going home to put some knickers on."

Bad Irish Joke

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....
"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
"Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears.
"This is amazing!"exclaims the Doctor.
"What doyou want me to do?"
"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.... Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
"Ah much was in dare den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash.
"£1,990 exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit,''says the Irishman
"I knew I wasn't feeling two grand..."

The Bathtub

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug."
Do you want a room with or without a view?

Cider

A little girl came running into the house bawling her eyes out and cradling her hand: " Mummy, quick! Get me a glass of cider! " she wailed.
" Why do you want a glass of cider? " asked her mum.
" I cut my hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away!" Confused, but weary of the child's whining, the mother obliged and poured her a glass of cider. The little girl immediately dunked her hand in it.
“ Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn't work! " she whined.
" What are you talking about? " asked her increasingly perplexed parent,“ Whatever made you think that cider would ease your pain? "
" Well, I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider "

Scottish Lonely Hearts

Who says romance is dead?

Real ads from the lonely-hearts column.

• Grossly overweight Buckie turf-cutter, 42 years old and 23 stone, Gemini, seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be willing to travel. Box 09/08
• Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered. Box06/03
• Heavy drinker, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in pints, fags, Celtic football club and starting scraps on Sauchiehall Street at three in the morning. Box 73/82.
• Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by longtime fiancée seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. Box 53/41
• Ginger-haired Partick troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more. Box 84/87
• Artistic Edinburgh woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach, writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes, seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey. Strong stomach essential Box 12/32
• Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions. References required. No timewasters. Box 23/45
• Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old b*****d living in a damp cottage in the arse and of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big chest. Box 40/27
• Devil-worshiper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering dogs in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon. Box 52/07
• Attractive brunette, Maryhill area, winner of Miss Wrangler competition at Framptons Nightclub, Maryhill, in September 1978, seeks nostalgic man who's not afraid to cry, for long nights spent comfort-drinking and listening to old Abba records. Please, Please! Box 30/41
• Govan man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm
• Cullen man, mid twenties, seeks nubile young lady for cooking, cleaning and fornication contract. Must be prepared to live-in and have a a strong knowledge of local dialect. Oh and big baps ana.

Buses

This bloke is working on the buses and collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed.
At the trial the bloke is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric Chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish."Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?" The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it. "Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner," that's never happened before."
The man leaves and eventually gets his job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair upto the electric supply for the whole of Texas. The bloke is again sat inthe chair."What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana.The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.
Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all the worlds electricity to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling. "What's your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a zillion million trillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark. "I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that?"
He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it" he asked
"Nahh" said the bloke,-- "I'm just a really bad conductor"

The Headache

Joe went to the doctor with his headaches that he had had for years.
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit.
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 Long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the Mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years".
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
- New suit - £200
- New shirt - £16
- New underwear - £5
- Second Opinion - PRICELESS

Down & Out

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No,I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go bowling instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time bowling," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, bowls, golf, and sex."

Paying the Rent...

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon with her for £300. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for £150 and enclose the following typed note:
"Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a cheque for £150 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for £150 with the following note:
"Dear Sir:
First, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.
Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady."

One Wish

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.
"The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want. "
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and thinkof something that would honor and glorify me."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy. In short I want to understand women."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

This is what marriage is about

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you,we are used to sharing everything."
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered: "THE TEETH."

Baseball

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unknown to her, her 9 year old son is hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here.."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
A few weeks later it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "$1,000." The father says "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sits in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that again."

Did You Know.....?

• "Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.
• It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
• Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
• No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
• "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
• Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
• The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.
• The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
• There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous
• There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
• TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
• All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
• A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
• A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
• A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
• A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
• A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
• A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
• A snail can sleep for three years.
• Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
• Almonds are a member of the peach family.
• An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
• Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
• Butterflies taste with their feet.
• Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
• February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
• In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
• If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
• If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
• Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
• On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
• Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!
• Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
• The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
• The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
• The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
• The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
• There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
• There are more chickens than people in the world.
• There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.
• Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
• Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
• Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
• Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.

Spot the Difference!

What is the difference between girls aged:
8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68?
At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!

Mother-in-Law

A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on holiday to Jerusalem. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for £5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for £150.
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend £5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only £150.
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Guessing

A guy sitting at a bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him. Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?"
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself: "Dash, she doesn't work for Delta."
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?"
She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.
Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk."
This time the woman turned on him "What the F*** do you want?"
The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said "Ahhhhh, EasyJet!"

Sentimental

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the dining room table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 15?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your mother caught us behind the couch making love?"
"Yes, I remember." says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.”
The husband continues..."Do you remember when she shoved a shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"
"I remember that, too." she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today."

Toes

Despite the medical profession's passion for nomenclature, which has led to Latin names for nearly all body parts, toes remain anonymous. In medical circles the big toe is known as hallux, but the rest are just numbered. Now a Yale University doctor has suggested a new naming method. He suggests renaming the big toe porcellus fori. The other toes, in sequence, would then become porcellus domi, porcellus carnivorus, porcellus non vorratus and porcellus piorans domum.
Translated from the Latin, his new digital repertoire would be: piggie at market, piggie at home, piggie eating roast beef, piggie having none and piglet crying (weeweewee) all the way home.

International Rules of Blokedom

01: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at the footy, and your pies are getting wet, then for the eating period only it is permissible.
02: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances: a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.c. After wrecking your boss' car.d. one hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".e. When she is using her teeth.
03: Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.
04: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
05: If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
06: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
07: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.
08: on a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
09: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.
12: only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside or LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green, orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

Tight Skirt

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
She tried to take the step only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more, and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.......

Dear Tide Soap Co

I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.
Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out.
After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.
Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people . .

History Lesson

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the1500s:
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water.
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying . It's raining cats and dogs.
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor.
The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet , so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a ..thresh hold.
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving left overs in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon.
They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a ...dead ringer.
Now , whoever said History was boring ! ! !

Looking Forward to Old Age? - 4

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous . At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Ohmygosh! Am I driving?"

Looking Forward to Old Age? - 3

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time ..but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Looking Forward to Old Age? - 2

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. "Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"

Looking Forward to Old Age? - 1

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back seat by mistake."

How to Recruit the Right Person for the Job

Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window. Then send 2 or 3 candidates into the room and close the door. Leave them alone and come back after 3 hours and analyze the situation:

If they are counting the bricks; Put them in the Accounts Department.
If they are recounting them; Put them in Auditing.
If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks; Put them in Engineering. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order; Put them in Planning.
If they are throwing the bricks at each other; Put them in Operations.
If they are sleeping; Put them in Security.
If they have broken the bricks into pieces; Put them in IT.
If they are sitting idle; Put them in Human Resources.
If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved; Put them in Sales.
If they have already left for the day; Put them in Marketing.
If they are staring out of the window; Put them on Strategic Planning.
And then last but not least, If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved; Congratulate them and put them in Senior Management.

Quattro

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."
"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
"Quattro is just ze name of ze automobile" the Germans retort unbelievingly.
"Look at ze papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons."
"You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You have fivea people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law."
The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"
"Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

Philosophy

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear or are about to repeat a rumor.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely known and lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance that ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student, let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and "...
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
Deferring to the awesome wisdom of the sage, the man, defeated and ashamed, said nothing and walked away quietly.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.