The Urine Test

This was written by a rig worker in North Sea - he makes a lot of sense!

I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In order to earn that pay cheque, I work on a rig for a drilling contractor. I am required to pass a random urine test, with which I have no problem.
What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test. Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare cheque because I have to pass one to earn it for them?
Please understand that I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do on the other hand have a problem with helping someone sit on their ass drinking beer and smoking dope.
Could you imagine how much money the government would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a welfare cheque?

Immigration

As a recent immigrant from Pakistan I must say how easy it has been to settle in the UK.
I have only been here 3 months and already I can speak fluent Polish.

Economics

TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You retire on the income.
INDIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You worship them.
PAKISTAN ECONOMICS
You don't have any cows.
You claim that the Indian cows belong to you.
You ask the US for financial aid,
China for military aid,
British for Warplanes,
Italy for machines,
Germany for technology,
French for submarines,
Switzerland for loans,
Russia for drugs and
Japan for equipment.
You buy the cows with all this and then complain of exploitation by the world.
AMERICAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You profess surprise when the cow drops dead.
You put the blame on some nation with cows & naturally that nation will be a danger to mankind
You wage a war to save the world and grab the cows.
FRENCH ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three co
BRITISH ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
They are both mad cow
ITALIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
RUSSIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 17 cows.
You give up counting and open another bottle of vodka.
CHINESE ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest anyone reporting the actual numbers.
IRANIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You don't know economics.
You choose one of them as the leader of your country and the other one as the president

Kmart Husband

Be very careful around bored husbands, their creative juices start to overflow!!--
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to KMart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally, unfortunately, my wife is like most women ---she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from KMart.

Dear Mrs. Hill,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have Been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr.Hill are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people' s carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved the 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7.. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. September 4th: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants
were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna Look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: He hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed by, he yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
and last, but not least. . . .
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!!

Credit Crunch....

Quote of the day (from a trader): "This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife."

What's the difference between Investment Bankers and London Pigeons? The Pigeons are still capable of making deposits on new BMWs

Grandmas

4 old mischievous Grandma's were sitting at a table in a nursing home.

About then an old Grandpa walked in.

One of the old Grandma's yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'

The old man said, 'There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools.'

One of the old Grandma's said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants & under shorts & we can tell your exact age.'

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandma's asked him to first turn around a couple of times & to jump up & down several times. Then they all piped up & said, 'You're 87 years old!'

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess?'

Slapping their knees & grinning from ear to ear, all 4 old ladies happily yelled in unison--'We were at your birthday party yesterday!' 

There was a church.....

There was a church down in Texas that had a young, very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Her trim waist made the jiggle even that more apparent.  

Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably - especially the men. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.  

One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons though because they are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while.  

She agreed to try it.  

The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a Thermon tewday."

Forgivness

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your  enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:                    'I outlived the bastards.' 

The Elderly Golfer

Arthur is 90-years-old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day, he arrives home looking downcast.

'That's it,' he tells his wife. 'I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I hit the ball, I can't even see where it goes.'

His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says, 'Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try?'

'That's no good,' sighs Arthur. 'Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help.'

'He may be a hundred and three,' says his wife, 'but his eyesight is perfect.'

So, the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.

He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway He turns to the brother-in-law and asks, 'Did you see the ball?'

'Of course I did!' replied the brother-in-law. 'I have perfect eyesight!'

'Where did it go?' says Arthur.

'I don't remember.'

Whoops....

Nine comments they would like to take  back made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer  Olympics.

1. Weight-lifting commentator: 'This is Gregoriava from  Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was  amazing.'

2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a  lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her  mother.'

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my  parents, especially my mother and father.'

4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing,  but none of them really that serious.'

5. Softball  announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same  thing again.'

6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't likeit. In fact you can see it all over their  faces.'

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice,  the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British  crew.'

8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is  everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the  field.'

9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons  Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his  balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just  said?

London Olympics 2012

London (Stratford) will be hosting the Olympic Games in 2012.

You may not know is that many of the famous events, which go to make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2012. A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below:

OPENING CEREMONY

The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the area in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS

In previous Olympic Games, East London's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT

Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES

As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc)

HAMMER

Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.

FENCING 

Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes.

SHOOTING 

A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages deliveryman. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.

BOXING 

Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS 

Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT 

As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON 

Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.

SWIMMING EVENTS 

All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised, please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by 'The Verve.'

THE MARATHON 

A safe route has yet to be decided.

MEN'S 50KM WALK 

Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London, especially anyone that appears to be... mincing

THE CLOSING CEREMONY 

Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir. The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following the inevitable pitch invasion by confused West Ham organised hooliganism club. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler

Bad Day

Ever wonder what happens when Hallmark Card writers are having a bad day? 

 

My tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!   

 

 Heard your wife left you,

How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.   

 

Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

'What the hell was I thinking?'   

 

Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.   

How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby? 

I've always wanted to have

someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.  

 

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you. 

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.    

 

Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike! 

When we were together,

you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

We have been friends for a very long time ..

let's say we stop?

I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy

Did you ever find out who the father was? 

 

Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

So your daughter's a hooker,

and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay

Airlines

A man is sitting in the bar in departure lounge at Gatwick airport.A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides that because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the 

airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto  'We love to 

fly and it shows'. The woman looks at him blankly.

He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning the 

hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines 

motto 'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the f ** k do you want?'

'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face. 'Ryanair'

The Harley Rider

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky parted above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking;  the supports reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!  It will nearly exhaust several natural resources.  I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women;  we want to know how they feel
inside, what they're thinking when they give us the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say nothing's wrong, and how we can make women truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

There was a Church.....

There was a church down in Texas that had a young, very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Her trim waist made the jiggle even that more apparent.  
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably - especially the men. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.  
One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some gree persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons though because they are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while.  
She agreed to try it.  
The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a Thermon tewday."  

Wailing Wall

In Jerusalem, a female BBC journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, and everyday for along, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane in a very slow fashion, she approached him for an interview.
 "I'm Rebecca Smith from the BBC.  Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?"
 "For about 60 years."
 "60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?"
 "I pray for peace between the Muslims and the Jews. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."
 "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
 "Like I'm talking to a brick wall." 

Code

The husband was working in the garden at the weekend and his wife was about to take a shower. He realised that he couldn't find the rake.. he yelled up to his wife,

"Where is the rake?"

She couldn't hear him and she shouted back, "What?"

He pointed to his eye, and then he pointed to his knee and made a raking motion.

His wife wasn't sure and said "What?"

He repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake"

His wife replied that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her backside, and finally to her crotch.

Well, there is no way in hell her husband could even come close to that one.

Exasperated, he went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?"

She replies,"Eye - Left tit - Behind - The Bush" !!!!

Middle England

Gordon Brown called Alastair Darling into his office last week & said,'Alastair , I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win back Middle England '.

'Good idea PM, how will we go about it?' said Darling.

‘Well' said Brown 'we'll get ourselves two of those long Barbour coats, some proper wellies, a stick & a flat cap, oh & a Labrador. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub, in Much Something or other, & we'll show them we really enjoy the countryside, .... oh & remember not to mention the hunting with dogs Act' 'Right PM' said Darling.

So this week, all kitted out & with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from London . Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for & found a lovely country pub &, with the dog, went in & up to the bar.

'Good evening Landlord, two pints of you best ale, from the wood please'said Brown.

'Good evening Prime Minister' said the landlord, 'two pints of best it is, coming up'

Brown & Darling stood leaning on the bar contemplating new taxes, nodding now & again to those who came in for a drink, whilst the dog lay quietly at their feet. As they drank their beer they chatted about how heart-rending it was that pensioners were being imprisoned for not paying the council tax, and how good it was that they weren't affected by the high cost of motor fuel.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened & in came a grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the Labrador , lifted its tail & looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders & walked back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in came a wizened farmer who followed the same procedure.

To the bewilderment of Brown & Darling people of all ages & gender followed suit over the next hour.

Eventually, unable to stand it any longer, Darling called the landlord over. 'Tell me' said Darling, 'Why did all those people come in & look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old English custom?

'Good Lord no,' said the landlord. 'It's just that someone has told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two arseholes'