Be Strong Honey

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sēx, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

First things First

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. 

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let"s row over to my place," she says. So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.  As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It"s not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No!  No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed.  "I can"t take another drop of coconut juice."

"It"s not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still.  How would you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I"m going to slip into something more comfortable.  Would you like to take a shower and shave?  There"s a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom.  There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone.  Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses.  "What"s next?"  When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias.  She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We"ve both been out here for many months.  You must have been lonely. There"s something I"m certain you feel like doing right now, something you"ve been longing for, right?" She stares into his eyes.

He can"t believe what he"s hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, "You"ve built a Golf Course?"

It Shouldn't Happen to a Vet

An elderly spinster who was a dog lover, agreed to look after and house her neighbors dog whilst the neighbors went on their holidays.  
The only problem was that the spinsters own dog was a bitch that was on 'heat' and the neighbors dog was a male. 
Nevertheless she had a large house and she was able to keep the two dogs apart. 
As she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep the spinster was suddenly awakened by an awful howling and moaning sounds from downstairs. 
She rushed downstairs to find the dogs locked together, as dogs do when mating. 
The dogs were in obvious pain howling but unable to disengage. 
Try as she might she could not part them and she was perplexed as what to do next. 
Though it was late, she reluctantly phoned the vet, and after a few rings a rather grumpy voice answered the phone. 
The spinster explained the problem, and the vet said.:"I want you to take the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them. 
I will then phone your number back and the noise of the telephone ringing should make the male dog lose his erection and be able 
to withdraw from the bitch"
"Oh" Said the spinster. "Do you think that will work?" 
"Well" The vet replied  "IT JUST WORKED ON ME". 

One Tequila, two tequila, three tequila

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.  He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.  He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?" 
"Well...., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus." 
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?" 
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar... 
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do: 
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it." 
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth.  You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands." 
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex.  You have to take care of that problem." 
The man is stunned!  "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot!  I won't do it!  You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!" 
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.  Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.  Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!  Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar.  His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.   He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"  

Why English is so Difficult to Learn

Trials and Tribulations With The English Language

You think English is easy???

Read to the end . . . a new twist  

1) The bandage was  wound around the wound. 

2) The farm was used to  produce produce .

3) The dump was so full that it had to  refuse more refuse.

4) We must  polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could  lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to  desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the  present, he thought it was time to present the present .

8) A  bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the  dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not  object to the object. 

11) The insurance was  invalid for the invalid. 

12) There was a  row among the oarsmen about how to row .

13) They were too  close to the door to close it.

14) The buck  does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a  sewer fell down into a sewer line...

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his  sow to sow.

17) The  wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the  tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to  subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I  intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it, an odd or and end?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is  'UP.' 

It's easy to under stan d  UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? 
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ?
Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ? 
We call UP our friends.
And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.   
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. 
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. 

We seem to be pretty mixed  UP about UP !
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.
In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.
It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP .
When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP...
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it  UP, for now my time is UP, so........it is time to shut UP!

Catholic Parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest asked.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed.
Then he thought for a moment...'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem.  I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and  Peter. 'My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and  worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.' 

'Thank you,' the woman responded,  'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.  Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says, 'Put the beads away, Frank, Our prayers have been answered!'