Teenager

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. 

His father said he'd make a deal:

'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut.. Then we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 

'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut. 

The boy said,

'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair... and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

---- his father replied,

Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'

Will This Happen to Us? - 4

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. 
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. 
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'
'Mildred turned to her and said,
Oh, crap, am I driving ?'

Will This Happen to Us? - 3

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex.' She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex.' He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'

Will This happen to Us? - 2

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?' 

'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.' 

And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'

Will this Happen to Us? - 1

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?' 
The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down? 
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'Ag

Cannibals

A large hospital recently hired several cannibals as it couldn't find enough British staff. "You are all part of our team now", said the HR Manager during the welcome briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the canteen on the ground floor for something to eat, but please don't eat any of our other employees".
The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "you're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work, however, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads "no".
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"
A hand rose hesitantly.
"You fool" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, but NOoooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something". 

Grandma Still Drives

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't  honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is  when I noticed the light had changed. So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma

Marriage made in Heaven

On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St.Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder:- 'Could they possibly get married in Heaven?'
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter was somewhat taken aback and said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out." and then walked back into heaven, closing the gates behind him.
The couple sat and waited, and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. And as they did, they wondered if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it didn't work out? Would they be stuck together forever?'
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled, harassed and worn out.
"Yes." he sighed. "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" exclaimed the couple, "But we were just wondering. What if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, exploded, and slammed his clipboard onto the ground so hard that it shattered into a thousand pieces. "What's wrong?" quaked the frightened couple.
"Good God!!! Screamed St. Peter. "It's taken me three sodding months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it would take to find a bloody solicitor?" 

A Wee Scottish Tal

A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn.
A Gamekeeper shouts,
'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's sheet an pish!'
The man replies,
'My Good fellow, I'm from England . Could you repeat that in English for me.'
The keeper replies,
'I said, use two hands - you spill less that way!!!

Differing Views.........

Two female co-workers are having a conversation at work.

Woman 1: Did you have good sex last night?
Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes, got on top of  me, finished having sex in 4 minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in 2 minutes. How about you?
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home. He took me out to a romantic dinner. After  dinner we took a walk for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay.
After foreplay we had an hour long session of fantastic sex and then we talked for an hour. It was  like in a fairytale! 
 
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.. 
 
Husband 1: Did you have good sex last night?
Husband 2: Yes, it was great! Came home, dinner was on the table, ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. What about you?
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner as the the electricity been cut cause I didn't pay the bill.  As a result I had to take my wife out to dinner.  The dinner was so expensive that we didn't have money for a cab. So we had to frigging well walk home for an hour and when we got home & cause there was no electricity, I had to light bloody candles all over the house!  
I was so angry & worked up that I couldn't  get it up  for an hour and then I couldn't  come  for another hour. After I finally did, I was so mad and aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!

Being British

Being British is about driving a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then on the way home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab, to sit on a Swedish sofa and watch American shows on a Japanese TV and still be suspicious of anything foreign.
Only in Britain can you get a pizza to your home faster than an ambulance. Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain pens to the counter. Supermarkets make sick people walk to the back of the shop for prescriptions whilst healthy people get there fags at the front. We might be British, but hey we're funny!