Irish Lover

Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini-van when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!" Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy. About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.  The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"  Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy [let alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her] eventually admits that, yes, she did. Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen"...

Sunbathing

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.  For the sake of civility, and to keep it from gettin sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts. 

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you ' d lift your hat."  

He raised an eyebrow and replied,  "If you weren’t ' so ugly it would lift itself