Some Facts

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. 
A human hair can hold 3kg. 
The length of a penis is 3x the length of the thumb. 
The femur is as hard as concrete. 
A woman's heartbeat is faster then a mans. 
Women blink 2x as much as men. 
We use 300 muscles to keep our balance when we stand. 
The women have read this entire text. 
The men are still looking at their thumb!

The Future

A group of 40 year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitresses there had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.

10 years later, at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and they even had an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

Rabbit

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'
The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie.  He then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down
The next night there is standing room only in the pub.
The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.
The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties...'
The rabbit looks aghast.
The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'
The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'
'Ok', says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.
He then waves to the crowd and leaves....
NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
-----
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.
When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.
The barman says, 'Who  are you?', To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'
The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous. You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.  Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'
The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'
The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties.  You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'
The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.
The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'
'I DIED', said the rabbit.
'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'
After a short pause, the rabbit said... *'Mixin-me-toasties.’*

My New Golf Book

You may not know it, but I have been very busy over the last couple of year’s putting my thoughts and ideas together into a book. I am very proud of the results and, in order to market the publication, I am asking friends and family to assist.
The book is on golf... I believe it gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I have gained through my years of experience.
The book is only £49.95 and can be ordered by simply replying to this email with the appropriate credit card info.

Highlights include:

   Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt
   Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Maxfli from the Rough When You Just Hit a Titleist from the Tee
   Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker
   Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance off the Shank
   Chapter 5 - When to Give the  Marshall the Finger
   Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings
   Chapter 7 - When to Implement Handicap Management
   Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m.
   Chapter 9 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water
   Chapter 10- How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three off the Tee
   Chapter 11- When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent
   Chapter 12- When to Re-grip Your Ball Retriever

The book also includes the latest GOLF TERMS
  A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole
  A Diegio Maradonna - a very nasty 5 footer
  A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read
  A Rio Ferdinand - Lipped out
  A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't
  A Cuban - needs one more revolution
  An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker
  A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand
  A Kate Winslett - a bit fat but otherwise perfect
  A Kate Moss - bit thin
  A Gerry Adams - playing a Provisional
  A Rodney King - over-clubbed
  An O. J. Simpson - got away with it
  A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver
  A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver
  A Ladyboy - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems
  An elephant's arse - high and shitty
  A condom - safe but didn't feel real good
  A circus tent - a BIG top
  An Anna Kournikova - looks great, but unlikely to get a result
  A Vinnie Jones - nasty kick when you're not expecting it
  A Ryanair - flies well but lands a long way from the target 

So What did You Think....?

He laid her on the table, so white & clean & bare. His forehead wet with beads of sweat, he rubbed her here & there. He touched her neck & felt her breast, then droolin felt her thigh. The slit was wet & all was set, he gave a joyous cry. The hole was wide... He looked inside, all was dark & murky. He rubbed his hands & stretched his arms... Then STUFFED the Christmas TURKEY! 

Spaghetti

For several years, an englishman was having an affair with an Italian woman. 
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey', she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife agreed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.

Cricket - An Explanation

It’s the cricket season…In order to assist people who not familiar with the game of Cricket, we offer this explanation . . . . .
Cricket is a game in which there are 2 sides - one out on the field, and the other in.
Each man in the side that is in goes out, and when he is out he comes in, then the next man goes out until he's out and then he comes in.
When the side that is in is all out, the side that has been out goes in, and the side that was in goes out and tries to get out the side that went in.
Sometimes there are men still in and not out when the side that is in is finally out.
When both sides have been in and out, including those not out and no longer in - that is the end of the game.

Announcement

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."  The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.  Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance."  The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards."  They don't have any other levels.  This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide."  The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender."  The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing."  Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." 

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs."  They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.  These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate."  Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!"  "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled."   So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Fortune Teller

During a shopping outing in Ireland with her sisters, Agnes O'Brien sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute.
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news.
"There's  no easy way to say this, so I'll just be  blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year".
Visibly  shaken, Agnes stared at the woman's lined  face,  then at  the crystal, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She  simply had to know.
She met  the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked her question.
"Will I  be acquitted?" 

Banking Crises - Word of Warning!

If the global crisis continues at the present rate, by the end of this year only two banks will be left operational .... the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank! And before you know it, these two will merge, and the whole place will be full of bloody w**kers. 

Good Old Welsh

An American photographer on vacation was inside a church in London taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '£10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Lincoln. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in London and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then travelled to York , Rotherham , Sheffield   Dewsbury, and Pickering. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '£10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Yorkshire decided to travel down to Wales to see if the Welsh had the same phone.

He arrived in Cardiff , and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 pence per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over England and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in England the price was £10,000 per call. Why is it only 50pence here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Wales now, son ... it's a local call.'

EU Irish Bailout

It is a slow day in a damp little Irish town. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the town, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the pub.

The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.

The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the same note.

The hotel proprietor then places the note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.  

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a bailout package works.

Handy Woman

A beautiful blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman', and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs that she could do..

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about £50 ?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house ?'

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it ?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes", the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50, and handed it to her along with a £10 tip.

"And by the way" the blonde added, "It's not a Porch, it's a Lexus!