Mexican Maid

The Mexican maid asks for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wan an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Jor husban' say so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Jor husban' did.'

Wife: 'Oh..'

Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed.'

Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

Beer and Ice Cream Diet

As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.

For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg. F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized. Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories.

Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat,the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal. This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.

Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.

Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.We could all be thin if we were to adhere religiously to a pizza, beer, and ice cream diet.
Happy eating!

English Humour

The train was quite crowded, so a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed,
middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using it.'
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
'Please, ma'am, may I sit down? I'm very tired.'
 She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!' An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road and now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch
out of the window.'

The Theory of Intelligence

Well you see it's like this . . . A  herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the  herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are  killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,  because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by  the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the  human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as  we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it  attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of  beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more  efficient machine. And that is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Banned

Yesterday I was at my local CO-OP buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's #### and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
I'm now banned from the Co-op.
Better watch what you ask retired people.
They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

Never Trust Older Men

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.   She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?' 
'About 32,' is the reply.
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.' Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.  After a couple of minutes of this, she says,
'Okay, okay ... how old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says,     'I was behind you at McDonalds' !! 

iStuff

Got my son an iPhone for his birthday the other week, and recently got my daughter an iPod for hers, and was dead chuffed when the family clubbed together and bought me an iPad for father’s day.

Got my girlfriend an iRon for her birthday. It was around then the fight started......

Search for Got my son an iPhone for his birthday the other week, and re ... Search for a map Translate

Source: Attribution goes here

About Bing Highlights

Bing Highlights

Version 1.0.0 (12)

Copyright © 2010 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved.

Support

Source: Attribution goes here

About Bing Highlights

Checking Up!

A mother is  driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play  date. 

' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are  you?'
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,'  the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'
'OK', the  little girl says,
'How much do  you weigh?'
'Now really,' the mother  says,
'those are  personal questions and are really none of your  business.'
Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and  Daddy get a divorce?'
'That's enough questions, young lady!  Honestly!'
The exasperated mother walks away as the two  friends begin to play.
' My Mom won't tell me anything about  her,' the little girl says to her friend.
'Well,' says the  friend, 'all you need  to do is look at her driver's  license. It's like a  report card, it has everything on it.'
Later that night the  little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old  you are. You are 32.'
The mother is surprised and  asks,
'How did you  find that out?
'I also know that you weigh 130  pounds.'
The mother is past surprised and shocked  now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that  out?'
'And,' the little girl says  triumphantly,
'I know why you  and daddy got a divorce..' 

'Oh  really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'
'Because  you got an "F" in sex.'

Little Old Lady

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a £20 bill falls out onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are £20 bills falling out of your bag."
"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? "You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot.

On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden.

So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers.

Each time some guy sticks his thingee through the fence, I say, '£20 or off it comes!'.
"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well, you know", "not everybody pays". 

How Government Works

Three  contractors are bidding to fix a broken wall at 10  Downing Street; one from London, another from Bristol and  the third,  Liverpool.
They  go with a government official to examine the wall.
The  London contractor takes out a tape measure and does some  measuring,  then works some figures with a pencil.  
'Well',  he says, 'I figure the job will run about £900:  £400 for  materials, £400 for my crew and £100 profit for  me.'
The  Bristol contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and  then says, 'I can do this job for £700:  £300 for  materials, £300 for my crew and £100 profit for  me.'
The  Liverpool contractor doesn't measure or figure but leans over  to the Government official and whispers, "£2,700."
The  official, incredulous, says, 'You didn't even measure like  the other guys! How did you come up with such a high  figure?'
The  Liverpool contractor whispers back, '£1000 for me, £1000 for  you, and we hire the guy from Bristol to fix the  wall.'
'Done!' replies the government official.

And  that friends, ...... is how it all  works

Swearing

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.   'You know what?' says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we started  swearing.'   

The 4 year old nods his head in approval, so the 7 year old says, 'When  we  go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after  me,  ok?'   'Ok' the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm..   

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants  for  breakfast.   'Oh, shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops'   WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.   She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, ' And what do  YOU want for breakfast, young man?' 

'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be f*****g Coco Pops'