Surgeons

#1 The first, an Ontario surgeon, says: " I like to see accountants on my
operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is
numbered. "

#2 The second, a Quebec surgeon, responds: " Yeah, but you should try
electricians. Everything inside of them is colour coded. "
#3 The third, a B.C. surgeon, says: " No, I really think librarians are the
best, everything inside of them is in alphabetical order. "

#4 The fourth, an Alberta surgeon, chimes in: " You know, I like
construction workers.... those guys always understand when you have a few
parts left over. "

#5 But, the fifth, a Newfoundland surgeon, shut them all up when he
observed: " You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, -- and the
head and the ass are interchangeable. "

The Ambidextrous Golfer

A  group of guys lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One got transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him.

A new woman joined their Club. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early -- at 6:30 a.m.

He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and, playing right-handed, beat all three of them with an eye-opening two-under-par round. She was fun and a pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed.

They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man harbored a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady again played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.  The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.

Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."

The guys thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up?"

She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

Happy Burns Night

David Cameron is visiting a Glasgow hospital.
He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness,
He greets one.
The patient replies:
Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm.

Cameron is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.
The next patient responds:
Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit.

Even more confused he just grins and moves onto the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:
Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle

Now seriously troubled, Cameron turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, 'Is this a psychiatric ward?'
No, replies the doctor, this is the serious Burns unit.

Floods in Australia

Just spoke to a friend in Aus about the floods in Queensland.

She said that since early this morning the floods have been waist deep, it’s belting down and the wind is increasing to near gale force.

Her husband has done nothing for hours but look through the kitchen window.... he just stares…..

She says that if it gets much worse she may have to let him in.

Driving Under Influence - Irish Style

From  Ireland where driving while under the influence is considered a sport,  comes this story. (Only  the Irish could think of this).
Recently  a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in Donegal Town After  last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After  what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different  vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there  for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was  a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of  times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the  vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still  for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he  pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having  waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test.
To his amazement, the breathalyser indicated no  evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the  officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station.  This breathalyser equipment must be broken.'
'I doubt it,' said  Paddy , truly proud of himself. 'Tonight I'm the designated  decoy!

Caught

A policeman in New South Wales pulled over a driver who had been weaving in and out of the traffic.

He approached the car window and said "Sir I need you to blow into this breathalyzer".

The man reaches into his pocket and produces a doctor's note.

On it was written:

"This man suffers from chronic asthma.

Do not make him perform any action that may leave him short of breath".

The policeman said "Okay then I need you to come and give a blood sample"

The man produced another letter.

This one said:

”This man is a hemophiliac.

Please do not cause him to bleed in any way".

So the officer said: "Right, I need a urine sample then".

The man produces a third letter from his pocket.

It read:

"This man plays cricket for Australia; please don't take the piss out of him"

Hillbillies

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
 Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich,  begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
'Kin ya swallar?' 
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. 
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'