It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50.
At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.
The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie.
She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a full breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five quid for?"
"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you."
"I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Oh, screw him. Give him a fiver."
She smiled shyly and said, "The breakfast was my idea".
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
Helpdesk Questions
Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
******
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ...
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... Sorry....
******
Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
******
Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates! ******
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it....
******
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................Thank you.
******
Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
******
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: Okay.
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes.
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!
******
Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, and the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
******
A customer couldn't get on the Internet.
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
******
Helpdesk: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
******
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has put a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!
******
Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
Female customer: A white one...
******
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ...
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... Sorry....
******
Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
******
Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates! ******
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it....
******
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................Thank you.
******
Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
******
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: Okay.
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes.
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!
******
Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, and the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
******
A customer couldn't get on the Internet.
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
******
Helpdesk: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
******
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has put a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!
******
Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
Quickies
A man goes to the doctor. He says "I'm not sure I should be bothering you. I feel really fantastic but everybody says I look dreadful."
The doctor says "I've never heard of anything like that before. Let's look it up." And he takes down an anatomy textbook from the shelf.
He flips through the pages muttering "....looks good, - feels good....no, you look terrible.......looks good, - feels bad...no, you're the opposite,.....Ah. Here we are................looks terrible, - feels wonderful....according to this, you're a vagina."
*****
What's the difference between pink and purple? Your grip.
The doctor says "I've never heard of anything like that before. Let's look it up." And he takes down an anatomy textbook from the shelf.
He flips through the pages muttering "....looks good, - feels good....no, you look terrible.......looks good, - feels bad...no, you're the opposite,.....Ah. Here we are................looks terrible, - feels wonderful....according to this, you're a vagina."
*****
What's the difference between pink and purple? Your grip.
Monday, March 28, 2005
Old Doctor, Young Doctor.....
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left the younger Doctor said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana and apple peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."
"Huh," the younger doctor said, "pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doc said," Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?
"Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left the younger Doctor said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana and apple peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."
"Huh," the younger doctor said, "pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doc said," Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?
"Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
Shopping
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
1) a half-gallon of 2% milk,
2) a carton of eggs,
3) a quart of orange juice,
4) a head of romaine lettuce,
5) a 2 lb. can of coffee,
6) and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her
marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said
"Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
1) a half-gallon of 2% milk,
2) a carton of eggs,
3) a quart of orange juice,
4) a head of romaine lettuce,
5) a 2 lb. can of coffee,
6) and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her
marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said
"Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
Builders
A man in his mid 40s goes to a building site and asks the foreman if he has any job openings."Actually, I am a man short," replies the foreman. "Do you have experience?"
"I've worked in construction all my life," the man says, "but I had an accident a few years ago and haven't worked since. To make a long story short, I was working with a large industrial saw when it slipped and,well, it castrated me."
"Ooh," the foreman says, wincing. "That's awful, but you have plenty of experience, so come down tomorrow morning at 10 and I'll get you started."
"Great," replies the man. "But don't I usually see you guys here at nine?"
"Yeah," the foreman says, "but for the first hour we just stand around scratching our balls."
"I've worked in construction all my life," the man says, "but I had an accident a few years ago and haven't worked since. To make a long story short, I was working with a large industrial saw when it slipped and,well, it castrated me."
"Ooh," the foreman says, wincing. "That's awful, but you have plenty of experience, so come down tomorrow morning at 10 and I'll get you started."
"Great," replies the man. "But don't I usually see you guys here at nine?"
"Yeah," the foreman says, "but for the first hour we just stand around scratching our balls."
Magazine
One day mom was cleaning her son's room and under the bed, she found abondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her.She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."
Saturday, March 19, 2005
Blind Man
An attractive young woman was taking a shower one day and the doorbell started ringing. She jumped out to get it, but couldn't find a towel to wrap herself in. As she headed for the bedroom to grab something, she yelled "Who's there?" The voice called out, "It's the blind man." The woman guessed he wanted to sell some kitchen appliances or something and stopped, realizing she didn't have to get any of her clothes wet, he couldn't see her anyway. When she opened the door a wide-eyed man in gray coveralls asked her "Uh, where do you want me to hang your blinds?"
Showering
How To Shower Like a Woman...........
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and dark's. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror make mental note do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with tile cleaner. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man ............
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake manhood at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your manhood and scratch your butt. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. Admire manhood size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake manhood at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. Throw wet towel on bed.
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and dark's. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror make mental note do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with tile cleaner. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man ............
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake manhood at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your manhood and scratch your butt. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. Admire manhood size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake manhood at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. Throw wet towel on bed.
Friday, March 18, 2005
More Court Proceedings
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
LAWYER: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
WITNESS: There were traces of semen.
LAWYER: Male semen?
WITNESS: That's the only kind I know of.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
LAWYER: It was covered?
WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.
LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?
WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God."
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: That's right.
CLERK: Repeat it.
WITNESS: "Repeat it".
CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.
WITNESS: What you said when?
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give."
CLERK: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.
CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and."
CLERK: Say: "Nothing...".
WITNESS: Okay. (Witness remains silent.)
CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Well? Do so.
WITNESS: You're confusing me.
CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".
CLERK: Yes.
WITNESS: Okay. I understand.
CLERK: Then say it.
WITNESS: What?
CLERK: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: But I do! That's just it.
CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But", "The", "Truth".
WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?
CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
CLERK: Thank you.
WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.
LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And did you observe anything?
WITNESS: I did. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
WITNESS: I saw George.
LAWYER: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
WITNESS: Yes. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so?
WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
LAWYER: His "thing"?
WITNESS: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis.
LAWYER: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Did you say anything to him?
WITNESS: Of course I did!
LAWYER: What did you say to him?
WITNESS: "Morning, George"
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
LAWYER: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
WITNESS: There were traces of semen.
LAWYER: Male semen?
WITNESS: That's the only kind I know of.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
LAWYER: It was covered?
WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.
LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?
WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God."
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: That's right.
CLERK: Repeat it.
WITNESS: "Repeat it".
CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.
WITNESS: What you said when?
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give."
CLERK: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.
CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and."
CLERK: Say: "Nothing...".
WITNESS: Okay. (Witness remains silent.)
CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Well? Do so.
WITNESS: You're confusing me.
CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".
CLERK: Yes.
WITNESS: Okay. I understand.
CLERK: Then say it.
WITNESS: What?
CLERK: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: But I do! That's just it.
CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But", "The", "Truth".
WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?
CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
CLERK: Thank you.
WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.
LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And did you observe anything?
WITNESS: I did. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
WITNESS: I saw George.
LAWYER: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
WITNESS: Yes. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so?
WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
LAWYER: His "thing"?
WITNESS: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis.
LAWYER: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Did you say anything to him?
WITNESS: Of course I did!
LAWYER: What did you say to him?
WITNESS: "Morning, George"
Maude & Mable
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mable: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mable: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mable: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mable: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
Warning
The Alaska Department of Fish and Game, recently issued this bulletin:
In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.
“We advise outdoorsmen to wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren’t expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear manure:
Black bear manure is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear manure has little bells in it and smells like pepper.”
In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.
“We advise outdoorsmen to wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren’t expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear manure:
Black bear manure is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear manure has little bells in it and smells like pepper.”
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
Sweets
A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie.
After a few beers the Smartie says, "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?
The Jelly Baby says, "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in."
So Smartie says, "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."
Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go.
After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in.
As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table.
The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking cola bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored and walk out.
Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood and turns to Smartie and says,
"I thought you were going to look after me."
"I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are f*****g menthol".
After a few beers the Smartie says, "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?
The Jelly Baby says, "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in."
So Smartie says, "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."
Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go.
After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in.
As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table.
The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking cola bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored and walk out.
Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood and turns to Smartie and says,
"I thought you were going to look after me."
"I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are f*****g menthol".
Milk
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed," she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight,you don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
"Breast fed," she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight,you don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Vacuum
There was a woman once that hoped she'd get a vacuum cleaner for her birthday. She couldn't sleep through thinking about it. Husband said "what's the problem?" She replied, "every time I lie on my left side I think I'm going to get a Hoover, and every time I lie on my right side I think I'm going to get an Electrolux". Husband replies, "well lie on your back, your going to get a Hotpoint!"
Monday, March 14, 2005
Court Proceedings!
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
*
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
*
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
*
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
*
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
*
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Doris?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
*
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
*
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
*
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
A: He's twenty
*
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
*
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
*
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
*
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
*
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
*
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
*
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
*
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
*
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
*
>Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
*
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
*
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
*
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
*
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
*
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
*
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Doris?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
*
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
*
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
*
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
A: He's twenty
*
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
*
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
*
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
*
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
*
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
*
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
*
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
*
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
*
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
*
>Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
*
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Semantics
A young boy went up to his father and asked, "What is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The father pondered for a while, then answered, "Go and ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds. Also, ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds. Come back and tell me what you have learned."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds?" The mother replied, "Of course I would. I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."
The boy then went to his sister and said, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds?" The girl replied, "Oh gosh!! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!!"
The boy then thought about it for two or three days and went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we're sitting on two million pounds, but realistically we're living with two slappers!"
The father replied, "That's my boy!"
The father pondered for a while, then answered, "Go and ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds. Also, ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds. Come back and tell me what you have learned."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds?" The mother replied, "Of course I would. I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."
The boy then went to his sister and said, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds?" The girl replied, "Oh gosh!! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!!"
The boy then thought about it for two or three days and went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we're sitting on two million pounds, but realistically we're living with two slappers!"
The father replied, "That's my boy!"
Saturday, March 12, 2005
Why You Shouldn't Argue With Kids
1. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
2. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
2. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
Friday, March 11, 2005
In Perspective
Customer: Worcester sauce please mate...
Shop Keeper: Sorry can't, it's off the shelves, cancer scare.
C: Oh right, uh Chinese Chicken Wings?
SK: Ah that's the same mate, cancer scare
C: Hamburger Relish?
SK: Cancer scare
C: Sausage and Mash?
SK: Cancer scare
C: Cottage Pie?
SK: Aye, ...no wait, cancer scare.
C: So they're all off the shelves because of a cancer scare?
SK: Yup.
C: Jaysus, that's mad, just give me a packet of fags then.
SK: No problem. £5.25 please.
Shop Keeper: Sorry can't, it's off the shelves, cancer scare.
C: Oh right, uh Chinese Chicken Wings?
SK: Ah that's the same mate, cancer scare
C: Hamburger Relish?
SK: Cancer scare
C: Sausage and Mash?
SK: Cancer scare
C: Cottage Pie?
SK: Aye, ...no wait, cancer scare.
C: So they're all off the shelves because of a cancer scare?
SK: Yup.
C: Jaysus, that's mad, just give me a packet of fags then.
SK: No problem. £5.25 please.
Thursday, March 10, 2005
Leave it to a Woman
Yep---leave it to a woman, to come up with the right solution.
When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.
But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.
Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he andhis wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?"responded the surprised doctor.
"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?”
When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.
But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.
Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he andhis wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?"responded the surprised doctor.
"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?”
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Computer Gender
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil" however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is a computer?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender (la computer) because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (el computer) because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil" however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is a computer?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender (la computer) because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (el computer) because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Quickies
1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
5. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
6. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
7. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
8. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
9. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Doc says, "It's Not Unusual."
10. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true," exclaimed Daisy, " no bull!"
11. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."
13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
14. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
15. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
18. How come that blind guy's right leg is yellow? His dog is blind too!19. Grasshopper goes into a bar. The bartender say "Hey, we've got a drink named after you!" Grasshopper says " that's stupid. Who'd want a drink named Larry?"
2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
5. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
6. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
7. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
8. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
9. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Doc says, "It's Not Unusual."
10. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true," exclaimed Daisy, " no bull!"
11. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."
13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
14. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
15. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
18. How come that blind guy's right leg is yellow? His dog is blind too!19. Grasshopper goes into a bar. The bartender say "Hey, we've got a drink named after you!" Grasshopper says " that's stupid. Who'd want a drink named Larry?"
Sunday, March 06, 2005
A Toast for John
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised me self. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised me self. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
Retired
Upon reaching 65, old Tom decided to retire. After having him under foot for a few months, his wife became very agitated with him. She suggested he go and do something to occupy him like join a club or get a hobby.
Old Tom obliged and went out for a couple of hours. When he got home his wife asked about his day and he replied, "Oh, I just went down to the corner bar and hung out with the guys. Oh yeah, I joined a parachute club."
"What? Are you nuts? You're 65 years old and you're going to start parachuting?"
"Yeah, look I even got a membership card."
"You silly old man, you need glasses! This is a membership in a PROSTITUTE CLUB!"
"OH, GREAT! NOW WHAT AM I GONNA DO? I SIGNED UP FOR 5 JUMPS A WEEK!!"
Old Tom obliged and went out for a couple of hours. When he got home his wife asked about his day and he replied, "Oh, I just went down to the corner bar and hung out with the guys. Oh yeah, I joined a parachute club."
"What? Are you nuts? You're 65 years old and you're going to start parachuting?"
"Yeah, look I even got a membership card."
"You silly old man, you need glasses! This is a membership in a PROSTITUTE CLUB!"
"OH, GREAT! NOW WHAT AM I GONNA DO? I SIGNED UP FOR 5 JUMPS A WEEK!!"
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
Poker
Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.
Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m.Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m.sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m.and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied,"Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500." Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
Now THAT is a poker player !
Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m.Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m.sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m.and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied,"Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500." Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
Now THAT is a poker player !
Childrens TV
Extract from an old UK childrens TV programmme
http://rainbow.arch.scriptmania.com/rainbow_tv_episode.html
http://rainbow.arch.scriptmania.com/rainbow_tv_episode.html
Educators
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators!
There are teachers, and then there are educators!
Essex Girl
As a trucker in Essex stops for a red light, a blonde in her car pulls up along side. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Sharon, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window,and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin and I'm driving a bl**dy gritter!"
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
Cardiologist Funeral
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist." That's when the proctologist fainted.
[Explanation Note: Procto - relating to the rectum]
[Explanation Note: Procto - relating to the rectum]
Milking Machine
A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.
So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.
Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.
He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.
Finally, he decided to call the supplier's 'Customer Service Hot Line.'
"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"
"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once its collected two gallons, have a nice day....."
So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.
Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.
He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.
Finally, he decided to call the supplier's 'Customer Service Hot Line.'
"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"
"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once its collected two gallons, have a nice day....."
Going Private
An elderly couple go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finish, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them £50 and he says goodbye.
The next week, however, the couple return and ask the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, and then leave.
Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges £98. The Hilton charges £139. We do it here for £50, and I get £43 back from BUPA!"
The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finish, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them £50 and he says goodbye.
The next week, however, the couple return and ask the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, and then leave.
Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges £98. The Hilton charges £139. We do it here for £50, and I get £43 back from BUPA!"
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