Bra Sizes

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? It is about time you became informed!
{A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!

They forgot the German bra. Holtzemfromfloppen!

Religious Bras

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from" Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied: There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...
The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.

One from Down Under

Mick, the Aussie rancher, walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache"
His wife, who is lying in bed, says:
"I think you will find that is a sheep"
His reply:
"I think you will find that I wasn't talking to you"

Three Bears

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...
Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eatin my powidge?" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!?" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots?
It was Mummy Bear who got up first.
It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.
It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.
It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.
It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants.
It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.
It was Mummy Bear who put the bloody cats out, cleaned the litter boxes, gave the cats their food, and refilled their water. And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once ...
I HAVEN'T MADE THE SODDING PORRIDGE YET!!!"

Three in a Sauna

Three women, two younger and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped.The others looked at her questioningly. "That was my pager," she said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, "that was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."The older woman felt very low tech; not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.
The woman finally said, "well, will you look at that...I'm getting a fax!!

The Loving Husband....

A man had two great tickets for the Football Cup final. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No", he says, "the seat is empty".
"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA cup final, the biggest sporting event in the year, and not use it?" He says, "well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been together since we got married".
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?" The man shakes his head... "No. They're all at the funeral".

The Average Englishman

The average Englishman in the home he calls his castle slips into his raincoat, patented by Chemist Charles Macintosh from Glasgow, Scotland.
En-route to his office he strides along the English lane, surfaced by John Macadam of Ayr, Scotland.
He drives an English car fitted with tyres invented by J. Thompson, Stonehaven, Scotland.
At the office he receives the mail bearing adhesive stamps invented by John Chalmers, Bookseller and Printer of Dundee, Scotland.
During the day he uses the telephone invented by Alexander Graham Bell, born in Edinburgh, Scotland.
At home in the evening his daughter pedals her bicycle invented by Kirkpatrick Macmillan, Blacksmith of Thornhill, Dumfriesshire, Scotland.
He watches the news on television, an invention of John Logie Baird of Helensburgh, Scotland, and hears an item about the U.S. Navy founded by John Paul Jones of Kirkbean, Scotland.
Nowhere can an Englishman turn to escape the ingenuity of the Scots. He has by now been reminded too much of Scotland and in desperation he picks up the Bible, only to find that the first man mentioned in the good book is a Scot, King James VI, who authorized its translation.
He could take to drink but the Scots make the best in the world.
He could take a rifle and end it all, but the breech-loading rifle was invented by Captain Patrick Ferguson of Pitfours, Scotland.
If he escaped death, he could find himself on an operating table injected with penicillin, discovered by Sir Alexander Fleming of Darvel, Scotland, and given chloroform, an anesthetic discovered by Sir James Young Simpson, Obstetrician and Gynecologist of Bathgate, Scotland.
Out of the anesthetic he would find no comfort in learning that he was as safe as the Bank of England founded by William Paterson of Dumfries, Scotland.

Husband & Wife Stores

The Husband Store
A store that sells NEW HUSBANDS has just opened in New York City, where awoman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are SIX floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking."Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework. "Oh my God!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband store.
A New Wives Store opened across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The rest of the six floors have never been visited.

Confession

A guy was kneeling down in church, making his confession.
The priest said "Are you new around here? I don't recognise your voice"
He said "I'm with the circus that's just arrived in town. I'm an acrobat."
"Oh", said the priest "I love circuses, especially the acrobats. Trouble is, with my job I don't get a chance to go there. I don't suppose there's any chance of you giving me a sneak preview of your act is there?"
"No problem" said the guy. So they walked out into the main church and the guy started doing his cartwheels, backflips and summersaults, up and down the aisles, watched by the delighted priest.
Two old ladies were sitting in the back row. One turned to the other and said "If that's the penance he's handing out this week, I'm going home to put some knickers on."

Bad Irish Joke

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....
"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
"Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears.
"This is amazing!"exclaims the Doctor.
"What doyou want me to do?"
"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.... Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
"Ah much was in dare den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash.
"£1,990 exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit,''says the Irishman
"I knew I wasn't feeling two grand..."

The Bathtub

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug."
Do you want a room with or without a view?

Cider

A little girl came running into the house bawling her eyes out and cradling her hand: " Mummy, quick! Get me a glass of cider! " she wailed.
" Why do you want a glass of cider? " asked her mum.
" I cut my hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away!" Confused, but weary of the child's whining, the mother obliged and poured her a glass of cider. The little girl immediately dunked her hand in it.
“ Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn't work! " she whined.
" What are you talking about? " asked her increasingly perplexed parent,“ Whatever made you think that cider would ease your pain? "
" Well, I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider "

Scottish Lonely Hearts

Who says romance is dead?

Real ads from the lonely-hearts column.

• Grossly overweight Buckie turf-cutter, 42 years old and 23 stone, Gemini, seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be willing to travel. Box 09/08
• Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered. Box06/03
• Heavy drinker, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in pints, fags, Celtic football club and starting scraps on Sauchiehall Street at three in the morning. Box 73/82.
• Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by longtime fiancée seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. Box 53/41
• Ginger-haired Partick troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more. Box 84/87
• Artistic Edinburgh woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach, writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes, seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey. Strong stomach essential Box 12/32
• Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions. References required. No timewasters. Box 23/45
• Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old b*****d living in a damp cottage in the arse and of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big chest. Box 40/27
• Devil-worshiper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering dogs in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon. Box 52/07
• Attractive brunette, Maryhill area, winner of Miss Wrangler competition at Framptons Nightclub, Maryhill, in September 1978, seeks nostalgic man who's not afraid to cry, for long nights spent comfort-drinking and listening to old Abba records. Please, Please! Box 30/41
• Govan man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm
• Cullen man, mid twenties, seeks nubile young lady for cooking, cleaning and fornication contract. Must be prepared to live-in and have a a strong knowledge of local dialect. Oh and big baps ana.

Buses

This bloke is working on the buses and collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed.
At the trial the bloke is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric Chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish."Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?" The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it. "Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner," that's never happened before."
The man leaves and eventually gets his job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair upto the electric supply for the whole of Texas. The bloke is again sat inthe chair."What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana.The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.
Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all the worlds electricity to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling. "What's your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a zillion million trillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark. "I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that?"
He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it" he asked
"Nahh" said the bloke,-- "I'm just a really bad conductor"

The Headache

Joe went to the doctor with his headaches that he had had for years.
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit.
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 Long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the Mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years".
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
- New suit - £200
- New shirt - £16
- New underwear - £5
- Second Opinion - PRICELESS

Down & Out

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No,I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go bowling instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time bowling," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, bowls, golf, and sex."

Paying the Rent...

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon with her for £300. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for £150 and enclose the following typed note:
"Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a cheque for £150 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for £150 with the following note:
"Dear Sir:
First, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.
Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady."

One Wish

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.
"The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want. "
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and thinkof something that would honor and glorify me."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy. In short I want to understand women."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

This is what marriage is about

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you,we are used to sharing everything."
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered: "THE TEETH."

Baseball

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unknown to her, her 9 year old son is hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here.."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
A few weeks later it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "$1,000." The father says "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sits in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that again."

Did You Know.....?

• "Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.
• It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
• Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
• No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
• "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
• Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
• The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.
• The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
• There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous
• There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
• TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
• All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
• A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
• A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
• A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
• A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
• A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
• A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
• A snail can sleep for three years.
• Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
• Almonds are a member of the peach family.
• An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
• Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
• Butterflies taste with their feet.
• Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
• February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
• In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
• If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
• If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
• Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
• On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
• Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!
• Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
• The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
• The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
• The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
• The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
• There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
• There are more chickens than people in the world.
• There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.
• Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
• Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
• Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
• Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.

Spot the Difference!

What is the difference between girls aged:
8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68?
At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!

Mother-in-Law

A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on holiday to Jerusalem. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for £5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for £150.
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend £5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only £150.
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Guessing

A guy sitting at a bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him. Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?"
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself: "Dash, she doesn't work for Delta."
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?"
She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.
Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk."
This time the woman turned on him "What the F*** do you want?"
The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said "Ahhhhh, EasyJet!"

Sentimental

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the dining room table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 15?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your mother caught us behind the couch making love?"
"Yes, I remember." says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.”
The husband continues..."Do you remember when she shoved a shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"
"I remember that, too." she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today."

Toes

Despite the medical profession's passion for nomenclature, which has led to Latin names for nearly all body parts, toes remain anonymous. In medical circles the big toe is known as hallux, but the rest are just numbered. Now a Yale University doctor has suggested a new naming method. He suggests renaming the big toe porcellus fori. The other toes, in sequence, would then become porcellus domi, porcellus carnivorus, porcellus non vorratus and porcellus piorans domum.
Translated from the Latin, his new digital repertoire would be: piggie at market, piggie at home, piggie eating roast beef, piggie having none and piglet crying (weeweewee) all the way home.