In Celebration of Burns Night!

TAE A FERT

Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie,
Lurks in yer belly efter the feastie.
Just as ye sit doon among yer kin,
There sterts to stir an enormous wind.

The neeps and tatties and mushy peas,
Stert workin like a gentle breeze.
But soon the puddin’ wi the sauncie face,
Will have ye blawin’ all ower the place.

Nae matter whit ye try tae dae,
A’bodys gonnae have tae pay.
Even if ye try to stifle,
It’s like a bullet oot a rifle.

Hawd yer bum tight tae the chair,
Tae try and stop the leakin’ air.
Shift yersel frae cheek tae cheek,
Pray tae God it doesny reek.

But aw yer efforts go assunder,
Oot it comes – a clap o’ thunder.
Ricochets aroon the room,
Michty me, a sonic boom!

God almighty it fairly reeks,
Hope I huvnae pooed ma breeks!
Tae the loo I better scurry,
Aw who cares, its no ma worry.

A’body roon aboot me chokin,
Wan or two are nearly bokin.
I’ll feel better for a while,
Cannae help but raise a smile.

“Wis him!” I shout with accusin’ glower,
Alas too late, he’s just keeled ower!
“Ye dirty thing!” they shout and stare,
I don’t feel welcome any mair.

Where ere ye go let yer wind gang free,
Sounds like just the job fur me.
Whit a fuss at Rabbie's perty,
Ower the sake o’ wan wee ferty!!!

Paddy's Fingers

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.
He went to the emergency room in Cork's hospital.
The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Let's be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.

Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got da fingers.'
'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers? Lord Tunderin' Jaysus, it's 2009! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.
I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'
And Paddy said, ' How da fock was I 'spose to pick dem up?'

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman

'Y'know' says the Scotsman, 'I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth drink for you.' 'Well,' replies the Englishman, 'at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.' 'Ahhhhh, that's nothing,' says the Irishman. 'Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, and another again... all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house.' The Scotsman and the Englishman dismiss the Irishman's claims. But he swears every word is true. 'Well,' asks the Englishman, 'did this actually happen to you?' 'Not me meself, personally, no,' says the Irishman, 'But it DID happen to me sister.'

Blond on Bus

You are blonde and on a bus, when you suddenly fart.
Luckily the music is very loud.
So every time you fart, you time it with the music.
When you start making your way to the door as you exit the bus
Everybody is throwing dagger looks at you, and you suddenly realize............

You're listening to your IPOD!

Short Fairy Story

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' 

The  GIRL SAID 'NO!'

And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.      

THE END  

Five Minute Management Course

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, it is Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob, our next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears , he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep.. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you have to be sitting very , very high up.

Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut! 

Familiar?

"The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt.

People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance." 

- Cicero - 55 B.C. 

Ballerina

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed ' Give the ballerina a drink!'

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!'

The bartender approached the little drunk and said 'Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'

The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!'

Manure... An interesting fact

Manure:  In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertiliser's invention, so large shipments of manure were common. 
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. 
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! 
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening 
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term 'Ship High In Transit' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane. 
Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ', (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

Advert

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),a
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME &
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.
He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!
The old man smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"
She snorted. "You don't have any arms either!"
Again, the old man smiled,"Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in   bed???"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "Rang the   doorbell didn't I?"

Lawyer and an Irishman

A lawyer and an Irishman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that the Irish are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy...So the lawyer asks if th Irishman would like to play a fun game.
The Irishman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the Irishman attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Irishman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the Irishman's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Irishman and hands him $500. The Irishman pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Irishman up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'
The Irishman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.