Greenie revenge!

The chief woman 'Greenie Tree-Hugging Activist', who was responsible for getting horses banned from National parks and State forests, was climbing a tree to have a look out over the forest when a Tawny Frogmouth Owl attacked her for invading its nesting site. 

In a panic to escape, she slid down the tree, getting a great number of splinters lodged in her crotch area. In considerable pain she hurried to the nearest doctor, told him she was an environmentalist and how she got all the splinters. 

The doctor listened with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She waited for 3 hours before the doctor reappeared. Angry, the woman demanded, 'What took you so long?' 

 'Well...' replied the doctor, '...I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency; the Forestry Service; the National Parks and Wildlife Service; the Wilderness Society and the Department of conservation and Land Management before I could remove 'old growth timber' from a 'recreational area' . . . I'm sorry but they all turned me down.' 

Three Ladies in a Sauna

Three women, two younger, and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped.
The others looked at her questioningly. 'That was my pager,' she said. I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, 'that was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.'
The older woman felt very low -tech. Not to be out done, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.
She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.
The older woman finally said.........well, will you look at that....i'm getting a fax!!

In the Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent b*stard," She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

Letter to the Bank

Dear Sirs,

In view of what seems to be happening internationally with banks at the moment, I was wondering if you could advise me correctly.
If one of my cheques is returned marked "insufficient funds," how do I know whether that refers to me, or to you?

Respectfully,

9 Months Later!!!

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
 'I realize it's terrible weather out ther e and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
 'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It too k him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
 'Yes, I do.' Said Bob .
 'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
 'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
 Bob's face turned beet red and he said,
'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
 'She just died and left me everything.'

Different Ways of Looking at Things

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.
Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?
'Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
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A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?' The father replied. 'Well son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine.'

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'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
--------------------------------

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids'.
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you'.
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute..'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
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Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell.'
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A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,' he answered..
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'OOPS'
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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.

The difference between Grandfathers and Grandmothers.

A man, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends.

Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time. Just he and his granddaughter. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all.

Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather. 'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?' '

'Oh yes, Grampa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single stupid bastard, complete wanker or bloody idiot anywhere we went today!' 

Like Mother

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do..

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him...
Like his Mother used to do..

The Elderly

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively. 'I would like it infrequently', she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered,

'Is that one word or two?' 

Goin' Fishin'

A young man walking along a pier sees an old man with his shoes off, trousers rolled up, legs dangling in the water and fishing with an imaginary rod. Puzzled, the young man asks “What are you up to?”
The old man replies “Fishing for fannies.”
Laughing to himself, the young man decides to humour him. “Fishing for fannies eh? Sounds good. Can I have a go?”
“Of course,” said the old guy. “Have a seat.”
So the young man sits down, casts an imaginary rod and says “So how many fannies have you caught so far?”
The old guy looks at him and says “You’re the third this morning.”

Problem

A farmer in Devon has successfully grown a field of vibrators….unfortunately he now has a problem with squatters.

Mujibar

Mujibar was trying to get into the UK  legally through Immigration.
The Immigration Officer said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests except one. Unless you pass it you cannot enter the UK .'
Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'
The officer said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green.'
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister Officer, I am ready.'
The Officer said, 'Good, go ahead.'
Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes, ' green, green, green, green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow , this is Mujibar.''
Mujibar now works at BT. You've probably spoken to him.

Little Johnny Strikes Again

A primary school teacher asks her pupils to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. 
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep it was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinating'.'
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see the Tower of London and I was fascinated.'
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinated'
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her ti*s are so big she can only fasten eight.' The teacher sat down and cried.

Ole, Lena, & Sven

Lena was in bed with her lover, Sven, when she heard Ole's key in the door.
"Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."
Sure enough, Ole lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. 
He turned to Lena and said, "Hey, der are six feet in dis bed! Der shud only be  four. What's going on?!?"
 "Nonsense," said Lena, "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."
Ole climbed out of bed and counted. "One, too, tree, four. Damn, you're  right!"

The Scotsman and the Frenchman

One morning a Scotsman is having breakfast in Paris, (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and marmalade) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Scotsman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.  
Frenchman: 'You Scots folk eat the whole bread?'
Scotsman (in a bad mood): 'Of course.'
Frenchman (after blowing a huge bubble): 'We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Scotland.'  
The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The Scotsman listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: 'Do you eat marmalade with your bread?'
Scotsman: 'Of course.'
Frenchman (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling): 'We don't.  In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into marmalade, and sell the marmalade to Scotland.'
After a moment of silence, the Scotsman asks: 'Do you have sex in France?'
Frenchman: 'Why of course we do', he says with a big smirk.
Scotsman: 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'
Frenchman: 'We throw them away, of course.'
Scotsman: 'We don't. In Scotland, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France.'

Talking Rabbit

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman 'Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie ?'. The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman'. The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, 'A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman', smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses.
The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties'.
The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie'.
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it ?'
The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it'.
'Ok' says the rabbit,' I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie'.
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves ....
..... NEVER TO RETURN !!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, 'Who are you ?'
To which he is answered, 'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house'.
The barman says, 'I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous.'
The rabbit says, 'Yes I know'.
The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'
The rabbit said 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it'.
The barman said 'You never came back, what happened ?'
'I DIED', said the Rabbit.
'NO!' said the barman, 'what from ?'
After a short pause. The rabbit said...
'Mixin'-me-toasties'