A gas station in Arkansas was trying to increase its sales so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."
Soon a local "redneck" pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him pick a number from (1) to (10), if he guessed correctly, he would get his Free sex.
The buyer then guessed (8), the proprietor said, "You were close The number was (7). Sorry, no sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up, again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed (2) this time, again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Bubba replied, "No it ain't rigged Billy Ray -- my wife won twice last week
Monday, September 04, 2006
US Convention
A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! She took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he Blurted,out, "Business trip or Holiday?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States".
He swallowed hard... here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and quiet..... "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States".
He swallowed hard... here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and quiet..... "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
Sunday, September 03, 2006
Honesty
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
Friday, September 01, 2006
Chinese Proverbs
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget
Three Nuns
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini".
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks.
"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says:
"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months. "
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini".
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks.
"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says:
"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months. "
Loose Nuts
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Walmart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned a while later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned a while later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead
Claude the Hypnotist
It was entertainment night at the senior centre and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced,
"Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put
into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Shit!" said the Hypnotist...
It took three days to clean up the senior centre.
"Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put
into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Shit!" said the Hypnotist...
It took three days to clean up the senior centre.
Childrens Hour
A teddy bear got a job on a building site. Two days into the job, he went to see the foreman.
He said "Remember those tools we got issued on Monday. Well somebody's stolen my pick."
"Naturally" said the foreman. "It's Wednesday today isn't it?"
"What that got to do with it?" asked the teddy.
"Don't you know?" said the foreman. "Today's the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked."
He said "Remember those tools we got issued on Monday. Well somebody's stolen my pick."
"Naturally" said the foreman. "It's Wednesday today isn't it?"
"What that got to do with it?" asked the teddy.
"Don't you know?" said the foreman. "Today's the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked."
Willie
An Irishman walks out of a pub, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches. "Can I help you lad?", asks the cop.
"Yesss, Sssshombody stol me car!", the Irishman replies.
The cop asks, "Well now, where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It was at the end of this key", he replies.
About this time the cop looks down to see that the Irishman's willie is being exhibited for all to see. He then asks, "Are you aware that you're exposing yourself?"
The Irishman looks down woefully and moans, "OHHH GOD... they got me girlfriend too!!"
"Yesss, Sssshombody stol me car!", the Irishman replies.
The cop asks, "Well now, where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It was at the end of this key", he replies.
About this time the cop looks down to see that the Irishman's willie is being exhibited for all to see. He then asks, "Are you aware that you're exposing yourself?"
The Irishman looks down woefully and moans, "OHHH GOD... they got me girlfriend too!!"
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