Code

The husband was working in the garden at the weekend and his wife was about to take a shower. He realised that he couldn't find the rake.. he yelled up to his wife,

"Where is the rake?"

She couldn't hear him and she shouted back, "What?"

He pointed to his eye, and then he pointed to his knee and made a raking motion.

His wife wasn't sure and said "What?"

He repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake"

His wife replied that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her backside, and finally to her crotch.

Well, there is no way in hell her husband could even come close to that one.

Exasperated, he went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?"

She replies,"Eye - Left tit - Behind - The Bush" !!!!

Middle England

Gordon Brown called Alastair Darling into his office last week & said,'Alastair , I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win back Middle England '.

'Good idea PM, how will we go about it?' said Darling.

‘Well' said Brown 'we'll get ourselves two of those long Barbour coats, some proper wellies, a stick & a flat cap, oh & a Labrador. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub, in Much Something or other, & we'll show them we really enjoy the countryside, .... oh & remember not to mention the hunting with dogs Act' 'Right PM' said Darling.

So this week, all kitted out & with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from London . Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for & found a lovely country pub &, with the dog, went in & up to the bar.

'Good evening Landlord, two pints of you best ale, from the wood please'said Brown.

'Good evening Prime Minister' said the landlord, 'two pints of best it is, coming up'

Brown & Darling stood leaning on the bar contemplating new taxes, nodding now & again to those who came in for a drink, whilst the dog lay quietly at their feet. As they drank their beer they chatted about how heart-rending it was that pensioners were being imprisoned for not paying the council tax, and how good it was that they weren't affected by the high cost of motor fuel.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened & in came a grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the Labrador , lifted its tail & looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders & walked back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in came a wizened farmer who followed the same procedure.

To the bewilderment of Brown & Darling people of all ages & gender followed suit over the next hour.

Eventually, unable to stand it any longer, Darling called the landlord over. 'Tell me' said Darling, 'Why did all those people come in & look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old English custom?

'Good Lord no,' said the landlord. 'It's just that someone has told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two arseholes'

New Government Logo

The Goverment today announced that it is changing its national symbol to a condom as it reflects more accurately the goverment's political stance.
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

Preach to a Bear

Three Chaplains - a Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience. Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs,went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly
DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

The Gift Certificate

For his 60th birthday the wife gave her husband a gift certificate.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his certificate to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to the husband, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."
The husband was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?”
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,” he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was eager to see if it worked, so he quickly went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition.

Eh?

A guy went to the doctor. He said “Doctor, I think I’m going deaf.”
The doctor said, "Describe the symptoms."
He replied, "Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair."