Scottish...ish

What do you call a dwarf that falls into a cement mixer? A wee hard man

What do you call a man who takes a small size in a shoe ? Wee Shooey.

What do you call a man who takes a small size in a shoe and can't find his dog ? Wee Shooey Douglas.

A guy walks into a GP's surgery. "Doctor , Doctor! He cries , "you've got to help me, I feel like I'm turning into coconut" Says the doctor, "You're bountae "

There were three coos in a field. Which wan wis oan its hoalidays ? The wan wi a wee calf.

What do you call an illegitimate insect ? A fly bastart.

What famous costume drama TV series of the 1970's was named after a queue for the toilet ? The Aw Needin Line.

Hear about the stupit skindiver? He didny have a scuba.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a social worker ? Ye can get yer bairn back aff a Rottweiler

What do you call a Glasgow Sikh who enjoys karaoke ? Gupty Singh

Two Glesga boys, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding. "Ach, it's all going magic," says Jock. "I've got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night... Archie nods approvingly. "Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock. "A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's grand, you'll look pure smart in that! "And what's the tartan?" Archie then enquires. "Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white..."

A wee Glesga woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed. "Breast fed," she replied. Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight. You don't have any milk !" I know," she said, "ah'm only his Granny, but noo I'm glad I came son!"

One day a Primary 1 teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said ' F****** hell! A talking pig! '

A wee woman from Glasgow's west-end was staying in a hotel in Edinburgh, she phoned room service for some pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge. "Toilet pepper!" yelled the woman

This bloke is sitting reading his Daily Record newspaper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan. Whit wis that fur?" he cries "That wis for the piece of paper in yir trooser pockets with the name Mary-Rose written oan it," said she. Don't be daft," he explains, "two weeks ago when I went to the races Mary-Rose wis the name of one o' the horses I bet on." She seems satisfied and apologises, and goes off to do work around the house. Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him again with the frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes around,he says, "whit the hell wis that fur?" "Your horse phoned!" she said